[VickiesPath]

As some of you might know, I am struggling greatly right now. My Effexor is causing 24/7 headaches and starlike shooting pains behind my eyes. Also, my blood pressure was spiking so much that at times I felt like I had a tourniquette around my neck. My PCP doubled my blood pressure med. We are titrating the Effexor down while adding Zoloft. Also, after six weeks, we are talking about adding a tiny bit of Abilify to see how that goes.

I am struggling so much. My family has abandoned me once again. My PTSD is very, very bad. A door slams and I"m through the roof. My husband came up behind me and touched me and I almost slugged him. I am crying every 15 minutes and seething angry between. All of this was triggered by remembering the childhood abuse from my mother. T says we gotta do this and be done with it.

Back on the Valium. I've never taken it often. I don't abuse it. Never been an abuser of meds. One good thing.

My anger has never been an issue for me but I did something I have wanted to do for years. My sister refused to have anything to do with my current struggle and I wrote her an email telling her exactly what I think of my family not supporting me EVER. Maybe it was not the thing to do but it really felt good being honest for once. We have a nephew who everyone feels sorry for and our diagnosis is the same. All I get is judgment. I think it just took someone completely rejecting me for me to get the guts to say what I've wanted to say for years. It really felt good. I'm sure I've done irreparable damage. But what the hell.

I hope I'm not going to regret saying what I did but I have wanted to say those things for so long, whether or not I was in crisis, that I can't see myself regreting it. It's hard to know though.

I just hate this disease.

[BNLsMOM]

(((Vickie)))

I hope you and your T can work through this and you find some relief with your meds soon.

We support you here. You are a very supportive and loving person. That comes through in your posts.

[lynn P.]

It's hard to see a good person like you struggling like you are. Hopefully once your meds are stablized you'll feel like you can handle everytihng else that's going on. I think it's okay that you told your sister how you really feel especially since you've been wanting to do this for a while. I hope you feel relief soon my friend

[Berries]

((((Vickie))))

Good for you for asserting yourself.
I'm sorry you are struggling so much.
Side effects can be awful.
I hope you get relief soon--from side effects and life effects.

[thinker22]

That's terrible Vickie. Not only are you in physical pain and having PTSD on a hair trigger, people are judging you too like it's your fault. What happened to us in terms of having a genetic disease and having experienced trauma is not our fault, as you well know. We all wish we didn't have these symptoms. I wish your family would understand you better and be more supportive. I have PTSD too and at times my skin is hypersensitive so my partner can't touch me without me withdrawing fast. I tell him why and I think it hurts him anyway. I keep thinking he's sneaking up on me when he's in a room behind me when I thought he was in another room and he says something and my body and my heart jump and I gasp. And then he seems angry like I'm accusing him of sneaking up on me when he thought I heard his footsteps.

It's a mess, but I know some of what you're going through. My family had a hard time accepting my diagnosis because I've always been so responsible, but now I'm burned out and can barely function some days. They haven't abandoned me, but in a way I still don't think they believe I have it because my mom's saying I could come off meds and just take homeopathic remedies or else more vitamins and minerals. It's ridiculous. I've already tried all that stuff and it doesn't work. My dad thinks he can pray away my illness and "work a miracle." It's like science is a foreign concept to them. I don't want to hurt anyone, but my illness (and your illness) seem to drive people to say and do things that totally are not helpful.

Hope they learn soon how to support you and not exasperate your illness.

[Amazonmom]

((((((Vickie))))))

I'm so sorry this is happening....

HUGS

[lonegael]

((((((Vicky))))) What a terrible bunch of things to have happn all at once. I understand about the effexor; they never have my effexor in stock at the state pharmacy here and they keep replacing it with a generic (different everytime) and right now it is having me feel pretty %&/tty. Nothing like electrical shocks buzzing through you head, eh?
About your sister, love, sometimes somethings just need to be said. The concept "good idea " is some times not even applicable. I really hope that you get some relief and understanding IRL soon, and with the meds, it's Heck now, but it will pass. take care of yourself

Good energy and support to you, Vickie.

When I talk to members of my family, I try to give them the impression that things are going great for me and in fact couldn't be better (this is a challenge, to say the least). I've come to enjoy watching them try to hide their obvious disappointment and attempt to act as though they're happy for me.

If I really want to offend them, I just show some self esteem. It makes them crazy! When my mother tries to subtly tear me down in order to put me back into my proper place in the family, I enjoy withholding anything that she can use to bring me down. It really rattles them when things go well for me; and it has actually come to be amusing to me to watch them try to hide their frustration when I refuse to 'do my part' and be miserable for their benefit.

I'm through giving them the satisfaction of me being messed up and crazy! In my family, I've finally figured out that living well really is the best revenge. Mike

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by cypher

Good energy and support to you, Vickie.

When I talk to members of my family, I try to give them the impression that things are going great for me and in fact couldn't be better. I've come to enjoy watching them try to hide their obvious disappointment and attempt to act as though they're happy for me.

If I really want to offend them, I just show some self esteem. It makes them crazy! When my mother tries to subtly tear me down in order to put me back into my proper place in the family, I enjoy withholding anything that she can use to bring me down. It really rattles them when things go well for me; and it has actually come to be amusing to me to watch them try to hide their frustration when I refuse to 'do my part' and be miserable for their benefit.

I'm through giving them the satisfaction of me being messed up! In my family, I've finally figured out that living well really is the best revenge. Mike

You're right and good for you Mike!!

