Forever?

I am wondering if anyone has acheived the state where s/he feels completely normal (with meds, therapy, whatever or nothing). By completely normal I mean that you don't have the negative, excited or agitated thoughts to deal with. Or you don't have anxiety over change because your mind can't process it quickly enough, etc. You get the idea. The doc says it will take time. How long did it take for you. It seems like an eternity. 10 years, 20 years? I'll be close to 80 in 20 years. I can't wait that long. What gives here?

Please let me know your thoughts. I am so tired of the daily fight to keep my mind on a positive track--it's like correcting an untruly horse on a racetrack all day. Today I've felt ready to give up. If I give up, where will my mind go? Will I get worse? Lose my mind completely. I know there's the risk of snuffing out my light.

I can't speak for myself because I am not there yet, but my younger sister has been through hell and back with bipolar disorder and severe anxiety. She was hospitalized a total of 30 days in less than a year and now that she has the right doctors, some good medications and the right therapists and is in a DBT group she is doing fantastic!
I'm hoping I can find that place in the next 18 months, but you are right it is hard. Especially when depression just won't let up and you can't even remember what it was like to feel "normal".
Please don't give up. One of my favorite sayings is "In the end it will be okay. If it is not okay, it is not the end."

I have felt stable for the most part when I have been on the right meds and with the right support. I still have breakthrough bouts of depression and mania. Sometimes these indicate a med change. But these times are shorter in duration and not as severe. I know I have had enough depressive episodes to know that when I am in one, that it will end euen if my depression tells me otherwise. I hope that you feel better soon.

I love the analogy of the unruly horse on the racetrack. Beepers are so often clever, but if we could just harness our thoughts, we'd be better off. And we're thoroughbreds!! lol

I am an 11 years sober alcoholic in AA. Got sober at the start and have never busted with booze. We say with booze that while we still have the disease of alcoholism within us, and that recovery is contingent on a daily program of recovery for the rest of our lives. And that is true for me, and I don't doubt that if I continue to do my AA program for the rest of my life I will never drink again. (Yes of course a lot of people will say it's a day at a time)

But mental illness is a much harder matter - much harder to master. There are so many more variables at play that we can't control: our own brain chemicals, which can go out of whack for no particular reason and get us very very sick very very quick - and this is while being a 100% compliant patient with psychiatry and meds, with psychology (I have two psychologists I work intensely with). And of course AA does have some crossover benefits too - especially the Inventory process which works really well alongside psychotherapy.

But there is also the huge stigma, gossip, bigotry rejection and fear about mental illness that comes not just from the wider society but those people closest to us in our lives - for me it has been absolutely corroding to the soul.

There is also the variability of meds and what works and what doesn't - the years long guinea pig scenario - and then you hit a meds mix that works and those brain chemicals shift again and it's back to the drawing board - and that happens again and again - not to mention all the complex side-effects.

And then there is the variability of the qality of treaetment from psychiatrists and psychologists. I was grossly mis-prescribed by psychiatrists for 6/7 years and nearly died as a result.

And back to that stigma and rejection - if being an alcoholic, even a sober one causes rejection and fear TRY MENTAL ILLNESS. In my experience (and I was a blackout drinker for 18 year until I got sober 11 years ago) the rejection and fear around addiction is not even in the same league as mental illness. We get relegated to the very edges of society - the absolutely most dangerous place for us to be - being part of a strong social support network is one of the huge indicators of the likely success of a person with mental illness.

I don't have such a network so right now I depend on my mental health clinicians abut I am trying to transition to a new life with new social support netwoks.

I do believe that it is possible to gain a great deal of recovery from mental illness - the Plastic Brain Theory says that we can. But I also believe that for me anyway, with my backstory and my brain function, I will always have Bipolar and panic and anxiety disorders (and newly learned I have OCD). So I'll keep doing the drill.

I think we keep imagining a totally happy life with roses and sunshine. But let's not lose track of the fact that even "normal" people have bad days. Therefore to reach the point you call "normal" will still include those down days every now and again. I guess the difference is the duration of these down periods and the reasoning behind the depression.
I think we sometimes strive for too perfect a life, when we are possibly actually pretty stable.
And I definitely believe that the correct medication and treatment will go an awful long way to helping us out - how close to normal it can really bring us: I don't know

P.S.: Hope that didn't totally confuse everyone

I just would like to be able to feel again. Right now everything is either 1) just okay, 2) not okay or 3) my mind takes me to where I can no longer mentally and emotionally function and I want to and need to die. I expend a huge amount of energy trying to stay out of #3. I cycle between these 3 categories every week. And this is a huge improvement over what I've been dealing with for over many years. We finally acheived this lovely "stable" non-emotional state in February this year. I should be thankful, I know because I used to cycle wildly prior to this year. But I want to feel love and affection and happiness. I want to feel what it is to hate injustice and cruelty again. I guess what I'm really saying is TO LIVE IS TO FEEL, TO EXPERIENCE OTHERS AND I CAN'T FEEL. I CAN'T FEEL - I can't cry, I can't laugh. There is no joy, no pleasure. Everything is plain flat. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. There is no desire for anything or anyone, not even my kids (grown) or grandkids (small) and that's really what made me realize something is terribly wrong with me. I know I love them--I'd give my life or my limbs for them--but I FEEL NOTHING except #1, #2, #3 or occasionally anxiety.

"Normal" people get agitated, overwhelmed, angry and excited too. The idea is to get the mood swings diminished until they don't interfere with our ability to function. A couple times I got to the good place within a couple months of the right meds and a lot of effort changing to healthier lifestyle routines. It seems intangible sometimes but I have to remember that it is possible.