Read this very very slowly. Like a zombie that can't be arsed to shuffle. I have no idea how long it took to write.

Sorry to write and be a big bummer, but I just don't know what else to do. Crashed. Big time. And not from up, but a mere 5 days of somewhat normal functioning. Can barely move. Brain is in slow motion. Not even auto pilot. Really hard to type. Just staring immobilized. Words escape me. Words need brain and there's big spaces. Started last night, but not the slow. Just ruminating round and round. Not even desperate. Defeated. Non existant. Black hole of my marrow sucking everything in past where a semblence of defense used to be. Last night. Not today.
Light. Sound. Movement. Anything. Too much. Not pain, just ... I don't know.

I knew something was coming. Not quite this. I tried. And tried. To do something anything while I still could to not get here. The slammed doors, the invisibility... like... paralyzed. The one ray is so far away. And I don't even care.

BPII. Not "serious" enough. Not visible enough. Not ever "enough". In anything. Now if I could only remember that and pretend this reality isn't so. Everything would be alright. A delusion, but alright.

Spaced. It's better this way. Better than round and round.

Don't worry. I won't do anything. Can't be arsed.

[Moreta]

Just remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may seem far away, but it is there.

[BlackPup]

It can and will get better. Can you get an emergency appt with your doctor?
If it helps to write then we are always here for you... even if it is confused...
Will be thinking of you... you are not alone...

Thanks guys. BlackPup... no P-doc, no T-doc, no GP (and for added fun, no job and no insurance, no credit card). Those closed doors? From calling every resource in the local so-called safety net. In the whole city. Can assure anyone who's not experience it that there's no rejection quite like it. I wouldn't believe it even possible if I hadn't experienced it personally. But that was 2 weeks ago and more. A bazillion calls. The only place that said they would take me is beyond my means.

It crushed me, pummeled me into a numb and disbelieving heap, no doubt about it. But this is... I don't know. See, even though I still can't quite believe it, I've pretty well accepted it. I can't force them, and have already gone beyond my rejection limit. Those last "safety net" calls were really hard. It was the end of the line. Before that, I could tell myself... but there are still some left. They might. Safety net providers gone, I started calling all the NMHNPs. That was where the one small light came from. It's still nearly a month off and more than half an hour drive to get to, so I hope it's not in vain.

I don't know when I'll have the strength to throw myself into a pulp against that wall again, so I've pretty well had to accept it, you know? Because of being backed into the corner though, I did something that..yeah...yeah ..everyone says you shouldn't. Self-adjusted my meds. Up. (P-doc in previous state was generous with refill scripts. Thank goodness, or I'd have nothing.) Which worked for a few days, and probably will again. Just... right now, my brain's been hijacked. What few brain cells I've been able to rub together today.... well, here's the thought: maybe the brain shutting down, spacing out, slowing the body down to a crawl, is some kind of defense mechanism against a pain and rejection overload. Like... critical mass has been reached. Shut down. Stop the ruminations. The system can't take any more. Like a brain nap.

You can imagine how this all has "helped" looking for work. Put a lot out at first, now can hardly get anything out there and when I have, have not even gotten calls back on part time minimum wage jobs that I'm totally qualified for. Even unadvertised ones. I know the ecomony's bad. But this + rejection from the "safety net" = major defective complex. Huh. Was thinking it wasn't really all this stuff, but maybe I just haven't accepted it all as much as I'd like to think. Or maybe I have. I don't know which is worse.

[Trippin2.0]

You're STILL trying, which is no easy task! I'm sO proud of you. You've been thrown a hectic curve ball, but you haven't given up.

You'll get better, you'll see

[sugahorse1]

I'm so sorry Innerzone!!!
Not sure how the state medical thing works for you - but can you not take yourself to casualty and force them to help you? Is it 1.5 months until you see a state psychiatrist?
Please try and keep your head up.

