[gravyyy]

ugh... I hate posting new threads. I never post positive new threads... always negative and I hate that. I wouldn't even post but I have to say I am so freaking depressed right now. I knew coming into the winter it would happen, though last winter I was actually just fine for the most part. It's ust I had a period of about 6 months of pretty good stability and I knew it was too good to be true. When I reply to some of your posts on here I try to offer the encouragement I offer to myself, which is keep plugging on and remember that I won't always feel like I feel right now. But darn, guys.... that's bull crap... I feel like S***!!! I try to keep positive, but I'm just done with it. This crap sucks and I don't think I can do this for the rest of my life. Even if this depression passes before something catastrophic happens, it'll be back eventually. I can't do this. Plus I don't have a pdoc right now (appointment in January... long story, previously posted about the pdoc from H*** I just saw). I'm establishing with a new T but, you know, it takes time. I don't really have any other support system in place.

Basically, I know there's nothing anyone can do to take the pain away. No one is going to suddenly make me feel better. I just needed to get this out ad relieve some of the pressue in my brain from having these nasty feelings in there. I just really, really, really want this to be over... Please....

[spiritual_emergency]

gravyyy: Basically, I know there's nothing anyone can do to take the pain away. No one is going to suddenly make me feel better. I just needed to get this out ad relieve some of the pressue in my brain from having these nasty feelings in there. I just really, really, really want this to be over...

Sometimes there is nothing to do but to get through whatever it is you're going through. My own pain levels are way down from where they once were but something I found very helpful during those times when there was really nothing to do but endure was tonglen practice.

Tonglen practice is a form of meditation -- it's not terribly complicated and neither is it overtly spiritual or religious in any way. Over the years I have often recommended it to others as a form of pain relief and I still make use of the practice if I am going through an especially difficult time. I've drawn different things from the practice over the years but initially, the best thing it helped me with was to take me out of my sense of being alone with whatever pain or despair I was in at that time.

Should you be interested in exploring it as a possible tool for yourself, you can find two links in my signature related to tonglen practice. I recommend you start with the Spirit of Tonglen and if that's helpful to you, read more about the Practice of Tonglen.

~ Namaste

[lonegael]

((((((Gravvy)))))))) You don't have to live the rest of your life right now, hon. All you do is have to manage life one heartbeat at a time. i know that sounds trite, but i mean it. sometimes there is not a lot of options left and the only way to deal with the pain is deal with it until it fades. It's just there. It will go.
let tomorrow take care of it'self. Today I am sending you HUGGGGSSSSS and a hand to hold in the darkness cause I have been tottering on the edge there too. Hang on.

[1963.Susan]

((((((((((((((gravyyy))))))))))))))))))))))
i know what you mean about writing only negative posts - i feel like i do the same thing. but when we're down & negative is when we need the most help.
just one day at a time, not a whole lifetime.
or even one hour at a time, not a whole day.
or just give minutes at a time........... anybody can get through five minutes........
we're here with you

[perpetuallysad]

awww gravyyy, you are always so kind and helpful to me and others when you post, I wish I had some similarly good advice for you. I don't. Mostly I can relate. I understand getting tired of the repetition of this stupid bipolar thing. Up and down, up and down. I cannot remember a regular, level time in my life, its always high or low. I know you have it hard right now with moving and all the changes with doc and t, I wish I could just give you a hug and let you ***** as much as you want. Sometimes just having someone listen is the best medicine. Also, don't worry about starting negative posts, it is hard to start new threads, but its good you are reaching out. I'm listening...

[lonegael]

How is it today, Gravvy?

[gravyyy]

thanks everyone for your encouragement...

I'm hanging in, thanks lonegael. Last night was bad... bad urges to SI actually which tends to happen when I'm pretty far down. I laid on the couch fighting the urge for a couple hours and when that didnt work, I sent a text to my best friend in the whole world and asked her to tell me a story! LOL... she texted back with some story about poo and it was just bizarre and struck me as really funny and kinda snapped my brain out of the total focus on hurting myself. I am still so depressed but able to get out of the house today to get drug screening and fingerprinting done for my new job.... exhausted now tho... dont know how working next week is going to go if I cant even get out for an hour without feeling wiped out!!! Oh well... one foot in front of the other i suppose. thanks again... this sucks!

[perpetuallysad]

I feel like you are so much braver than I am gravyy. You have so much more, I don't know a better word, courage than me. I want to work so badly, but I get so ****ed up just imagining working again that I start having panic attacks at my house, with no threat of even having to work...anyway, its awesome the way you are so good at taking care of yourself.

[gravyyy]

What you wrote perpetuallysad is really, really nice but I am not braver or more corageous than you are. We all suffer in such different ways, and we all have different ways to cope. When I go to work I am able to put aside a lot of what bothers me day in and day out. I feel useless unless I am working, so for me work is part of my treatment plan essentially. Just because you can't work right now doesn't mean you'll never again work. It also doesn't mean you're a coward. You are alive and contribute on here with great comments and words of encouragement and that's invaluable to the people to whom you respond. I always appreciate the comments you make not just to my threads but to others as well. I'm always looking for PS's comments! I love them! So again, I appreciate your comments about me being brave but I hope you're not selling yourself short. You're a great person and an asset to the PC community. We are all brave in surviving each day with whatever mental ilness(es) we have. Thanks so much for being around here Perpetuallysad!!!!!

[dj586858]

gravyyy,

I am so sorry you are suffering in the darkness right now. I too have had to just get through the next 10 minutes trying to remember to stop holding my breath. But no matter how hopeless it seems, don't ever give up trying to find the right doc and the right meds and talking to those who know your "secrets" (us) and have your back (us again). We get you.