Daughter deserted me!

Hello Friends, My daughter and I used to be so close, we talked everyday.
She is a special person, but for some reason she can't handle my bipolar diagonis, and my mistakes while in mania. We do talk some, but she is very distant. I haven't seen my grandchildren in 3 weeks. I am devasted at how she is acting. Any advice? Is she ashamed of me?
Helpless and Depressed

Maybe she is just confused. I think a lot of people have the wrong idea about mental illness in general and a lot of people seem to think that people who are schizophrenic and bipolar are the "really crazy ones". Perhaps she is just really misinformed and afraid. I would try talking to her. Maybe give her a book about dealing with people with mental illness, something that acknowledges that you realize this will be hard for her too (I know it is hard for you) and that you want her to better understand you so that you don't lose your relationship.

OR it could be really random and maybe she has coincidentally just been really busy lately.

I hope things work out with you two.

I am sorry to hear that you feel like someone close to you is having a hard time coming to terms with your illness. I can, when I look at it from the outside, understand how hard I am to be around and love when I am particularly unbalanced. Most likely she just needs some time. Maybe you can refer her to NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) support groups for people who have family members with mental illness. It puts her in touch with other people who have loved ones with mental health problems and they may be able to give her better insight into Bi-Polar Disorder and what to expect from someone with Bi-Polar Disorder. If you need someone to talk to while she is coming to terms with your illness please reach here or with a professional to be safe. Thank you coming here. It makes us all feel better to know there are others with similar issues.

My mom has bipolar disorder, and sometimes it can be very complicated. I don't know if this is the case with you, but when my mom is manic, she can say and do things that hurt. I know she can't help it, but it's hard not to take it personally, especially because it is my mother. I mean there's what I know, and then there's what I feel and sometimes, as much as I so desparately want them to be, they aren't exactly in synch you know? I work hard to reconcile my rational mind with my emotional one.

I'm certainly not ashamed of my mother, in fact, I have infinite empathy for the pain she must endure with her illness. I can't tell you the times I wished I had a magic wand and just take it away from her. However, there are times that I also have to tend to my wounds, process the hurt, and work through the guilt that I may have triggered an episode (even though I know I can't).

My advice would be to give her some space, and let her work it out. Mental illness can't undo Love and this Love will likely bring her back to you. It did between me and my mother.

One thing that I always wished that my mother would do would be to acknowledge that it can be hard on me too, and that she loves me and respects where I am.

I've never expressed that wish to her, because I worry that might add to her burden of illness and then feel guilty about that too, but, if you feel that is something you can do, it might be something invaluable you can offer to your daughter.

I know extacly how you feel. I am going through a really hard time right now and my daughter knows and chooses to keep her distance. How she copes is to stay away from me so she doesn't get sucked into my depressed or manic states. I have 2 grandchildren, and it is hard thinking that I will not see them again. When times passes, I always get to talk to my grandhildren. Sometimes it feels like she is punishing me by not being around, especially when I tell her I am going through a difficult time. After reading the post of the daughter, I don't feel as bad. My daughter also says that she gets hurt by me when I am in an episode, so she needs her space. She doesn't want to get hurt by the things I might say, eventhough I apologize later. It is very hard on our children, and I think we expect more empathy from them as they get older. I have no idea, but maybe we see our children maturing in other areas of their lives, so we think they should be mature enough to listen to us. I find it very hurtful when she pulls away. I do think she is being cruel, but at the same time I don't know what it feels like on her side of the fence.

I feel the same way as my wife left me and I think I have bipolar and I'm just waiting on a diagnosis and then most likely the divorce papers after that...

If I may chime in one more time, there are a couple of things in your post that my mom and I have worked out together that may apply to your situation.

First, when I take some time for myself, it is not about punishing my mom at all. Oh my goodness no! I actually miss my mom a lot! I highly doubt that your daughter is being punitive either. It's about me and taking care of my needs so I can come "home" so to speak.

There has to be room for you both to do the work needed to maintain the relationship. I totally understand how and why you think she is being cruel. For my mom, it felt as though I was pulling away just when she needed me the most. However, through lots and lots of talking and listening on both of our parts, we realized that her needs and my needs are not as at odds as it may seem. It's about long-term, sustainability of a relationship that is good for both of us. We had to stop "butting heads" and start working together.

One specific thing that my mom and I really had to work on was my role in the relationship. My mom expected me to be her therapist, her best friend, and her caregiver (making sure she ate, took her meds etc...). Anything less meant that I didn't love her, causing me tremendous guilt. When I laid it all out for her she said "wow, that's a lot - I'm sorry". I, too, apologized for not being able to be everything she needed.

