OK, I hope I am not being annoying - More husband trouble

I can't trust the man.

It's just little things, but it pisses me off. I caught him in a lie about taking the dog out at night. He didn't want to take the dog out before bed tonight and he said, "He's gone many a night without going out." Usually I am asleep when he takes the dog out and when he comes to bed, I say, "Did you take the dog out?" He says that he did and I ask why I didn't hear the door. He tells me that he closed it quietly.

First of all, he never does anything quietly. So I have teased him in the past about telling a lie and if he is that I hope the dog chooses his side of the bed to pee.

Tonight, I said, "Aha! I knew you weren't taking him out!" After a bit of defensiveness, he said, "Well, it's just easier to tell you I took him out than have an argument about it."

I have suspected little lies so that he doesn't have to deal with reactions to things. he has asked me to lie to his parents before so they don't give him trouble about things, I get calls from the mortgage company, etc. even when he says that he paid. (He will not give up the check book so that I can do the bills. He has said that he will leave it home and when I go looking for it and call him, he says that he forgot and left it in his coat pocket.)

So what I want to know, is what else is he lying about? I wonder if there are big things that he is hiding from me.

So what is this thread doing on a bipolar support forum?

I am triggered and somewhat paranoid, so that doesn't help.

I am so totally at the end of my rope and at the moment he is at the heart of my bipolar paranoia.

ETA: And he went to bed angry at me.

Maybe I'm paranoid as well, but I'm with you on wondering if someone lies about the little things, what big things are they lying about. I think things like what you mentioned (about asking you to lie, lying about taking the dog out, etc.) would make someone without bipolar paranoid.

I wish I had some advice, but I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. Let me know if you need me to round up a posse.

God, I hate being paranoid. It is one of the worst feelings in the entire world. I know a very few times, early in our relationship, my then boyfriend (now husband) lied about absolutely stupid things and his sweet dumb *** didn't do a good job of covering his lies. Regardless of the innocence of the lie, it hurt me terribly and really, really made me question what I could trust and what else he may lie about. Thankfully for us, we have worked this out. To be honest, there are some things I cannot handle dealing with-like the bills-so he takes care of this completely. I have a general idea of how much money is available for me to spend on groceries or whatever and I just sort of check with him to make sure the money's there when I need to spend it. I know this may sound very childish, but money issues are extremely hard for me and I end up avoiding everything. I got to where I wasn't paying bills even though I had plenty of money to do so out of some weird sort of hoarding behavior. Anyway, I digress. So, now my husband doesn't lie (I freaking hope! now I am starting to think about it and it makes me wonder...) and I don't handle the bills anymore.
Ok, back to you, sorry that I did that little tangent there. I don't do lies. I am not good at them, I end up making an *** out of myself. Etc. there has been a time in my life when out of a desire to have some secrecy I did lie about things, nothing that effected other people, but things maybe I was doing and people would ask me about (wow, that is really hard for me to admit). But in general I don't lie. Lying about whether he takes the dog out and considering that he apparently habitually lies about that would drive me straight up the wall. I can tell you right now I would probably have a break down if that happened. I know that even though it seems like a simple lie, I'm just like you and I would want to know what else does he lie about because its easier? Oh woman, I really hate that your H is doing all of this to you right now. I know this response may have been more triggery than helpful, but I am just telling you what I honestly feel about this all. I am so freaking sorry he's acting like this right now.

For one thing, though, if I were you, I would start making sure the dog went out before I went to bed. If he cannot be trusted to do it, its not fair to the dog to have to wait that long! Ug! Well, maybe the dog could pee on his shoes or something first?!

I'll definitely take care of the dog at night from now on.

I am just so sick of what is going on in my house. It seems like everything he does is pissing me off lately. Or, more accurately, I am pissed off and projecting onto his behaviors.

Lying is a big deal to me. If I can't trust someone, I don't want to be around them. I find it toxic.

If we didn't have kids, I think the relationship would have been over quickly after our problems started. Granted, I was seeing everything through an unmedicated bipolar lens. My older son has already been through a divoorce when he was a baby an only gets to see his dad every couple of weeks. I couldn't do that to him again. He loves my husband like a dad. I couldn't do it to my younger son who is all about Daddy, and honestly, I couldn't do it to my husband who would not only be devestated at the prospect of losing his kids, but who would also fight for custody.

So I am stuck feeling unsafe. (Not in a physical way, and I don't mean to diminish what anyone goes through in an abusive relationship)

I have talked about this stuff with him before in a calm and understanding way. The last time I caught him in a small lie, I told him that I appreciate honesty and although we might argue a little at the time, it is healthier and won't damage the relationship. In fact, I have said this to him several times after catching him in a lie.