[ADHD1956]

[VickiesPath]

Thank you all so much for your care and good wishes. Thinker, what you said reminded me of something I read recently, thanks to Lynn P. referring me to the metanoia.org website.

PTSD is caused when a person goes through extended periods of being suicidal. Not that we all don't have periods of PTSD caused by other traumas. But being suicidal in and of itself is enough to cause or exacerbate PTSD. So, what you said about burn-out is true. After having this disease for a lengthy period of time and suffering over and over from the affects of suicidal ideation, PTSD is an expected addition to our struggle. I've never had anyone mention that to me. I've always known I've suffered from it due to other traumas but never knew it was part and parcel of suicidal ideation.

[perpetuallysad]

Vickie, I guess everyone else has already said all the things I could think to say, but you are always so kind and respond to my posts, so I just wanted you to know that I am sorry this is happening and I know it sucks not to have any support. I know someone who lives in Phoenix, I could send them over to give you a hug...hehe. Ok, sorry, using humor and sarcasm is one of my things when I don't know what to do. I hope things get better. I am sorry you are going through this crap. Especially the stuff with the abuse you suffered with your mother. Its extremely hard to go through that in the first place, but then when your family doesn't stand beside you its immeasurably worse.

[Pamela Choi]

Vikki,

I am sorry that you are having problems with your health, it can definitely caused added stress which you do not need!!

I know this is easier said than done; I think you did the right thing with the letter to your sister, it feels good to vent your feeling in a healthy matter.

I can’t believe your family is turning their back on you, have they always treated you like that?

If they feel sorry for your nephew, why can’t they understand you?

If anything, they should be coming to you with the years of knowledge you have. You would be a great person to educate and give both your nephew and family support.

I am worried with the lack of supported you have recieved from them; they would not be the best people to support and educate him.

[VickiesPath]

This is the gist of the announcement I made to my sister:

It would be futile to try to explain the entire family dynamics here but let it suffice to say that my nephew is 28 and lives with his parents, who are my oldest brother and his wife. He is bipolar and has Touretts. His Touretts has gotten milder in the past 12 years. He has an alcohol problem and occasionally uses meth. He has been arrested and in treatment four times. He is the youngest of three sons. His next older brother is an ordained Presbyterian minister. His oldest brother is a crack cocaine addict.

His mother is convinced she knows it all. My brother keeps quiet because it does him no good to object to anything but he has been trying to get his youngest son to go to school and support himself as his parents are going to die someday. The mom is very overweight and has a multitude of health ills including fibromyalgia, weak ankles, arthritic knees, stomach and kidney illnesses, and whatever else is a popular. She and my brother both think that the multitude of personal problems I've had in my life as well as my multiple marriages are disgraceful and have not hesitated to tell me so. However, I did work for 34 years, graduated from university, was never in jail or treatment, and always supported myself. But I am the black sheep of the family and make bad choices. At least this is according to my sister-in-law. Ever since her middle son was ordained as a minister, her halo is bigger than her butt. And if she would ever stoop to help me, I'm sure it would fall off completely so she could not possibly do that. So screw her. My sister has become her best friend.

[Pamela Choi]

You family history has many twists and turns and has been wearing on you for awhile. with all the mental and substance addictions along with some history of health issues, Ihave no idea how you would be considered the black sheep. From what i can tell, you seem to be the only one who has succceed and have the will power to understand you illness.
You have accomplished so much and may be jealous of your personal and professional success.
do you think your sister in law has Narcissitc disorder? Sounds as if she belives she cant do any wrong.
BTW, were u jamming on the guitar.

BTW, you i like your pic

[lonegael]

Vicky, maybe now is not the time, but I love your flaked out cat!

Big big hugs to you, Vickie... Although I just joined last night, I've lurked for quite some time and have seen how very helpful you are to everyone. You very much deserve support. Boo-hiss to the messed up family dynamic. While it would be great to have their support, so often it is not the case. That's why places like this exist (as you obviously know!) -- because people who go through the same/similar things *really* understand how hard it can be. Just lots and lots of hugs... not really sure what else to say atm.
Oh, except that this:

Originally Posted by Vickie in Phoenix

... her halo is bigger than her butt...

is very funny! It's good to see your wit and humor even in the midst of all the troubles. and don't forget it!

Originally Posted by cypher

When my mother tries to subtly tear me down in order to put me back into my proper place in the family, I enjoy withholding anything that she can use to bring me down.

Oh yes, learned this one early. I call it, "not handing them the ammo". Good for you, cypher.

[lynxlover]

Vickie, my sibs & I are bi-po and my parents thinks we're just looking for attention. During one of my sister's manic psychosis attacks my parents called me (I live 50 mi away) at 4am and wanted me to come an "do something with her" and never call them for any reason re: her "crazy head". Well, my sis. was found dead 1 wk after her b-day this past June. During the wake, my mother acted like she'd won the lottery. Still acts that way today. I've heard no more from them. To summarize, somethimes it's better to get these toxic people out of your life. What good things do they add to your life? Are they supportive of you and your bipo? Has any of them ever offered to go to the dr.s with you? or maybe given you a hug and asked you what could they do for you? If the ans is no, why do you want them in your life. When someone really cares for you they're there for you. Stop taking their abuse,
and tell yourself you are going to get help and for goodness sakes stop listening to those ignorant people of yours and make your own life. They're just doing you harm.