How to make a Martian Part three

Hey guys
Onto part three.......
The focus of Anita's counselling was on self esteem and personal power to make me a more resilient person. In her view if my personal power and self esteem were high then such a person NEEDS nobody, real independance. They might WANT the company of others but don't NEED it.
Despite the mauling that I got from the Michelle Monster I was still craving a romantic connection.
Anita WARNED me forcefully DO NOT GO THERE! STAY AWAY FROM RELATIONSHIPS!
She knew I may not survive another mauling.
I took on board all her advice but some time after I said goodbye to Anita I did try to meet a nice alien female repeatedly.
I was at a HUGE disadvantage though.
Children had caused my Martianism with their cruelty. I wanted NOTHING to do with kids, EVER AGAIN!
You just can't say that to women of my generation. As far as I can see the maternal instinct is POWERFUL and IRRESISTABLE.
Women of my generation were going to have kids or die trying. There was no hope of meeting a woman who had my attitude towards kids.
Nevertheless on dating sites I did find that some women seemed interested in a sensitive kindly Martian.
Before meeting anybody my defences were put on high alert. In future women would have to PROVE they were worthy of my trust!
Its sometimes said that after your first heart gets broken the new heart that grows is stronger.
Well in my case my new heart was not about to trust anybody easily.
So over a ten year span 41-51 I dated off and on.........
Half a dozen in all. None were childless.

Interestingly these women were drawn to me because of the sensitive caring part of my profile. All had been married to selfish insensitive typical Earthling males some of whom were violent.

All of them departed after weeks or months. They could not cope with my social limitations and my vulnerable nature though they made full use of my sensitive qualities.
Two that I know of met up with typical males and I got to hear that they found these average males were unsurprisingly INSENSITIVE and also lousy in the bedroom!!
A word to any males reading this. Even before I learned that I was impotent I had read about Lesbian sex techniques. Lesbians I guess you know do not have a penis yet they do have a fulfilling love life. One only needs to know what Lesbians do in the bedroom and even if your male member is on strike there are lots of ways to put a smile on a girls face
Without going into detail three of the ladies I dated discovered that with the Martian they were multi orgasmic. No Earthling male had ever done that for them
Women are attracted to strength,power, confidence in all its forms. Think Alpha males, sporting heroes, business tycoons, anybody successful in their field.
Of course hard charging guys are typically going to be INSENSITIVE but women dont use logic when dating. Their maternal instinct is running the show and directing them towards good solid BREEDING STOCK, robust genes, good providers.

Conversely women are put off by vulnerable males. Males have to be strong, PERIOD.

Beyond my 50's I dropped the girlfriend idea.

Was I lonely?
Surprisingly NO not really.
I am an introvert anyway and we don't need a lot of social contact even if we are not broken.
To feel lonely I would have to imagine that I want the company of the Earthlings out there now.
In my lifetime I have analysed the goodness or otherwise of a typical sample of Earthlings.
I have of course been exposed to the worst side of human nature. Average humans do not get to see this. They might hear that bad people are out there doing evil things but unless they experience this evil personally it does not influence them. They are blissfully ignorant and imagine people are much nicer than they really are.
This is one area that counselling failed to deal with for me. I can't UNLEARN the ugly truth about people.
I know more than regular folks who will never experience what I did.
On a positive note I want to tell you about a very small number of people I met. My ANGELS
These folk were people of extraordinary quality, not a mean bone in their bodies. They represented to me LOVE in human form.
In a lifetime I met just six of these folk.
So fortunately I know that really good people do exist otherwise I would have a very depressing view of Earthlings in general.

Shrinks these days try to treat Avoidant folks with a mix of meds, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Exposure therapy.
I've had counselling but not specifically CBT but I reckon the two are compatible.

MEDS I can say something about and this was AMAZING.
The 20 years in the bank sometimes saw me required to run meetings, Give SPEECHES
Fortunately my mother had Valium for anxiety.
On speech day I took some of mum's Valium to calm me down. It was still an awful job but I was calm enough to struggle through. INTERESTING SIDE EFFECT!
On me Valium sorta worked a bit like alcohol (I don't drink though) in that it damped down my inhibitions and gave me courage in the face of danger/threat/conflict. Three times this happened with similar results. One example was my boss (a creep everybody hated) who criticised me without just cause one morning (I was well dosed with Valium). Without being insulting and with a half dozen well chosen words I cut him to ribbons and he slunk back into his office, avoided me for the rest of the day. One of my colleagues gave me a thumbs up
But it was a taste of what maybe I might have been had the bullies never broken me.

Exposure therapy says if you face what you fear you get used to it and it no longer bothers you.
So how about 20 years of exposure therapy????
I can report that I did get social skills rammed into me. My first day on the job I hardly spoke at all but as I got to know the staff I was able to converse with them. Periodically the bank would transfer staff around to a different office and I always HATED this!
Getting to know new strangers was so stressful
My desire to put distance between myself and others never diminished, quite the opposite.
Burn out had me begging for solitude which came miraculously after that bank crashed.
Yes I can force myself to enter a social situation if I have to but its never easy nor pleasant.
I'm a true LONER and thats who I will remain.
Please don't think that just because I didn't defeat APD you can't do better than I did.
I did manage to reduce the impact of my APD with a few moderate breakthroughs and this made life tolerable.

We are all different and unique.