How To Change The Habits Of A Lifetime

I know I'm not being very realistic. I so wish I had a woman to love in my life, yet I don't do anything irl to get one. I hardly go anywhere or do anything social. And though I long for love, I don't really like people that much. I can't stand noisy people or crowds. Much of the time I am content being alone. Yet my heart longs for love. I just don't know how to change. I would like to be more open to people, but I am so use to living alone like I have been that I don't know how. How do I learn to want to be with people???

You can still be with a woman in more private settings. Most people like crowds no more than you do. Finding love comes unexpectedly. I know love is the cure to all my problems as well.

Hi,
Do you have any hobbies (like exercising) where you could participate and meet people. Have you tried volunteering for something you feel passionate about. How about getting a dog- it's amazing how many people talk to you when you have one. Make sure you appear approachable meaning -a pleasant look on your face.
You also should realize that finding a woman won't be the key to your happiness- you have to feel complete first. If we always depend on others to make us happy then we set ourselves up for disappointment when it doesn't work out. People always say-"oh, I'll be happy when.......... and that day never comes. Be happy now and don't make it conditional. Good luck.

((((((((((((horsecab))))))))))))
smiling we never know who might fall to your smile

As long as people aren't asking me if i'm all right, i am alright.

I'm very sorry that you're so down. Is it possible for you to chat online with people in your area?

You really do need to find/figure out yourself first, before finding someone else to be "the cure to all your problems." The first therapist that I went to told me that my severe depression was nothing but homesickness, and that all I needed was to get married, and that would cure it. I knew that there was more to it, but I did get married, and my problems only got bigger. I have been diagnosed with AvPD too, and I still struggle to be comfortable with who I am, and I really fear rejection. Being married has not made that better.

((((((((((((((( horsey ))))))))))))))))
I agree with Rap about needing to figure ourselves out first... the theory is good anyway

This is very touching and I can feel your loneliness and longing.

I would suggest you find a good therapist who knows about avoidant personality and will work with you. You can find free counseling at a university counseling center or at some community mental health centers if you can't afford it. You will probably not be able to do it with straight medical insurance because they typically only cover 6-8 sessions (or don't cover personality disorders at all), and we know that for someone with AV 6-8 sessions is barely long enough to get warmed up.

Why do I encourage you to see a therapist? Well... I knew a kid in college who was brilliant but had a personality disorder and dropped out of school. His rationale? It costs SO much, and you can read all the books free from the libraries and teach yourself all the stuff they teach you in class, so it's a waste of time and money to stay in school.

Well, you can probably guess what happened. He never got the books and he never taught himself, because in the end attempting something like that by yourself leaves you feeling overwhelming and not knowing where to start. My point is that a good therapist can gauge where you are at, what you are ready for, and break goals down in chunks you can realistically face. By yourself it sounds like you find it an insurmountable task.

Also, I would encourage you to be honest with any woman you meet, so she can go into a relationship with her eyes open. It's true that the more you tell the more you may run someone off, but it's also true that if you don't, you might be inviting more misery than happiness in your life. There are women out there who are low key, not social butterflies, patient, and kind. It's not impossible to find one and with a good therapist you might make the gradual steps to finding her. Good luck.

I so appreciate your post. I, too, have had difficulty throughout my life in terms of dealing with people. I suspect for me it has a lot to do with trust issues. Ideally, it would be wise to deal with our issues before getting involved in relatinoships, etc, but that isn't typically how it works.

Changing, is difficult, and I wish that I had the key to that door because I would have used it a long time ago. Instead, for me I moved through life as best I could and find myself still trying to cope and resolve those issues today!

Trusting yourself and other people is a difficult thing, I hope that you can find the love that you so desperately seek.

TJ

My therapist said to me, in the hospital, "You can't love and be loved until you love yourself."

I know now that I cannot be in a relationship that will work until I have a relationship with myself.

I am still working on that and I am still alone.

I have to be okay with that right now.

Take care.

Billi

im alone too still. i think i need someone in my life like that sometimes, but with all the issues i have im not ready. it has to be the right person to be compatible with or it never seems possible. ive tried alot with a few people, and i gave it all i had. well, people are people and i realize its not worth being with someone from being lonely. its safer and better to be patient and find the one. if there is a one.for me, im ok with knowing there may never be a one.

I can totally relate to you horsie. When you find the answer let me know {safe hugs}