[RLW1974]

Sometimes when I am going through a rough patch, I start to feel anger towards both my Mom and Dad re: my mental illnesses (Bipolar 1, anxiety, and OCD (mostly in the form of intrusive thoughts). Yes, I believe even if I had a great childhood, I would still have mental issues, but probably milder and less life debilitating mental problems.

You see, it is well documented that most experts believe that both biological and early childhood experiences play a role in mental illness. No one knows how much each plays, but still no matter what percentage, childhood upbringing is believed to have a role. And I believe it does to some extent. I have been in enough mental hospitals and heard it from enough workers there who have stated that most people who walk through their doors have had some type of childhood abuse.

As for me, my parents seperated when I was 1 and a half years old. Divorced when I was 3. My mother re-married a very mean, emotionally and mentally abusive man when I was 5 and I had to grow up scared under his rule till I went off to college. He was, to put it lightly, a complete jerk and a very mean person. Reasons for why I couldn't live with my Dad I won't go into. But also I would like to mention that all my siblings have some degree of mental issues, but me being the youngest and me bearing the brunt of the effects of my parent's divorce, I beleive, has led me to have by far the worst mental problems among us siblings.

So, all and all, I have a lot anger towards my father for his actions in leaving my Mom. I have less anger though still somewhat substantial, towards my Mom for subjecting me (and herself) to such an abusive bastard.

And the bottom-line is that I have done a lot of therapeutic work in this area, yet still the anger remains towards my parents, especially towards my Dad. It's like if he wasn't so damn selfish, and started the chain reaction which brought my step-father into the picture, I wouldn't have had a life where I fight so much for an "OK" existence and to stay out of hospitals. So I ask, my fellow sufferers here, how have you coped with similar anger issues. Especially towards those of a parent whom you also dearly love and want to be in each other's lives.

Sorry about ranting so much. Thank you.

[phoenix47baby]

Hope you are feeling better--------

[lonegael]

Yep, abuse issues are overrepresented in our population. Partly, though, I think, because some of us started presenting symptoms as children and manicky kids are VERY provoking if you are an adult with authority issues. Also, I have read studies where there has been a suggestion that people with a prediliction for bipolar will develop it when put under the right stress (or, too much stress), so a mixed genetic, environmental cauldrone of causes lies behind it.
My parents didn't handle my situation well. They didn't act, fudged, blamed me for it, then tried to take on the school officíals at last only to have the teachers turn on me. (in some cases). But then I think what they were dealing with at the same time. My father was just starting down the road to sobriety. I don't hink he was able to see straight for a bout two years until he had recovered enough to stop craving. My mom had thyroid problems, low grade depression, and a son who was isolating himself more and more. That I was having the stuffing beaten out of me at school almost every day was not something they really tolerated, but they really weren't where they could deal with it, or teach me to.
I don't know your folks, but I know that learning about htis disorder is a double edged sword. Yeah, there is a righteousness in anger, but resentment can eat at you too, and stress you inside. That's not good for symptoms. I was pretty angry too, but now I kind of had to see that in their case, my folks were trying. It's just that the only way they could solve some problems meant that some things got worse for a while before they got better. MY school situation was one. Hope you can find a way to heal and continue your path from here. HUggs, dear. fight on.

[mlpHolmes]

Dear RLW1974,

Your Childhood was certainly a sad & a difficult one. The anger and resentment only seem to fester & grow internally. You have had enough pain & anguish IMO.
I understand your past, as you told it. It happened it was bad I agree.
It cannot & will not come back no matter what. Perhaps it's time for you to Let It Go.

Let Go of vengeance, useless anger and righteousness that hurts you & doesn't work.

Let Go of your emotional suffering. You have a beautiful, exciting life ahead of you.

Your past is not your destiny,
Holmes
Chat Leader
Moderator

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello RLW,
My own area of knowledge leans far more towards schizophrenia and psychosis. In that population, I've also noted and commented on the role of trauma as an environmental contributer. It's not a popular opinion but like you, I've spoken with far too many individuals who carry a diagnosis who also have a history of some form of abuse or trauma. In defense of good parents however I'm also obliged to note that the vast majority of individuals I've spoken with who experienced psychosis, there was nearly always an event or series of events that preceded their break and in many cases, this had absolutely nothing to do with the parent-child relationship.

My own birth father was also very abusive. Fortunately, I had a very loving mother who did her best to protect us from him; this included leaving him while I was still very young. In truth, her loving actions played a significant role in my own break -- when she died, the world suddenly became a frightening place for me. This was because I had been so young when those events occurred (too young to emotionally process them) and also because I'd never had to deal with the trauma of my birth father as long as my mother -- the protector -- was present in my world.

In the aftermath of my break I did some rage and I did some very intense grief. I think that often the role of anger is to protect us from the pain of feeling the grief for what was lost in those moments of trauma or abuse.

And the bottom-line is that I have done a lot of therapeutic work in this area, yet still the anger remains towards my parents, especially towards my Dad. It's like if he wasn't so damn selfish, and started the chain reaction which brought my step-father into the picture, I wouldn't have had a life where I fight so much for an "OK" existence and to stay out of hospitals. So I ask, my fellow sufferers here, how have you coped with similar anger issues. Especially towards those of a parent whom you also dearly love and want to be in each other's lives.

It's worth noting that my own mother was not pristinely perfect -- sometimes she spanked us too harshly, sometimes she made mistakes. She did love us though and I found that knowing about her background and her childhood made it very easy for me to move into forgiveness. In many ways, her own life was far more difficult than mine has ever been and I trust that whatever the moment required of her, she was doing the best she was capable of at that time. I also appreciate (very much) that my mother taught me about authenticity -- her imperfections allowed me to more easily accept my own. After all, none of us are going to be perfect, whether it's as parents, children, or something else but some of us may be guilty of expecting perfection from ourselves or others.

