Positive to Others - Negative to Self

Well I'll be 49, Oct 1st.

I'm already saying 50. I never thought I'd make it this far in life. As a kid I wanted two children a boy then a girl, I didn't want to marry. I wanted to get a little dog and a little house and live until I was 40.
I've been on mental social security since 1995. I fought like heck for it. We all know about that! The last job I has I was a Executive Secretary for McDonald Douglas Airfact. We built the 747's. When I finally ended my career I was at the position in work presenting the aircraft to the customer. Even could gone on a flight test, but no thank you.

We I'll be 49 on Thursday - 2009. What have I been doing for all these years. They've just passed.

4 Marriages, 2 children grown: 31 & 24, also 3 grandchildren.
I have three sisters, that now in our 40's we've found each other and finally have created that bond; which we were never allowed to do growing up. We were played against each other. We are all in different states. We are all on social security for mental disorders and all forms of abuse.

I had my sisters names tattooed on my leg as THE BOND WILL NEVER BE BROKEN AGAIN!

I think the mental and emotional abuse out weighs the physical by far - but close. The physical abuse medical nerve damage neck surgery from being chocked, hit with wire brushed, cans thrown at you, etc... As we have gotten older these ailments are finally speaking out

One sisters liver doesn't work due to alcohol - On her 11th birthday - Judy brought her home a case of beer. With her drawer full of drugs and males parties around we young girls all under the age of 12.

I had myself put in juvenile, then placed in various (icky) foster homes.
I raised my sisters. I was in foster homes she wouldn't let me see my sisters - she used that hurt me.

When I was there I protected them. When I left I thought it was my fault she was mean ..So I left....Only ..TO find out it grew enormously and NO ONE was there to protect them.

Whatever way mental and emotional she could do - She would find it and destroy it, or take it away.

Child services showed up a few times - We tried to TELL. But no one would listen; kids tell lies, and as we grew she'd tell people we were CRAZY and not to pay attention. Besides having us scared to death when the case workers showed up.

I never could watch those shows like: Little house on the prairie, The Walton's CUZ Behind those doors things were nice like that.

We we raised not knowing anything about life except for being degraded, told how ugly and stupid we were.....

Judy dreamed she was frying was in a frying pan. She thought that was funny. She would take my sisters to bowling places and people at the end of the day would give them rides home. Once she stopped the car on a old dirt road out in no where and told one of us to walk. She even forgot one of my baby sisters at home.

My sexual abuse started at age 2 from my step father, after the bars closed. I would hide under dirty piles of laundry, tables etc. It continued with him until one day, must have been a OLD SOUL my therapist told me because I stood in front of him at age 5 and said I'm going to tell....
At this time she was sending us to his house on the weekends, though we weren't his... She knew at age 3 I tried to tell - she shipped me off to Florida for three months.... A little 3 year Curly To-Head blonde.

I saw a black and white picture of him holding my next sister as I stood behind. I looked at that picture with no smile just sorry and said to myself "What is it that makes a little child like to sexy, that they would be shamed and ruined for life"

Life went on - men in and out sneaking in our rooms or just by accident - AS FOR SOME SURPISINGLY HER 'BILLS' GOT PAID.

She is still alive, still trying to create drama, yet she always has to have someone on her side. She's try to get to our children to let them know she's their grandma.

So anyway - People have to believe us now - we're all in our 40's, All on social security and all messed up emotional etc.
What I say is If you don't believe this or that LOOK at US.

We tried to break the cycle with our children, we did the best with what we didn't know.....
The chemical imbalance stayed and emotionally I didn't even know how to hug my poor poor son as he got older because I thought it was incest.
He have to ask me for a hug.

So I'll be 49, on October 1st 1960 (2009)

AND 'WE' here all know there was so much more -

I have figured she took all of our childhoods - So we (but the alcohol who should be dead - even surprises her doctors any, but they won't treat her cuz she refuses to stop drinking. AND this GIRL wants to be on life support for 6 months)

So as I was saying - She took our children's - She will not take the anymore. Even if I have to of course be on medication and help.

Seriously I do not have any friends. I don't leave my house but to do the errands on pay check day and I like going to the Dollar Tree where everything's a $1.00 (nice stuff) - There I buy everything for EVERYBODY ELSE.

