[Locust]

I am trying to discern if I have dysthymia, cyclothymia, or borderline personality disorder. First a quick (paragraph or two) review of my mental health issues besides the hypomania.

I used to have OCD and ORS, but now just have tendancies. I had OCD symptoms as a child and they got a lot worse when I was about 10 or 11, and died down some just to come back when I was around 12 or 13, and they stayed bad throughout highschool and died down in my early to mid 20's, so now I just have tendancies. I've dealt with anxiety, panic attacks, and depression to some degree and in some form since I was a child. I have not had actual panic disorder, though, and my anxiety is more than normal, I think, but I wouldn't say severe. I also hyperventilated as a child when stressed and crying, and I did it some when nervous as a teen, but have not done that in awhile. The panic attacks seemed to decrease as I aged, being more frequent in gradeschool and highschool than in adulthood. I had a few after my ex broke up with me when I was in my early 20's, and while trying a new medication for anxiety and depression. I am uncertain if the medication was related to the attacks. Also, about a year and a half ago to a year ago, I started experiencing night time panic attacks. These were not simply panic attacks occuring at night, but panic attacks occuring in my sleep (can't recall dreaming) and while dozing off (no time to dream), as well as while waiting for sleep. Often they occured with no prior thought to anything negative, or no thought at all, but it always left me thinking of dying and existentialist things. I believe I've had major depression a time or two, but not currently, and I have also had a therapist suggest I have dysthymia (chronic mild to moderate depression). I used to have anger management problems, but they are much better. They improved a lot just a few years ago. I also self harmed when the anger was bad. I dissociate some, but not severely and not frequently- rarely, actually, and usually due to stress. I also had emotional blunting issues, rare somatic experiences, and other small or rare symtoms. And I binge drank. Oh and was dx with adjustment disorder.

So now, for the hypomania or possible hypomania. Back when I was a teenager, I think, though perhaps not until my late teens....I started having these occassional, but VERY rare moments when I'd experience what I've heard is called luminosity. Everything looked more beautiful somehow. During these times, I also felt more in the moment, I felt happier, and I felt more optimistic. I felt that somehow, everything was going to be okay in the end. I also felt better about myself. I normally thought ill of myself, and felt guilty, but suddenly, I'd forgive myself, feel I was a diff. person and I was CLEAN. Like I'd been saved. I'd also be more motivated, but it usually dissipated quickly. I'm never really hyper, but I seemed to have more energy. I didn't think too much of it, since it happened SO rarely. Months, and prob. years could pass in between and it didn't last long at all. Sometimes only a day. I'd also ocassionally have times when I was more restless.

Then, a few years ago, I got really ill with a disease that can cause neurological issues, but I quickly went into remission. During that time, other things were going on, as well, and I became depressed- possibly, severely so. My grandmother passed away and I remember thinking death wasn't real. It was a sudden thought, and I knew it was insane. Anyway, when I went to the hospital, while I was usually irritable when upset, I was joking and laughing most of the time, as though in denial. I also felt this way when let out of the hospital, though everything was going badly, other than recovering. I realized it was odd behavior for me, but dismissed it as being in denial about the bad things, or being relieved to be released. After I broke up with my bf a few years later- well, he left me- I became very cold, closed off, and depressed. I was diagnosed with dysthymia, finally, as I explained yet again that I rarely went long without some sort of depressive feelings. It was also during this time that I re-explored my thoughts about having borderline personality disorder. I have about 8 out of the 9 symptoms, but I wasn't sure if the severity of most of them was enough to count as a disorder. Also, once after we broke up, I suddenly felt okay, and I thought it was amazing to feel love for this man, even if he didn't love me, but then I went back into depression.