In terms of my birth father -- I can't say I've forgiven him his actions. I've accepted that they happened and I've released myself from being controlled by those events. I'm sure it helps that he hasn't been a part of our lives since I was just a child.

Meantime, here's an article excerpt I often drew strength from when I was working through my own rage and grief: The Boundaries of Rage and Forgiveness

[mlpHolmes]

Have you read Miguel Don Ruiz Book The Four Agreements? quite Excellent (must have bk). As is his perspective on forgiveness.
Suggests we forgive others so that we are not hurt & feel horrible pain everytime we see them. Also Unforgiveness = You drinking the lethal poison hoping the offender will die.

Strongly Recommended practicing to Let It Go, not easy, but guaranteed by Letting It Go you'll be happier living more in the present moment rather than in past, replaying it over & over & over.

Holmes
Chat Leader
Moderator

[spiritual_emergency]

mlpHolmes: Suggests we forgive others so that we are not hurt & feel horrible pain everytime we see them. Also Unforgiveness = You drinking the lethal poison hoping the offender will die.

The difficulty with forgiveness is it cannot be imposed. People do not forgive until, and only if, they are ready to forgive. In some cases, people do not forgive because to them, forgiveness is the equivalent of saying, "Whatever you did was okay," and they simply can't accept that. Their lack of forgiveness is their way of honoring the pain or loss that was. Sometimes people can struggle as well with the thought that they should forgive and their inability to do so reflects on their character or even, quality of spirit if they are not able to do so. In these instances, the concept of forgiveness becomes a burden as opposed to a blessing.

However, many of us can see the value in letting go as a means of self-preservation. In a manner of speaking this becomes a gift we give ourselves because we're no longer willing to punish ourselves for what occurred in our past. Or, as you say, drinking that old poison. Nonetheless, letting go doesn't happen until people are ready for that too. It can be a long and slow process.

Strongly Recommended practicing to Let It Go, not easy, guartantee you'll be happier living more in the present moment rather than in past, replaying it over & over & over.

Sometimes the fact that we are replaying something over (if only in our minds) can also be an indicator to us that we're not in good space. If we change the space (physically or psychologically), we may find our thoughts follow suit. If this is the case, the practice of letting go will include recognizing when we're going to that space in our minds and finding a means of shifting. This should not be mistaken with repressing; rather, we willingly shift after we have done our work in processing our own emotions related to events or people associated with them. In this way, shifting becomes a form of self-loving action.

See also: The Forgiveness Project

[lonegael]

Spiritualemergency, thank you for the great posts. You and I shar the same opinion by and large n this one. There is another book on forgiveness my a man call Louis Smedes called Forgive and Forget (not the title he chose, by the way, Forget doesn't feature large in his tale) which takes the same view that forgiveness cannot be imposed, but from a more mainline religious framework. Still he is clear that the timefram is very different, and the situations very different between people. There is not one way works for everyone.
Also, understanding the situation behid actions or lack of actions goes a long way to helping one forgive. Not always, but very often. My mother had a mother who was abusive, and I think she had a hard time facing bullies for that reason. In her book being a proper woman meant weeping sweetly until someone took pity on you and rescued you. it certainly did not mean fighting your own battles, which I had brought home to me many times. But then, that was her generation, and her way of handling her mom. I can see that now, and although it still makes me mad, I don't hate her for it. Huggs all.

[ilazria]

Originally Posted by spiritual_emergency

It's worth noting that my own mother was not pristinely perfect -- sometimes she spanked us too harshly, sometimes she made mistakes. She did love us though and I found that knowing about her background and her childhood made it very easy for me to move into forgiveness. In many ways, her own life was far more difficult than mine has ever been and I trust that whatever the moment required of her, she was doing the best she was capable of at that time. I also appreciate (very much) that my mother taught me about authenticity -- her imperfections allowed me to more easily accept my own. After all, none of us are going to be perfect, whether it's as parents, children, or something else but some of us may be guilty of expecting perfection from ourselves or others.

I can only hope my children will grow up to feel the same way about me as you feel about your mother. One of the worst things for me is how my mood swings and some of the mood side effects cause me to act with my children. Currently my irritability is very high, and I am quick to snap and yell. It reminds me far too much of my dad, who was always very volitile. While he was never really physically abusive, he was easily angered, sometimes for the most ridiculous of things, and now I'm acting just like him. Once I got married and moved out, our relationship improved immensely, but as a child I hated him to the point where I wished my parents would divorce or that he would just die. I'm terrified that my children will feel the same way about me, but no matter how hard I try, my patience level is so thin at times. That compounds the problem, as I am not ALWAYS temperamental. Sometimes I'm fine, and easy going. How awful must it be for my kids, to never know if mommy is in ***** mode or not?

[spiritual_emergency]

It's a bit of a spin in a different direction, isn't it -- from the perspective of child to parent and then, parent to child.

I do look back upon my own experiences with regret for how it impacted my husband and children. I recall, for instance, that at the peak of the worst period, my home looked like a crazy cat lady lived there except I had no cats. In my own way, I really was struggling to do the best I was capable of but I have to accept that my best fell far short of what my children needed and deserved to have from me. I think they have forgiven me my failings; I've certainly struggled to forgive myself. Like you, I hope that when they judge me as a parent or mother, they will look at the entirety of who I was and what I was trying to deal with on my own.

Meantime, it's several years later and certainly, my struggle to move beyond that space had a very great deal with my desire to be the best parent I was capable of being. As my own mother had been to me.

~ Namaste

Music of the Hour:

[wiprwill]

Hope every thing is getting better. You will be in our prayers