[BNLsMOM]

And it looks like I am the one with all the issues. I was always blaming everyone else even when I said I wasn't. Family meeting at partial hospitalization program today was very painful. I am trying so hard to build my self esteem while I am there and I feel like it is continuing to crash down around me. I am overwhelmed, upset, afraid to speak my mind because it might be irrational and unreasonable. I am not getting better and I am lashing out at everyone in my family. By the end of the day I am so angry and headachy, that I just want to scream and break things.

Maybe a med adjustment? I don't know how much longer I can go on like this and I have NO idea how I am going to take all these things I am learning in the partial program into my every day life. I am so nonfunctional that I feel like I need a remedial course on how to be a human.

I feel horrible

[xxWant2Escapexx]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

And it looks like I am the one with all the issues. I was always blaming everyone else even when I said I wasn't. Family meeting at partial hospitalization program today was very painful. I am trying so hard to build my self esteem while I am there and I feel like it is continuing to crash down around me. I am overwhelmed, upset, afraid to speak my mind because it might be irrational and unreasonable. I am not getting better and I am lashing out at everyone in my family. By the end of the day I am so angry and headachy, that I just want to scream and break things.

Maybe a med adjustment? I don't know how much longer I can go on like this and I have NO idea how I am going to take all these things I am learning in the partial program into my every day life. I am so nonfunctional that I feel like I need a remedial course on how to be a human.

I feel horrible

{{{{{{BNLsMOM}}}}}}
I am still here,rooting for your speedy recovery,trying to send lots of hugs and healing vibes your way......eventually i hope they will make it to you.I cant really offer you any advice in this subject.....pretty much everyone in my surrounding family is f**ked up so now i just fit in perfectly lol.....my son was dx with ADD when younger(he no longer takes meds for it,he is 18.Now he has actually removed me from his life due to my mental health condition.....real nice huh),my middle child has an eating disorder,my youngest hasnt been dx yet but i think she is ADD also as she acts exactly like her brother did before his dx.My father is absent from my life,my two youngest daughters dont even know him(his choice not mine)my mom also has an eating disorder,my ex has been dx with bipolar depression also but refuses to take meds for it (he TRULY needs to be medicated!!!) so yeah....i fit in like a glove now.Or actually how does the saying go...birds of a feather flock together.....anyways,if anything,i hope you can at least get a giggle out of this.I am sorry for all the pain you are going thru.Take care

[Amazonmom]

While you may be the one with the mood disorder, the rest of the family also has responsibility for how they act. You are not the source of all the issues. Family has to learn to own their own garbage, so to speak.

I am no doctor or NP, but I am concerned that you aren't getting the meds you need. Lithium and lamictal are the drugs I see being used for Bipolar II, along with Seroquel, or Abilify. If I was face to face with your prescriber I would ask why they keep giving you stuff that is more on the antimanic side when you are obviously severely depressed. Bipolar II folks need the emphasis on the depression side, because most of the time spent ill is depression.

My heart goes out to you...I hope things get better soon.

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by Amazonmom

While you may be the one with the mood disorder, the rest of the family also has responsibility for how they act. You are not the source of all the issues. Family has to learn to own their own garbage, so to speak.

I am no doctor or NP, but I am concerned that you aren't getting the meds you need. Lithium and lamictal are the drugs I see being used for Bipolar II, along with Seroquel, or Abilify. If I was face to face with your prescriber I would ask why they keep giving you stuff that is more on the antimanic side when you are obviously severely depressed. Bipolar II folks need the emphasis on the depression side, because most of the time spent ill is depression.

My heart goes out to you...I hope things get better soon.

I will be seeing the psychiatrist some time today at the partial program to ask that very question. Why I am on Trileptal, Idon't know. When I was on TOpamax, I shot straight into a manic episode and then right down into a suicidal depression, although I had no idea I was depressed. The thoughts were more like delusions. Then they changed me to Trileptal and I have remained depressed and getting worse. My score on the Phych Central's depression scale was 81 last night. I am no longer suicidal, and i don't want to sink to that level again. Right now I am becoming despondent, which is never good when You have a family.

[amaviena]

For twenty five years my best friend thought that she was the only screwed up one in the family and every new diagnosis was a startling surprise that she was looked down on for. Family secrets seep out some times. Aunt Judy had an eating disorder. Grandma was hospitalized. Cousin Liz had Borderline. The things that we hide have a habit of making life harder for more people than just us.

[amaviena]

You have to do what's best for you.

[BNLsMOM]

Didn't get to see the pdoc today, but apparently she believes with all her heart that I am on the right medicine and that I was supposed to be increasing my dose in increments. I got this from my case worker at the program. How am I supposed to know this if no one is telling me? It's not like I have done this before. Maybe I misunderstood or maybe I need too much hand holding. Isn't that one thing partial hospitilization is for? To hold my hand a little while I get through this and learn what I am supposed to do so that I can live a proper life?

I am telling you, I liked it better when I was in the inpatient and they called me to the window for my meds.

I am getting so angry and I am supposed to be finished with the program on Friday if all goes well. I am not ready to be "out there" yet. I feel like I am too sick. I feel like I am running out of time. When will my mind shift? When will I feel like I can handle things again? When will my freaking meds work?

I miss my regular Tdoc. He is on vacation and I will see him on Monday the 20th if I am out of the program. I told him once that I feel safe at his office and I want to live under his desk. I promised I wouldn't eat much.

[amaviena]

Take notes during your OP visits. That's what I do. Then I can refer to the notes later and if they didn't tell me something I can say AH! That's why! That way, you can be more accountable, but you're required to remember just as much. Besides, sitting in front of someone that's writing gives them a dose of their own medicine. lol <hugs>