[MusicLover82]

TRIGGER WARNING!!!

My story is kind of long, but here goes:

The beginning of my MI was my first year of college when I started having severe panic attacks. I was diagnosed with GAD and put on Xanax and some antidepressant. Then, my second and third year of college, I started having mood swings. My third year of college, I began obsessing about several things. My anxiety was severe again, and I became depressed and couldn't stop talking about my mental issues with my classmates who thought I was going insane. I would be in a class and instantly have to get up and leave due to anxiety attacks.

Then, one of my roommates wisely told me to go home and live with my parents until I could get straightened out. I knew she was right. I couldn't hold things together. I was a mess. My college dean granted me a leave of absence and said I could return in good standing within a certain period of time. I never went back. That was just the beginning of my breakdown.

I went into a deep depression and had major obsessions. I was afraid to be alone because I had developed intrusive images. I don't know how to do a trigger thing so I won't say what they were but they were VERY disturbing. I was afraid to be alone because of the violent nature of the intrusive images. I was terrified of myself, terrified to be alone, terrified that my life wouldn't get better. I had suicidal thoughts and should have been hospitalized because of my despair, but I was seeing a bad psychiatrist and did not want to be under her care in the hospital.

It took SIX F****** months of hell to finally get the proper diagnosis and get properly treated. One of my psychiatrists (the one I mentioned above) was emotionally abusive even. I wish I had documented our interactions so I could take her to court.

Once I got a really GOOD psychiatrist (the one I see now), he diagnosed me with OCD as my main problem at the time and Bipolar 2 as well. Now he treats my bipolar mostly because he feels like that is the overriding MI I have with the OCD as one of my symptoms (AP's seem to help my OCD a lot).

It has been 13 years since that bad OCD/ depressive episode, and I haven't had another one that bad since. I did have to be hospitalized once due to severe mania from taking a high dose of steroids because of an allergic reaction to Lamictal. That was pretty traumatic, but I bounced back fast.

I am so grateful. I know my illness is not as bad as it would be without meds, and I tend to stay relatively stable. I am grateful I have kept the same jobs for a while (one for 10 years before quitting, and my current one for 5 years now) and I am good at hiding my mini-episodes from people. I live a relatively "normal" life.

I never really like writing a "success story" because I know that there are ebbs and flows to mental illness. I may be fine this year, but in a couple of years, I may need some more major med changes. Or even be hospitalized. And I'm okay with that. I've learned that it's okay to have weaknesses and have times when I need to lean on family and friends more (the people I can REALLY trust). The people who love me the most are understanding and they just want me to be okay. And as much as I complain and whine about my symptoms, overall I am doing fine.

"Out of night and alarm, out of terrible dreams, reach me your hand. This is the meaning that we suffered in sleep, the white peace of the waking." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Song of the Nations"

[Skeezyks]

Hello MusicLover82: Thanks for sharing your success story! What you wrote about your college years brought back memories. I had some difficult times in college as well. I struggled with a lot of depression, anxiety & agoraphobia. Getting up & speaking in front of a class would almost KILL ME! Sometimes just being able to stay in my seat was a struggle.

In my case, I was too embarrassed & too deep in denial to seek any kind of serious treatment. And, back then, there wasn't much in the way of treatment available anyway. So I just stumbled along as best I could.

The good part of this was that I eventually made it through college & even grad school. It often wasn't pretty... but I made it. The bad part is that it wasn't pretty & it also made it possible for me to continue stumbling along in deep denial for another three decades before things began to truly unravel.

I'm glad to read you are doing well & that you are able to live a "relatively 'normal' life." And I send warm hugs your way with the hope that circumstances in your life will continue to go well...