It's almost like he can't help it and learned it to survive in his childhood. (His dad is ultra-controlling) I ahve told him that I am not his Dad and I will not go for the jugular when he wants or doesn't want to do something. We may have a discussion or a disagreement, but I won't claw his eyes out.

But, lying makes me want to claw his eyes out and walk out the door. Sick of it.

Sorry for such a long post.

It's really very hard to try to make progress with yourself when you don't feel safe. I hope you two can figure things out.

One theing that bothers me is that he throws out a pioson (word) arrow and then goes to bed. End of discussion. I stand here bleeding.

I tend to be a bit dramatic when I write. I like metaphors.

Writing is therapeutic. Metaphor away.

Hmmmm, do you guys do alot of nagging at each other? Not to be unsupportive, more just to calm you, I used to lie about stupid things to my mom just because I felt that to do so was the only way to keep part of myself to myself. See, she is a compulsive nagger. Now, I am generally a person who is pretty honest, ESP about big things. But there is just something about feeling controlled that sets me off. It doens't even have to be something thatis really "control" oriented.
If he is afraid that you will get mad if he tells the truth, he might lie. I kind of doubt from earlier stuff you said, that you need to worry further than the dog's pissing on/pissing off/ getting pissed Sounds kind of damp over ther, in fact!
It's just my ten cents, hon, so kick me if I'm wrong, and huggs anyway.

I don't think I nag, but maybe I do...

I think that because of his upbringing (being yelled at all the time) and living at home until he and I moved in together (in his early 30's) he just expects to be yelled at all the time.

I was up until 4 a.m. (with Seroquel) so I am happy that I will see p-doc tomorrow. Overnight, I decided that I am going to stop asking him for anything, and at the same time not overcompensate for him. That is impossible anyway considering I can't even compensate for myself right now. Hopefully when there is dog pee all over the place and the bills don't get paid and we get into financial trouble (again) he will see how important my remiders are. It's passive aggressive, I know, but I have tried everything else and it isn't working. I have to let it go and let the chips fall where they may and work on my own recovery.

Last year when things were getting bad like this I had a mantra (an unhealthy one) that I think I need to go back to. It was, "You live your life and I will live mine." I have to go back to that with a new meaning. I used to use it to hurt myself and tell myself how horrible things were. Now I will assign a meaning along the lines of, "I can't control you so I won't try. I can only control myself."

Anyway, I will probably call my T when my youngest goes for a nap. Or maybe I will just get some sleep.

NO, it's not passive agressive, it's letting him take the consequenses of what he isn't doing. I'd warn him first, and then carry through if he keeps going. Sometimes it just be that way... Stock up on bleach for the dog smell, though.... Huggs.

I hace scent-killing urine remover for hardwood floors..

Good show! we have pine, lye bleached, so vbleach isn't too bad.... Huggs

I don't want to be non-supportive either. However, I can tell you from being a former liar myself.......that it was in response to my alcoholic mother who became super critical when she was drunk and when she was not drunk, she was a perfectionist. (Maybe that's one reason she drank? I dunno.) Anyway, it was easier to lie about inconsequential things and "clean up the damage" later than to start a row by telling the truth and never hear the end of it plus the insults that would inevitably come with it. We were taught to tell the truth and for the most part, on really big things, we did. But when it came to things like "did you take the dog out", for example, we'd say yes and then wait until she passed out and then take the dog out. See what I mean? We were kids and constantly being bombarded with criticism. It became a means of survival and a little peace. Then later, it became a habit. I had to consciously teach myself to not do it anymore because after leaving my parents' home, I had no reason to do it anymore. There was no threat anymore.

I totally get that. He lived with a total perfectionist father who would yell his head off if things weren't just so. I talked to my husband and told him that I understand that and that my moods being so volatile all the time probably brings his memory back to hai father's yelling.

I told him that I am working hard to stabilize my moods and that I am not his father so I need help. I don't care if things aren't done perfectly. I just want to get better. Asking for things to be done is juse either a reminder, or just curiosity so that I can do it myself if it needs to be done and is something I can do. Also, I just want to avoid consequences of things that I can't do, so I ask if they have been taken care of.

I asked him if he would talk with our therapist at the next couple's session and be willing to get help with the lying. He said yes.

I just want to rebuild trust with him. I need to feel safe in our relationship. It's such a trigger when I don't feel safe.

Yeah! Maybe I won't kick him after all (I still sorta wish the dog would pee on him...). I am so glad to hear this positive step. Maybe him joining you in therapy is the thing you both need the most!? Yeah again. I am really optimistic about this.

Great, BNLsMOM and BNLsDAD. I'm rooting for ya both! That's a big step. Good luck and HUGGGGGGSS!