How to make a Martian Part two

Hey guys
Onto part two........
Strictly speaking I have had loyal friends who were always there for me.
They were all TV sets
After 20 years in the bank I was worn out. Quite literally BURNED OUT.
It became harder and harder to face the crowds of people.
Then, A MIRACLE.
The bank went BUST and was bought out by a larger bank who didn't want the staff.
Fortunately the state government demanded that the staff receive proper retrenchment compensation. I was given a lump sum payment that paid my mortgage. My house was paid for and I was away from the crowds at last.

"Life begins at 40"........its sometimes said and my "life" certainly got more "interesting" when I hit 40.
Found my way to the internet and there was online DATING.........
OMIGOD
Introductions by message/email were low stress but she seemed to be saying the right things. This Michelle person came from a screwy background like I did so it seemed to me she might understand a Martian male???
Anyway we met at a pub and despite the nervousness I had she was nice to me. She wanted to get to know me better!
Before our date ended she gave me HUG and kissed me on the cheek
That was both my first HUG and my first kiss from a female not being my mother (my mother didn't HUG).
I was tingling all over for HOURS after
So this was what romance was all about? No wonder everybody wants it! WOOHOO
As things progressed between Michelle and I she told me stuff about her screwy past including the fact her other dates had been abusive. Think date rape. Thats what she called it. So she said that she didn't want to make that mistake with me. She wanted to be sure I was a good guy before we got physical. I didn't mind.
I'd waited 40 years to make love a few more weeks/months didn't matter.

Michelle's life was a mess. She was unemployed and about to get evicted, debts up to her eyeballs. Her car was near death etc etc.
I did what a Martian does in such situations. I dug into my savings and fixed all her debts, everything. It was not cheap but by this time I was head over heels in love. I was floating on the ceiling and was HAPPY, oh so happy
Somehow the subject of money came up in conversation and I mentioned that my bank account was close to empty now. She said she felt bad about that cos it had all been spent on her but she was grateful. A week later Michelle rang one evening with news.
I don't recall the words used but I recall her tone of voice. She was so calm like she was delivering the weather report. She had met up with an old boyfriend and they had got back together. So she said thanks for everything wished me well and hung up.
****!..................****! ........................
For hours I sat there in stunned silence.
It got dark but I didn't notice.........
What came next I could not have predicted.
A month of the most awful pain.
I felt like I was dying from the inside out.
There was this awful dull ache inside physical as well as emotional.
I didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't do anything but endure........
I hoped each day would be my last, please end it!
But a month went by and a sunny morning came.
I still felt awful but a little better. I realised death would not come afterall.

I sought out a shrink. I needed help BADLY.
And so Anita, my shrink listened to my Martian tale over many weeks. She was the lifeline I clung to until time dulled the memory of my by now hated ex "girlfriend" Michelle.
But all situations however dark generally have something positive to them. Anita started working on my non existent self esteem.
Around this time my 41st birthday was approaching. I was still a virgin despite having had a "girlfriend" for months. Michelle knew I was a virgin. I had warned her of that. She used that against me of course. That and my desperation/neediness. Dangled the love carrot to keep the fish on the line.
Where I live, Australia, prostitution was now legal in my state. it was a licenced system. I knew I could not go another year burdened by my desperate virginity.
I agonised over this for weeks. Having sex for the first time is supposed to be about happiness but I was scared witless. An advert in a local paper found me ringing a mature aged lady who called herself Lauren. She sounded nice on the phone and a meeting was arranged.
Don't worry I won't get graphic about this.
Lauren was nice, very nice and she was quite nervous herself not about sex but she didn't know what I was like. Not all her clients were good to her. I made her coffee and we had a long chat. I think this relaxed both of us. What came next was bitter sweet but the burden of virginity was lifted. Can't tell you what a relief that was!
Sadly though male "plumbing" starts to malfunction around the age of 40 and mine had too.
Lovemaking is supposed to be a skill you learn when you are young and healthy.

A new worry emerged. Impotence SIGH.
But another door had opened.
It was not an inexpensive activity but Lauren visited a number of times over the next year.
Fortunately I had not told Michelle that I had TWO bank accounts. She emptied one but not the other.
Lauren was very distressed about her job as a sex worker. It was now legal but social attitudes said it was still immoral. She felt horribly judged. I knew all about being judged.
People open up to me, tell me things they don't tell others. I guess I'm a good listener.

So when Lauren visited me we always had a LONG chat beforehand and she would vent all this painful emotional stuff she had bottled up for weeks.
Lauren had a shrink but Lauren used to tell me stuff she didn't dare to tell her shrink!
I was thusly Lauren's REAL shrink

The love making was so nice despite my impotence.
Over the years I had read about love making. I'd had no practical experience prior to Lauren but I had the theory. On Lauren the theory worked
My battered male ego now knew that I was not useless in the bedroom. A huge hurdle overcome.
Anita, my shrink, kept working on my self esteem and I wanted her to educate me about how I got to be so broken. She mostly told me though she never actually told me I had a personality disorder.

Around the time I was seeing Anita I used the internet fully to research my issues and joined online support groups, met other aliens.
One of these aliens Steve was a young guy who had a remarkably similar life to me though he was quite a bit younger. I noticed his "SELF TALK" was quite vicious towards himself.
He used the most insulting words to describe himself and I could see he was daily stabbing himself emotionally with his destructive self talk. Anita had warned me not to use insults against me in my own self talk, which I had up to this time but until I saw Steve ripping into himself I didn't realise just how destructive self talk could be.
Overnight I stopped using insults in my own self talk.

Guys this was HUGE!!!
Overnight I felt SOOOO much better!!!
Online research led me to Social Anxiety Disorder which sounded so much like me!!
I asked Anita if I had a personality disorder??
She said ........."I don't like to attach labels to clients"
Hmmmm
So maybe I had SAD but Anita didn't like to say that?
Sorry its kind LONG this story......
More in part three.....