[jai-jai]

I just can't seem to feel anything anymore.
I don't know how to react to myself anymore, I feel sick every day, I don't want to get up for anything, not even college, my parents aren't worried at all, they aren't interested in how i'm feeling i've tried to tell them how i feel, show them how i feel, make them see but even the obvious doesn't work.

Nothing makes sense, my head feels like its on a ball spinning and falling at evey given moment, nobody gets it. Being at home is like being in a war zone and i can't cope with it much longer, it's just so unpredictable and scary i don't know what to do, being at college makes me feel so uncomfortable, and i don't really know why, i just don't know where to go to feel safe and comfy.

[perpetuallysad]

jai-jai I'm really sorry that you are having such a hard time. Sounds like you are in a depression. I know that I feel extremely uncomfortable and scared most anywhere besides at home. Its taken me about 14 years to get to where I even feel comfortable at home. When I still lived with my mom I was completely miserable and leaving there was one of the first steps towards me feeling better. Is it possible for you to move into the dorms at uni or something like that? Are you seeing a therapist?

[jai-jai]

Originally Posted by perpetuallysad

jai-jai I'm really sorry that you are having such a hard time. Sounds like you are in a depression. I know that I feel extremely uncomfortable and scared most anywhere besides at home. Its taken me about 14 years to get to where I even feel comfortable at home. When I still lived with my mom I was completely miserable and leaving there was one of the first steps towards me feeling better. Is it possible for you to move into the dorms at uni or something like that? Are you seeing a therapist?

i'm in the UK so college isn't uni, im taking a gap year next year and going to uni in september 2011 if i get in. i'm not seeing a therapist, i want to, but i might try and deal with that while i'm at uni when my parents are out of the equation in the sense that they don't have to know anything. so i just cope by myself.

[perpetuallysad]

Well, you are not totally alone. Please keep talking here at PC. These people are wonderful and their kindness and insight get me through the weeks between therapist visits.

(I'm clueless about the difference between uni and college? Any help?)

[lonegael]

Jai-jai, do they have a counselor or something you can see at your college, or will they have to notify your parents? You sound like you are having such a bad time and although I completely understand not wanting your folks involved, I hate to think of you being all alone with this (except for us, that is)take some hugs (Gives big, warm hugs) and hang in there. Let us know how you're doing.

[jai-jai]

I want to cry ans scream but I just sit there in silence, or...
I don't know how I feel anymore, can I cry anymore? Can I feel
Anymore or am I just numb and broken on the floor

[Innerzone]

jai-jai. I'm so sorry you are feeling like this, but know you are not alone. I could have written that many many times. It's very frustrating and surreal in a sense. And crying? There are long long stretches of time when I was unable to do that. And the total numbness? Oh yes. It does sound like depression of some flavor. Please do look into getting help, because it is so very hard day in day out. And there is help for it, even when it feels like there isn't.
Lots of and thinking of you. Keep us posted, ok?

[lonegael]

((((((Jaijai)))))) Hold on there, hon. Hold on.

[lynxlover]

Talk to us. Everyone on this forum has been thru some major internal war. Nobody can see our scars, I can't even say the word "Mental" around my parents. I do have some great friends who really listen and take an active role in making sure I don't forget to take my meds, remind me of my appts and they remind me to talk to them about anything no matter how weird or strange it may be. It's the same way with this forum. We've all been there, some still fighting the battles that go along with this damn disease. You will find talking, talking and more talking releases some of the pressure in your mind. For me it is writing out my anger, bitterness and strange thoughts down and then burning the letter. Sometimes I'll do it 5 times in a day.
If u don't want a t, at least talk to us or you can email me and we'll write those nasty letters to the bipo demon together.
Big Hug from me and all of my animals.
lynxydale

[Haze-N-Rave]

I am very sorry you are going through this right now and it sounds like you are pretty low. My swings began in college as well and I started at a low point. I used to find refuge in my bed, but when I needed to get up the covers felt more like lead than cotton. So I would stay there, sleep sometimes up to 16 hours. The headaches were excruciating. It always felt like I had to hide and thought if I stayed alone long enough the emptiness would fade away. It doesn't - it gets worse.

The best thing I found to do was get out and do things no matter how terrible I felt. I started doing it alone - I went to the movies usually. It felt like I was out doing something with other people even though I went alone. There was anxiety, even waiting in line at the concession stand, but after a while it started to fade. At first I would watch the movie and have a hard time following it. It was very frustrating. After a few visits though, things slowly started to click and I was following along and forgetting about my negative thoughts. This helped me re-adapt to having a bit more of a social life and I could cope with being around friends and family once again.

It IS uncomfortable. I know it is a challenge, and hard to find any shred of motivation. But it will eventually help, even if it doesn't work the first time, the second, or third, eventually things will click again and some feeling will return. I was told once that the mind is like any other part of the body and it needs a little exercise just like the rest. Baby steps.

[Haze-N-Rave]

It always confused the heck out of my family and even doctor that I wanted to cry, to have the ability to; I wanted it so badly but couldn't do it for a long time. That is what is hard for someone to understand about depression.

Feeling will return, it really will, I swear it will! I went for what seemed like forever desperately wanting to cry and nothing would come out. Reading novels helped bring back some emotion for me (even though it was extremely hard to concentrate on at first). The tears eventually flowed.

I hope this helps, but those feelings will come back! It just takes a little time.

[jai-jai]

i cried for the first time in ages yesterday, this was good, but it then followed with retail therapy spending money that i don't really have, and then the feeling sinks back in.

[lonegael]

(((jaijai)))) Hey, at least the waterworks got going again. try not to beat yourself up too much about the spending. Put the energy into getting it straightened out and don't try to undo what's done by whipping yourself. It just makes it more likely it will happen again because of all the anxiety that gets loaded on the idea. Tough row to hoe, but stay in touch with us, OK? Huggs.