People can not understand my rapid behavior of Bipolar - But you know what !!! IF THEY CARED THEY'D GET KNOWLEDGED ABOUT IT!!!

I've been lacking off the forum - I have so much to give.
But so much I need to express - But it would only be - who wants to read that. So why post.

I've been told many times in my life "nothing makes me happy" - you know what THEY ARE RIGHT! I don't know how to be happy. Of like Eyesore "Go ahead knock my house down, it's going to fall anyway"

I have met and received, excepted and shared. The words and in encouragement I gave out - Just flowed, I didn't have to think about it.

I'll be 49, October 1st............................................... ..............
__________________

Fortunatly I did not go through any type of physical or sexual abuse. But the emotional abuse has been one thing I can not let go of. My mother drank a lot. My sister with Cerebral Palsy needed me, and my daddy was dieing of a lung disease. Between my moms drunken out bursts and missing out on what most kids my age was doing at the time. And my daddy did pass when I was 17. I too feel like Eeyore. Let my house fall; it is going to anyway. I have been told several times in my life I am impossible to live with. And no one has to tell me I will never be happy. I have moments of happiness, but when will the real happiness begin. I don't really see it in the near future. And it would really be nice if the people in my life would educate them selves about my bipolar disorder. That way they would know to not tip toe around me.

Thank you Starlite. I appreciate you more than you will ever know.

Thank you so much for sharing, I mean it - It means you trust me

Thank you Notz - I have had a wonderful time trying to find you a beautiful varitey of masks...........
I think we did pretty darn good!

The words you've shared about Everything to do with life, bipolar, happiness, fear, ...... I know I'm there and have been for a very long time - thanx for sharing.

Starlight
Your post has touched me so much
You are so very brave for posting that
I know how it hurts when you aren't allowed to see your siblings when you are in foster homes because your mother won't let you. I been there.
I know its a little late and all but Happy Birthday!
I know not all birthdays are good but I hope this one was an okay one even with so much going on for you. And I know what you mean about the dollar tree. Its a great store! Please take gentle care of yourself and keep posting. I enjoy reading what you have to say.

Oh my shiny starlite.......i feel sooooo awful for sending you a birthday wish NOW!!! I am 4 days late!!!!!
I dont think you know the magnitude of bravery you exhibited with that post of yours.Thankfully,i grew up with minimal abuse in my childhood (step father.....and most of it seems to be blocked in my head anyways) but i did have amazing grandparents who showered me with soooo much love it made up for alot of the bad from the stepfather.
As far as your age goes.....i have seen your pictures and i personally think you look a~m~a~z~i~n~g for 39......oops 49 (see what i mean...i took you for 39 in those pics!!) Dont be so hard on yourself for what you are capable of doing and not doing (leaving house for only a few short periods of time) You do what you can for a reason......and i think you should be proud of what you accomplish.So...take care shiny star....keep sharing your wonderful self here on PC....i for one,along with many many others i am sure,wouldnt want you any other way

XX - It is a wonderful thing to have had someone, anyone, just one person that showed you love. I'd wished I'd had even that.

LivingMiracle - The dollar tree is the ultimate for me, like I'm in heaven.

Thank you for responding and standing with me in these thoughts of pain.

Happy belated birthday. Life has put you through the wringer...but here you are! You're strong. Keep on keepin' on.

I enjoyed (ok, that's the wrong word) reading about your life. These kinds of posts are the ones I like best because it helps me to gain perspective and see that there are other people in the world. Thanks for sharing all that with us.

I mostly read on here, I'm not especially brave about posting for one of the specific things you say, I really need to talk about things, not really ask questions or what-not, just express things...its was really nice to read all you had to say. You are very brave.

A happy belated birthday from me as well.

I wish I had read this before your birthday passed, but happy birthday anyway. You have been through so much and as I read your post I could feel a strong sense of sadness but also love. Love for your sisters, and somewhere deep inside, love for yourself. It's there because you are here. Somewhere, someday, you will be able to feel it. I only wish the best for you from now on.

It really does take alot of courage to share these experiences and feelings. I feel sad for you that you weren't taken care of when you needed it. Even though you've had a terrible time, you still have a gentle heart - you're definately a SURVIVOR with a strong spirit.

Thank all of you truly - when I started typing this I never planned what was to come out.... I still really don't know what I wrote, but I know it must have needed to come out.
Sincerely