Well, I got happier for awhile, 2 or 3 years ago. It was a normal happy, I guess (something I don't know if I've felt since childhood, if then), though I seemed to be seeing everything as very beautiful- it was genuinely beautiful, anyway, but this felt like luminosity, where everything is more beautiful than usual and I am more focused and in the moment but there are other explanations for that and it might be normal. I also became very focused on syncrhronicity, but I am a spiritual person and believe in psychic abilities. Yet, a little over a year ago, I had an interesting situation in which, I felt more creative than usual. I also felt like my visualization had significantly increased. I remember one moment of suddenly having a piece of recent memory come to me with detail out of nowhere, it seemed. Stories unfolded in my head like when I was a kid, I thought my memory was better, and I at least perceived myself to be more articulate. I had felt more motivated, but then I ended up not doing what I'd planned on doing originally, and I had a bad drinking experience, seemed to lose my new spark, and went into a bit of a depression for a little while there. During the depression, there was one night when I felt my thoughts might be racing while I was depressed. It struck me that something had been going on with me, and I wondered if it might be something akin to a mild mania.

Since then, I've noticed, I sometimes take spells of suddenly feeling happier, more positive, more motivated, out of nowhere. It tends to dissipate quickly, faster than hypomania should, though, unless I engage in the activities I'm motivated to do, which would naturally produce real happiness. However, I feel the happiness is nearly delusional, because I think "Everything will be okay" for example, I forgive myself for things I don't normally think I deserve forgiveness for, etc.

I don't know if these things correspond to my happy times or not, but sometimes I am more withdrawn, others, more social. I am sometimes very talkative, and this isn't always abnormal for me, but sometimes I find my speech is louder, faster, more urgent. Other times I feel I don't have the emotional energy to talk. Sometimes, even when I don't really feel depressed, I am just very demotivated, and I want to sleep all of the time. I also get bursts of very vivid dreams, but maybe that's normal. Most things cycle right? I may think about sex a lot or almost none. I had some hour long night sweats during the time when I was having my panic attacks about dying. I seemed to have some energy then, but didn't follow through on my motivations since I was very up and down. I sometimes think I look okay or even kind of nice, but other times feel disgusting and deformed. Anyway, I also seem to take periods of feeling more spiritual and I think that does correspond to my happier times. I sometimes feel distracted or like I have ADD, but other times I can concentrate just fine. I do go through periods of taking risks, but I don't think I'm always happy when I do that. Sometimes I am very depressed, such as when a person with BPD would take risks. I do sometimes do it without regard to consequence, but it seems to be apathy to me.

I have experienced major depression before, which supposedly means I can't have cyclothymia, but would have Bipolar I if I had hypomania, but I think that's bs, because Bipolar I needs real mania, right? I seem to have dysthymia, but maybe I'm also having hypomania, which could mean I have cyclothymia, but maybe my mood swings are BPD related? Yet, my anger has faded significantly, leaving me with something more akin to 7 out of 9 BPD symptoms, where it was 8 before. I feel like some of my BPD symptoms are getting better, though, so I'm consider cyclothymia as a possible issue. My therapist seemed to ignore my mention of hypomanic symptoms when I tried to discuss them with him. I don't know if that was in my head or not. I do know he doesn't like diagnosises (sp?). I also know an adjustment disorder does not last this long, so I have to have something else.

My mother has been dx with major depression, and apparently has chronic depression, as she has taken anti-depressants for years and had problems when I was a child. She also has chronic anxiety that she is medicated for, and prob. had panic disorder before her meds, considering what she's told me. My father...I'm not sure, other than, he was paranoid, and had epilepsy with psychotic symptoms (rare and brief). My sister (1/2) has had issues with anxiety, depression, and OCD tendancies, and her son is very hyper, with depression, anxiety, irritability/anger issues, and paranoia. None of them have bipolar, but I have a first cousin and a first cousin once removed (I think that's right) with it, and a first cousin once removed, an aunt, and a second cousin that I seriously believe all have Borderline PD. Some things run in the family in general, such depression, anxiety, and OCD. A couple have ADHD. I mention this due to heredity issues. For example, people who have relatives with bipolar or unipolar depression are more likely to be cyclothymic.

[Anneinside]

From what you are saying, I didn't hear of anything that would really indicate hypomania or mania. To get a diagnosis, you really need to talk to a psychiatrist. We can't diagnose you here, none of us can.

Tell you pdoc about the indicators of borderline and what you have been experiencing. They need good information in order to make a correct diagnosis.

[musikcrazy]

I agree that you need to talk to a pdoc. Some of what you are talking about does sound like a tad of hypomania, but only the pdoc can make the dx. Good luck in your quest!