I'm also in a hole, but i'm clinging onto every little weed to not allow myself to slip even further down. Yes, it hurts when the weed snaps and in freefall you need to try grab another one. It's tiring, it's frustrating. But soon someone will throw us a rope - or the sun will rise and its long rays will shine into the hole and make us feel warmer than we are, its rays will encompass us and give us hope, let us begin to feel again.

After every sunset there is a sunrise - that is a given! Even the scientists deduced: What comes up, must go down.
Just wait for the wheel to turn.
Go to sleep - there's no reason to stay awake and feel $hit - at least that way your physical body has the opportunity to try and rejuvinate the energy your mental part and soul is sapping from it.

(((HUGS))))

Thanks, all.

Well sugahorse, I'm not exactly sure, though it has definitely crossed my mind, especially over the last couple of months. And it sounds weird maybe, but I've actually been afraid to find out(!) Because of the experience with the others, if *they* were to *not*, I don't know if I could handle it. It would very likely push me over the edge, so I try to keep pushing through, holding that as an option only of _extreme_ desperation. I would not even sought help in that regard when I was married, but now I have a BF that I adore, I would, because I just couldn't do that to him (you all know of what I speak, yes?) My other fear is the $, having a nearly morbid fear of debt. Maybe the US folks could enlighten me on this, and how ER (I presume that's where one would go) works (and if it varies from state to state or county to county).

I've had substantial money dread forever, even when I was married, had insurance and the husband made ok money. In fact it was a big factor in not getting divorced a decade ago. My earnings record is Proven Paltry. And even though I'm starting to understand how my BP and self-esteem issues have played into it, those factors really haven't changed. So yeah. It's not for nothing that I fear. The biggest difference is now understanding how much I do need the meds and help.

No state P-doc on the horizon. You're thinking of someone else (it's ok -- there is a lot to keep track of here on the forums!)) I like your analogy of the weed grasping.

And I am feeling better today. Still down, but not that leaden and spaced out feeling. Settled on the idea of a brain nap. The idea helped actually. That and much quieter and only occasional rumination. It was a nice relief actually. (Though my BF was pretty seriously worried about my state, I wasn't. Not in that way anyway. I know the state likely to cause my demise, and it's very different than the one yesterday.) Since I can, I will make a point of moving around today and try to get a few things done, even if they are very minor.

Thanks everyone. (If any of our US folks could shed some light on the ER questions, that would be great.)

[Shakti]

I don't have much to add (today's been a day day--woke up crying and have been mean and irritable all day and just upset and awful to deal with, and my brain is slow slow slow and all wobbly), except to say I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.

ERs can be lifesavers. But last time I went for Bipolar, I got yelled at for "not taking my meds" (I had none and had just come from a state where I had no doc and no ins and therefore no meds). I was suicidal and scared. I almost jumped over the registration desk at that ***** and ripped her throat out (bad mixed state, I guess). Instead I flipped her off and shouted expletives at her for being themost uncaring, rude, arrogant, insufferable "nurse" I'd ever seen and that she wasn't even checking me in so mind her damn business. Then I stormed out bawling. MY partner dragged me back in, threatening to carry me. So they took me to an exam room where I waited 5 hours. They sent for a social worker from another town who asked me irrelevant questions and referred me to a mental health emergency services place (and I went and it did help a bit). But no doctor came in. No one helped me. I left as suicidal and upset as I was when I came in. Got a $2000 bill a week later. It ended up being covered by the state since I had insurance but it didn't kick in for a month. It's a program called Health Safety Net. Anyway, not a good experience...for me anyway.

[perpetuallysad]

Innerzone, I am sorry I didn't see this until today. I hope that you are feeling a tiny bit better. As far as ERs, my experiences have been like Shakti, while everyone always says "go to the ER, they have to help you" that's really not true. Somehow or the other, they end up sending me away with nothing and then sending me an outrageous bill that I cannot afford to pay. I don't mean to take any hope away, I don't know what state you live in, perhaps there is a state hospital you could go to? Here there is nothing.

I am really sorry you are feeling so badly though. What meds are you on? What changes did you make? Maybe the med changes have effected your brain, or at least how you perceive how your brain is working?

