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*Beth*
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Default Apr 06, 2021 at 10:11 PM
  #61
There's a lot of talk about memory loss from ECT, but I experience (and I know some others do, too) memory loss as a side effect of some medications. Memory loss and other cognitive issues.

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Default Apr 07, 2021 at 01:34 AM
  #62
Indeed, not to mention the cognitive issues brought on by depression itself. I am taking notes, which I was already used to because my memory was impaired by the depression. The extent of things I'm forgetting, like others have mentioned, is more or less "did I see that movie already" or "did I say/do that already." It's not really a big deal to me so far, given that it's limited to the ECT time period, should be temporary, and it's hard to distinguish from the symptoms I already had. I can usually recover most of my memories anyway if I run through the "check list" in my head or apply some logical reasoning. If it doesn't get worse than this, then it's totally worth it in my opinion. Honestly I can't even really tell whether the memory issues are really due to the ECT treatment, or due to going under general anaesthesia multiple times a week, which is admittedly pretty intense.
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Default Apr 07, 2021 at 02:17 PM
  #63
Interesting take on the general anesthesia. I've never heard anyone mention it, but seems like the anesthesia could certainly be responsible for memory loss.


Oh, if people who didn't have mental illness only knew how challenging it is...

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Default Apr 08, 2021 at 09:52 AM
  #64
Yeah, sometimes I wonder if it's even possible to really grasp it if you haven't lived it (including for therapists and Pdocs). Most people who've never been clinically depressed can't seem to understand that it's much more than just "sadness" and that it's not necessarily "about something" that's wrong in your life, i.e. everything can be perfect and you're still depressed, it's more of a physical thing than a psychological thing in a way.

Right now I just try not to worry too much about what's causing what. I already had cognitive issues due to the depression, now it may be that the ECT and/or anaesthesia are contributing, but even if they are it should only be temporary. What matters is that my depression (as measured by standardized tests) has already "halved" after only four ECT treatments! There are times when I'm actually starting to feel a little enjoyment in life again, something I had started to think impossible after living for so long without any joy. There are also moments when the depression worsens, and I still can't sleep all that well either, but what matters is I'm finally seeing some real improvement.

The thought that really scares me now is the possibility that I might relapse. I really don't want to go through all that again... I just hope and pray that my maintenance meds after ECT are going to work as advertised. I guess when worse comes to worst I'd be willing to do maintenance ECT, if the cognitive issues don't get worse than this, but my first hope is still Lamictal.
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Default Apr 08, 2021 at 05:42 PM
  #65
I am so excited for you, FluffyD! It's only natural that you would feel anxious about the possibility of relapse. But that possibility is a long way off...for now your treatment is succeeding!

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Default Apr 15, 2021 at 10:08 AM
  #66
Thanks again for all the support! Just a quick update to let you know that things are still going well treatment-wise. Please feel free to ignore if it's getting tedious.

Right now ECT number seven is coming up tomorrow. According to the score we're using to keep track of my depression severity, I'm still at the high end of "moderate" depression, leaning towards "severe." It fluctuates a bit, some better days and some worse, which I guess is to be expected. Still, my score is currently only just over half of what it was when I started out, when my depression measured as "very severe," so the improvement is undeniable and I'm happy with it. Also, my irritability is almost entirely gone, which is good. Anxiety seems to be one of the last things to go, it's still pretty strong at the moment for reasons I can't quite explain.

I'm starting to remember what it was like to have the capacity to be excited about things, and I think at times I'm starting to remember what it feels like to be myself again. There are also times when I feel sadness and fear that the depression will worsen again, and sometimes it seems like those feelings hit extra hard now that I have something to contrast them with.

Possible trigger:


I am extremely eager to start working towards something again, like a project or anything worthwhile. However, though the excitement is starting to come back, it's still hard to do anything concrete because the ECT itself is just so exhausting, as I mentioned before. Also, I'm kind of afraid to overdo it and push myself too hard. I want to be careful to strike the right balance between pushing myself enough but not too much, just enough to optimize my recovery. I was wondering if anyone here had any advice in that regard?

Another question I wanted to ask is, any advice on how to estimate the right time to stop the ECT and transition to maintenance treatment? Like I said, I'm very happy with the results so far, and the side effects are still tolerable, but it's still a pretty taxing treatment and I'd prefer not to continue it unnecessarily long, especially since I feel like I won't be able to find the energy to get back to work or anything like that while I'm still doing the treatment.

Also, I have to say that I'm finding it pretty difficult to estimate the extent of the memory loss. I think I haven't lost anything important yet, just a little fuzzy thinking which I attribute more to the anaesthesia than anything else, and which I think will improve after the treatment stops. However, I'm starting to get a little paranoid about the possibility of memory loss, I keep feeling like I vaguely recognize strangers in the street and things like that, which is a little unnerving.
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*Beth*
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Default Apr 17, 2021 at 05:05 PM
  #67
I'm sorry I don't have answers to your questions, FluffyD. I hope one of our members who has had ECT sees this thread.

How are you doing now?

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Default Apr 18, 2021 at 01:11 AM
  #68
No problem, I understand, and I appreciate all the replies so far! At the moment I'm feeling a little lower again mood-wise, which I'm guessing and hoping is just a random fluctuation that is to be expected. Or maybe it's just because I'm nervous about the upcoming week. I'm talking to my Pdoc tomorrow after ECT number eight, so hopefully he will have answers to some of those questions. I think it's important at this point for me to develop a proper recovery plan because I don't just want to lean back and assume that the ECT will do all the work for me.
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*Beth*
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Default Apr 18, 2021 at 11:15 AM
  #69
I agree. Keep in mind that you are doing absolutely everything possible to treat your depression, and your hard work is something to be proud of!

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Default Apr 18, 2021 at 01:19 PM
  #70
Thank you! And for what it's worth, my mood has improved a little again, back to the point where I feel like I'm nearly ready to start trying some work and hobbies again, although actually doing it is another matter because I'm still pretty exhausted from the treatment itself. I feel like I'm close to a point where I just kind of need to "push through" to break a vicious cycle of feeling bad, not being able to do the things I love, feeling worse, and so on. I'll try to remember to discuss that with my Pdoc tomorrow. It almost seems too good to be true that I might be close to the point where I can start getting my life back, I'm having a hard time believing there isn't some catch that's going to jump out and bite me at the last second.
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*Beth*
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Default Apr 18, 2021 at 02:14 PM
  #71
I understand. I think we get a PTSD reaction from having episodes of depression (or mania). It's that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's so important to remember that change, positive change, really does occur.

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Default Apr 18, 2021 at 03:16 PM
  #72
Yes, well said, that's exactly how it feels!
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