dxd with this

I have been diagnosed with this by a clinical psychologist. I can also relate to some of what is posted here. My parents never showed love to each other, and very little to me. They were very rejecting of me. They were emotionally absent, barren and neglectful. I was made to feel that my love and care and desire to connect to others was a flaw. I was always ''very shy'' and anxious as child. I have found very little help, support, or information re this disorder. In addition to having been diagnosed with this, I now avoid the professionals since I have been burnt and harmed many times. And I have read many stories (and research) detailing others who have also been harmed. Only today I read a very scary post, about how someone has been severely mistreated by professionals. I avoid them. The last time I consulted a professional (a GP) was about 3 years ago. I do not live in the USA.

I assume it is also possible to have other diagnoses in addition to this, such as complex PTSD, bipolar etc. But I am not sure since I avoid the professionals and I do not trust their diagnoses. Even if I was diagnosed with other conditions I would almost certainly only be offered medication in this location. I have not found medication to be helpful due to very bad side effects. I know there are good and caring professionals in this location too but since I am undeserving I do not deserve help and am very untrusting so would likely waste their time even if I did consult them which I will not.

I have low self esteem and feel a lot of shame which originated in being shamed and rejected by family members (who were all high achievers and Narcissists) and also by professionals. Many people do not like me as I am so withdrawn, anxious, untrusting, guarded and ''excessively shy''. But I avoid almost everyone so they do not get a chance to reject and judge me. I do not feel comfortable making this long post. My internal dialogue tells me I am not worthy or worthwhile. A professional also told me I ''might have BPD'' but the main diagnosis was ''avoidant personality'' and depression. However since I did not trust the professionals and was nearly always guarded with them I am not sure how accurate their diagnoses were (and I have heard of professionals intentionally misdiagnosing in addition to this.) Maybe I did not try hard enough in therapy.

Can anyone who has also been diagnosed with this relate to any of what I have posted? When I feel ignored or judged I tend to panic and retreat further. I would not be surprised if this post is not acknowledged since it's so long and rambling and not many post here. I can relate to a former acquaintance who also used to post on pc and has this diagnosis. It affects my life so much and I hate the feeling of severe anxiety and shame. I don't think I have anything to be ashamed of since I am not a cruel person. I have also been attacked on another forum (not pc) by abusers and trolls. I have also been used (repeatedly) by Narcissists and then discarded. I can only guess they thought I was an easy target.

I'm sorry this post is so long.

I think it's nice as it is important to feel connected with like minded people
You go from not really knowing yourself to seeing yourself in others...
Keep in mind that there is only a couple of us and we don't always post so please don't feel discouraged if you don't get a instant reply.

lol, sorry about the short reply.

Thank you Snap66 for your response.

Are you stuck, wanting to return to therapy just needing a little push?