[grizmom]

I'm sorry I bothered everyone. That's all I wanted to say.

Whatcha talking about???!!! You're not bothering at all!

[Trippin2.0]

U don't bother anybody!!! Ur extremely insightful and helpful 2 every1 who's forum u post on! U have nothing to apologize for.

[Eloise42]

I for one was never at any point bothered. Are you okay?

[sugahorse1]

you sound like you need to chat - come talk to us.

[grizmom]

I rate my depression on a scale of 0 - -6; 0 = baseline, -1 = very mild depression, -2 = mild depression, -3 = mild/moderate depression, -4 = moderate depression, -5 = moderate/severe depression, -6 = severe depression/suicidal, and yesterday I went from a -1 in the morning to -3 in the evening to -5 last night. I usually am around -3 to 0 since Feb. 2009 when I started my new med combo so I was really freaked out and a bit paranoid and very over-sensitive last night. I had posted early in the day about being nervous about starting with my new T on Friday, and then last night when I saw that I only had 1 response I guess I took it as a personal attack or something; I felt like no one cared. I know it wasn't a personal attack and that you all DO care, now that I've gotten a good night's sleep and am back up to a -2 today. Oh the joys of bipolar depression (do we have a sarcasm font???)

I should know by now that when I'm in that place I need to ask for help and not jump to irrational conclusions...something to work on! It's hard because it didn't feel irrational last night. When I woke up today and remembered posting I was like "okay, I'm an idiot" LOL...

Anyhow, I think the depression was caused by: not sleeping well for a few nights in a row, it's been dark and cloudy for several days, and I've been thinking and journaling a lot about what I want to work on with the new therapist, therefore bringing up bad memories.

I may need some support this week - and please, if you see me post something like that again, feel free to say something. Sometimes I need to have someone point it out to me when I'm being paranoid or over-sensitive or irrational because I don't always recognize it at the time.

[Moreta]

Your not bothering anyone.

Well at least, not me. You would know if you bothered me.

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by QueenAccountant

Your not bothering anyone.

Well at least, not me. You would know if you bothered me.

I can see that...I just read your post about work!! *note to self - do not do anything to upset QueenAccountant*

[kadesgirl09]

your never a bother Grizmom! You have the best things to say to people. I hope you find your way out of this depression soon! (((((((GRIZMOM)))))))

[Eloise42]

You need sleep darlin! It is seriously important. If I don't sleep I don't try to do anything the next day because I know I will fall apart if I so much as break a pencil. It's really important to take it easy on yourself when things are hard.

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by Eloise42

You need sleep darlin! It is seriously important. If I don't sleep I don't try to do anything the next day because I know I will fall apart if I so much as break a pencil. It's really important to take it easy on yourself when things are hard.

I did sleep a little better last night; I took an extra clonazepam (pdoc said it is okay to take an extra one occassionally) so that was enough to give me a couple extra hours of sleep. Today I also used my light box that I still have from when they thought I had seasonal affective disorder, and I think that helped as well (it's been very dark and cloudy for several days). So today was much better...not all the way up to baseline but not down at the bottom of the pit at least! Thank you all so much for understanding and being supportive!!

[sugahorse1]

Hey there - just checking up on you. I can totally empathise with you. I was in that same place yesterday. And really, you can rationalise all you want, it's hard to be positive and pull yourself out of it.
Surround yourself with good friends, maybe teach them about BP and let them help you identify symptoms. Teach them what they can do to make you feel better. I know i need to be distracted and kept busy.

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

Hey there - just checking up on you. I can totally empathise with you. I was in that same place yesterday. And really, you can rationalise all you want, it's hard to be positive and pull yourself out of it.
Surround yourself with good friends, maybe teach them about BP and let them help you identify symptoms. Teach them what they can do to make you feel better. I know i need to be distracted and kept busy.

I'm working on the friend part...I only have 1 right now. It's hard for me to meet people since I don't have a car anymore. When I first moved here I had a car and I volunteered one or two nights a week at an AA/NA drop-in center. I'm not an alcoholic or addict, but the drop-in center was great. Every night from 9pm - 2am they were open and lots of people would come down and play cards and drink coffee so I knew quite a few people back then. After I was married we had to sell my car because we could only afford one, and he worked 2nd shift so I couldn't go down to the drop-in center anymore. The 1 friend I do have is allergic to cats so she can't visit me, and I still don't have a car so I can't go there.

I recently found a support group with the help of my peer support specialist but she could only take me once to try it out, and it's on the other side of town so I will have to find some sort of transportation to get there and back if I want to continue going. It's not close enough to take a cab; it would cost at least $10 one way. Tonight I am going to try another support group that I just learned about; it's close enough to take a cab there and home again so I really hope I like it. Maybe I will meet some new people there. Other than that, I just don't know where to go to meet people. I live in a large apartment building but it's low income so most of the people here are at least twice my age, and they sit around down in the lobby and gossip all day - I despise gossip. Anyone know of an online friend store?? I've heard of mail-order brides; I need a mail-order friend

[musikcrazy]

I appreciate the support you give me here. Thanks for caring and being sensitive to others needs! You deserve lots of hugs!!!!!

[Changeling412]

I don't sleep much on a regular basis so I know how it is to have a melt down from lack of sleep. I've never voiced this to anyone but when I read it in your post, I almost cried.

"when I saw that I only had 1 response I guess I took it as a personal attack or something; I felt like no one cared. I know it wasn't a personal attack and that you all DO care..."

I feel like that alot, especially if someone doesn't respond to me (something i've said, done or written) the way I think they should, my mind instantly tells me it's because they don't like me, or they don't care about what i'm going through or just didn't want to be bothered with me.

Anyway, I'm new here but i've read quite of few of your posts and find you insightful and supportive and can't imagine that you'd be a bother to anyone. I hope you feel better.

[grizmom]

Thanks again everyone! I'm up very early this morning; had a nightmare and couldn't get back to sleep. I will be meeting my new T in 6 hours, I am hopeful that it goes well. After I get home I will try to take a nap if I'm still tired. You all are wonderful people and don't let anyone tell you different!!