I'm here if you need me.

Thanks, Shakti and perpetually! Hehe, and I thought is was just because I was a cynic that I suspected this deep down! LOL. Of course, if anyone has a positive experience, by all means speak up!

Wow. As the day's gone on, I've felt better and better. Not hypo by any means, but, just... full of words(!) (Witness lots o' posting!) Guess that's what happens when everything gets backed up a bit. BF is happy to see me back from where I was yesterday, but is also a bit : Like... how does one go from one place to the other so shortly? Ummmm, welcome to the BP Highway... aka Rollercoaster. (He's still relatively new to it... knew BP friends from awhile back, but I think this is the first he's seen it up close and personal so to speak). Still. No complaints. Yesterday was like a brain (and body) vacation. Shut down. Today's certainly not hypo, but at least I feel somewhat useful and alive. Do feel a bit wordy though. Tell me to shut up already if I've lost sight of it! Still taking a breather from the THINGS. Things that trigger self-doubt and insecurity. Like looking for work. Stuck to vacuuming and picking up a few things. Building towards tackling the more uncertain and daunting things. One hour. One hour. One hour. One day. Trying like hell to ignore those things that beat me down. What better time to ignore reality? I hate it anyway!

Thank you all so much for responding. I always have a big fear of throwing my pain out into the universe and receiving a deafening silence. All the more when things are shifting quickly. Like... what is she talking about? Yesterday she's over there, today she's over here?! But I guess if fellow BP folks don't understand, who possibly would? Sometimes it goes on and on, sometimes it shifts on a dime. Something that can only truly be understood by those who experience it too. MWAH!!!

[sanityseeker]

((((((Innerzone))))))))) I just saw this. I am so glad you are feeling better. Good work hanging on till the wave shifted. Keep well.

[sugahorse1]

Glad things are looking up!

[Trippin2.0]

I new you could ride out that wave, I'm sO glad you did, and so proud of you!!!!

[Shakti]

I don't think you have to worry about receiving a deafening silence here. I haven't been here very long on this forum but I've come to depend on it a great deal for understanding and a sort of companionship. And hell yeah--we understand! Yesterday I was an irritable as ****, but in a decent mood (I got irritable when people came around, but by myself I was pretty much good and content), today I'm ok, thus far (but I slept 19 hours!!! Took flexeril for muscle aches and tightness which I really doubted my doc would give to me and KABOOM, I was out cold...holy moly that stuff is strong! Gotta google it), but the day is young. Tomorrow, who knows? We're all pretty much like this. And for me, sometimes it's within the day or even the hour. We totally get it and we completely empathize because we all understand what it's like.

[Shakti]

Also, I HATE the censoring. So dumb. A Bunch of ***** just makes me want to punch the computer. I'm 33--I think I can handle it. When I was 13 I could handle it. When I was 5 I could handle it. How dumb.

[BlackPup]

Innerzone, great to hear that you are recovering
For all of you in the US, everything I hear about your health system, employment, minimum wages etc sounds so increadibly sucky.... I wish you could all be here in Oz getting the help that you need. (Even if the ER doctors here get incredibly annoyed by psych patients they still get treated, seen by psych, given drugs and don't even get sent a bill)

As for medications, my system for minimising doctor's visits is:
I have my normal mood stabiliser and antidepressant all the time and I also get scripts for stronger ones for if I start to get high or low. I find that this stops me from having to take heaps of meds all the time (which cuts down on side effects and cost) and keeps me from cycling out of control. Every time I go to the doctor, I make sure that I have enough scripts for all my drugs. Are there GPs or clinics that are cheap where you can get scripts for psych drugs?

[sugahorse1]

Blackpup - sounds like u have a good system there with regards to scripts. I usually fetch all my meds as I get prescribed them. Some I know are only for ad hoc use. SO they live in my cupboard.
But when I get Suic**l, it prob isn't a good idea to have such a stash. Anyhow, have managed to keep it all in check thus far

I also hate having to always pay for a new script, PLUS the meds, making our health a very expensive issue to keep on top of.