Over time, we worked out solutions (actually getting her into psychotherapy, letting her assume responsibility for taking her meds and creating an environment where she felt empowered to help herself). I'll gladly be her best friend, listen to her when she is down and when I can't be with her, I send her care baskets! I also had to realize that when she is down, I can't fix her (gulp). I can not take her pain away (double gulp). That let me let go of some of the frustration and guilt. It actually gave me much more freedom to love her.

Our expectations of each other are much more comfortable now for us both I think. It's not perfect and we both let each other down sometimes, but it's working.

As I said before, love can not be erased by mental illness, it can be challenged, but never ever broken. Love will bring you two back together.

Hello, I am the mother of a 16 year old boy who I raised since he was 14 and at that age, he decided to move to another state to live with his father and two half-siblings to attend high school. He has known since he was old enough to understand such things that I have bipolar illness and that sometimes if affects the way he and I interact. I have tried to limit and stay ahead of those affects but it is very difficult, as both of you know.

Since he moved, I have missed him terribly. It was a decision we worked on for almost two years and he is very happy with it. I still struggle with it. I had him at age 41. I was not supposed to be able to have children due to severe endometriosis but he was a welcome surprise late in life.

I often wonder how much my illness affected our relationship and being the age that he was, I'm not sure he had the words to explain it to me even if he knew.

I only wanted to tell you that I think that this thread is one of the best I have ever read here on PsychCentral, at least is has helped me very much in understanding how a parent's mental illness impacts a child and how both the child and the parent feel about the illness and it's effect upon the relationship they share. It was honest and tender in revealing the realities associated with the illness.

Thank you so much for writing it.

There could be a few reasons on why she decides to be sort of distant. I am thinking maybe she feels sort of worried or stressed out about your situation and there are certain ways that people act to try and "make things better". She probably sees you as somewhat as a stressor and her way of coping is maybe to not think about you. I would just give her and yourself a little room to breathe at the time. Hopefully everything just kind of gets better for you and her. Also, she could also be looking out for what's best for her kids. She might think that your behavior could influence the kids in the wrong way. I hope everything works out for you.

I wish I had some advice for you. I'm wondering when to discuss this with my kids, although I think my 11 year old knows that something is off, but I just don't know how to broach it. My thoughts are with you and hopefully your daughter is just taking time to assimilate things.

My husband and I are both bipolar, and two of our sons have been in therapy. We are really trying to work on being straight with each other. Recognizing signs in each other when there seems to be a problem coming on, etc. Have you two really sat down and talked about it? You'd have to be willing to listen and not get defensive. Just a thought.

Thanks to all of you wonderful people. I have talked to my daughter, and we have discussed my concerns and hers. She says she feels like I am not the person I used to be that she has lost me, and I too think I have lost myself. I know through communication we will work through all this. I'm giving her some space.

elliemay: One specific thing that my mom and I really had to work on was my role in the relationship. My mom expected me to be her therapist, her best friend, and her caregiver (making sure she ate, took her meds etc...). Anything less meant that I didn't love her, causing me tremendous guilt. When I laid it all out for her she said "wow, that's a lot - I'm sorry". I, too, apologized for not being able to be everything she needed.

Excellent points, elliemay. I have a child who's been diagnosed bipolar/schizoaffective and I've also experienced psychosis myself so I've seen this situation from both sides. In terms of my own child, I've wished I could address their every need but I am only one person and sometimes my needs and theirs are in opposition to each other. This is why I say that individuals in crisis and caregivers need to develop their own support teams for themselves. I define a support team as being comprised of all of the following: Professionals; Family & Friends; Peers, and Mentors.

In terms of my own experience of being in crisis, I did find that my own expectations were quite high of my family in terms of expecting their understanding but it's very difficult to understand an experience you haven't had. I later found that peers could often offer my best forms of supportive understanding and acceptance. In turn, this reduced the expectation I had of my family members and eased some of the tension in our relationship.

Imfalling, I would suggest you reach out to peers for some support but also initiate a conversation with your daughter to keep that relationship healthy and constant. Here's an article I found regarding communication among family members that might have some good ideas for you. It's written for families who work together in a family business but the points seem relevant to your situation as well.

If discussions in the past have quickly become painful or volatile, it might help to work through some of your emotions with peers or a professional before you attempt to initiate another discussion with your daughter. In the interim, perhaps take a lesson from the article above and switch focus from the subject that is painful (probably to both of you) to one you can both draw mutual enjoyment from. That way, you're still maintaining closeness and contact.

I'm glad that talking to each other has helped to calm the situation down. It is so hard when MI enters the relationship, because it really can become the elephant in the room. My mom has never really known what ot do with me since my dianosis. It is a situation that can be very frustrating and hurtful, even though I know she loves me. It just pushes too many of her buttons. Huggs, and I hope she can find you again in this new situation.

Good luck, imfalling. Working to find yourself is one of the keys to a better relationship with your daughter.

Good luck.