Pushing people away

I have long recognized my avoidant personalty disorder but it is coming to a place where I know it is bad for me. At the age of 49 I have managed to push large groups of people away and I no longer seem able to figure out how to get people close to me.

I have grown some terrible habits and I am not sure if they are changeable.

1. I have grown deeply paranoid about my life. Personally I like my life. I don't see it as sad or in need of fixing. But so many people around me do.. I am hesitant to share anything with them. My boss has his heart in the right place that he wants me to "have fun" on the weekends but what fun? With who? So I just ended up not telling anyone about my life or flat out lying to them. There are things that are important to me but not others. I am having a friend come pick me up for a medical procedure next week and when I asked my first thought was how much I would have to hide in my house and on my phone.

2. I don't want to be around people on facebook. I have reduced my facebook to about 20 friends ... a lot of people got very offended by my defending them. But see above I just didn't feel they were "true" friends so why give them the opportunity to "judge" -- well one of the people left is a relative. I just can't stand her. I suppose I might be able to stand her if I didn't feel like she was a narc for the extended family. And she is... I realize my entire relationship with my family is based on my fear that they will know me and judge me.

3. At work I have some "built in friends" who only work with me for a short time period. Based on past behaviors (them using me) I decided not to be friendly with them... but that has kind of backfired. I feel like I am leaving a grand source of friendship on the floor.

4. I desperately need to make friends but I have no idea where or how. My only thought at this point is via volunteering but I wonder if that just won't not be a place to make friends.

5. Some of my potential friends don't like each other and this makes it hard to have these friends... so I feel I have to push one ore more of them away.

6. I never have people over to my house and people have noticed and wrongly assumed I have no friends. I feel like I have to do something to change that.. but what?

1. It’s ok to like the way your life is, even if others disagree! Other people think I also have “no life”, but I’m happy enough and it’s of no consequence to others as long as you’re not actively trying to harm anyone.
2. I think some people invest too much in Facebook, in general, but on the other hand you don’t always know how other people feel about you? Maybe they thought they were your real friends, even if you didn’t see them the same way. Maybe it’s just because they felt rejected/offended by being unfriended. You can’t always help how you feel about others though, and it’s still up to you who you keep on your friends list.
3. If they’re using you, they’re probably not ever going to be proper friends, but if you want to try again you can try setting boundaries - and stick to them. Chances are if you do, they’ll either come to respect you or not want much to do with you. You’ll only find out if you try.
4. Go for it, I say! You’ll be meeting people who you might share some values with, which is a good starting point.
6. Are you, and your friends, happy with you not having people over? If you and everyone you’re friends with are ok with this arrangement, why change it?

I was just thinking...
This particular forum used to be a lot more busy. Since I have posted sometimes here since it was ''opened'' and yes, (right or wrong) I have been given this dx, quite possibly it no longer applies. In which case it was probably wrong in the first place.

I hope that anyone who has stopped posting here for some unknown (to me) reason is safe and well.

I can relate to... some of my friends don't like each other. I don't necessarily find this to be much of an issue. Maybe they can still be friendly to you and like and respect you, hopefully this is the case. (If not... it seems rather too much like high school for my tastes )

As for anyone judging you as having ''no life'' - I'm guessing they probably are not very happy themselves (for example maybe they are very insecure) to make this sort of judgment.

Your boss sounds like he is a nice person, with his heart in the right place. I do not think you're obliged to share about your personal life at work. Maybe talk about a film you enjoyed, a meal you cooked, a hobby you enjoy (?)

I think that humans as a species are inherently flawed and judgmental. Obviously, it's also a survival instinct I have been ''defriended'' by a few people who did not like the fact I ... ?? I have no idea tbh. I think I have found a way to be less bothered by other peoples negative garbage than I used to be. (a couple of those had been ''good friends''... or so I thought )

I have not found ''neighbours'' in real life to be good friends for a long time. Our last place had very unfriendly neighbours. I guess they probably found me avoidant and ''unfriendly''... They were very judgmental.

We moved away and our new place is much better for bears