I am a teacher, and last week one of my students committed suicide. He had just graduated. He was bipolar. His family appealed to friends and community to donate to a bipolar organization rather than send flowers. They showed great strength and grace in their pain.

The death sent me into a tailspin from which I have yet to completely recover. I UNDERSTAND his thinking, his rationalization, his action. That realization really triggered me. Am I doomed to his fate? Why does this disease take so many lives? Should I just be done with it now? All these thoughts led to my own depression and sui attempt last weekend.

I'm doing better. I still have a way to go, but I'm not in that pit of despair any longer. Because I have improved, pdoc didn't insist I go inpatient, but he does want to see me very soon.

[sugahorse1]

I'm sorry to hear this Chris!
I'm sure i tmust have been terrible for you to go through. Please DO NOT in the slightest blame yourself.
Most of us go through these spells from time to time, but very few of us act on it.
We need to support each other through the downs and keep our pdocs involved.

Chris, I'm sorry you are so down and had sui thoughts this weekend. Please leave them behind. I'm sure he was a great loss to all who knew him and if there had been anything you could do to help, I'm sure you would have.
Unfortunately it sounds like he was really just too much in the grip of this illness.
Please be strong, and use your experiences to further help people that are battling with BP and need your support.
We are here for you - please keep posting. These depressive spells WILL pass, and you will emerge stronger for it at the end.
((((HUGS))))

Massive sss, farmergirl! I'm sure glad you didn't succeed!!! It's probably because we've been to such dark places that we do understand, we can't help but understand, and that's ok. People who haven't simply can't. Not their fault, it's just impossible to w/o the experience of it. It's not intellectual, it's visceral. It's very frustrating to not be able to bridge that gap. I'm so sorry you were triggered, but when you say "doomed", remember that the vast majority *don't* die, so is a good thing to try to keep in mind when your brain is trying to tell you it's fated. It's not. Wishing you continued recovery, and remember, we're in your corner.

[BlackPup]

farmergirl, when I think of my friends who have died my heart cries out with their pain. When I think of what it is like to want to die so badly and remember what they were going through it fills me with dispair. But then I see the pain of those they left behind, and my pain at their loss, and it makes me resolve to never do that.
Be strong, you have got through this before, you will again, it will get better.

[sugahorse1]

How you doing Chris??

I'm hanging in there. Actually, I'm pretty depressed still, but it will pass. Thank you for checking on me.

(((((farmergirl)))))) So glad to hear that you are keeping on and with the very healthy attitude of realizing it will pass. Hard to do, and you are doing it! Yea! Please keep us posted as you are pulling out of this very difficult time, ok?

[sugahorse1]

You just need to keep your mind focused on other things. Don't think of situation as the norm, rather an isolated case.
We are here to offer you any support you may need.

[Shakti]

That's so heartbreaking. It truly truly is. And when I hear these things, I wonder if one depressed day I'll do this to myself because I'm pretty out of my mind with depressive pain, desolation, anguish, etc. What a senseless and tragic thing it would be.

That young man was so very young. I hope his family and loved ones (and YOU) are dealing with this ok. I know parents often wonder "what did we do? how could we have stopped it?" and carry terrible guilt. I hope his parents cope and avoid that guilt.

My heart goes out to them and to you. I think it would be fairly triggering for me (most of the time anyway) if someone I knew committed suicide (especially if bipolar was involved, for obvious reasons).

How sad.

I saw my t today and he really recommended I go to the hospital. It's not going to happen though because I just don't feel like I can abandon my guys again (I just got back from being away for 3 weeks caring for my sister). My husband doesn't handle separation well. It will just make matters worse in the long run. I'm not suicidal at this point, just really, really depressed (probably too depressed to have the energy to hurt myself anyway).

[FeelingHopeful]

Chris, Big hugs to you!!

[Ebpm]

You have people here farmergirl. It's going to be okay, I know you will get through this! ;<}
we're here for you all the way! Never ever forget that! ;-)

If your T says you should go to a hospital, you should go. Your husband will understand if it is serious enough for your T to say that. Just keep in contact with him, keep letting us know how everything is going okay?
We are here 24/7. Hugs and support! ;•)

[sugahorse1]

Thinking of you Chris. Take each minute as it comes, always remembering you are number one and if it gets too much, rather reach out for help - it's the responsible thing to do

[WendyAussie]

Oh Sweety, I'm so sorry this happened, every part of it. Two and a half years ago Heath Ledger died (I am an Aussie) and I had already been in daily suicidal ideation, not showering, not changing PJs for eons, no-one to help me, completely isolated, my psychiatrist absolutely blind to my imminent peril even though every time I saw him I told him I was suicidal, the whole deal. And Heath's death pushed me over, I did the suicide act two and a half weeks after he died and I nearly didn't make it out - 5 day coma and many many medical interventions to save my life. The likelihood of me surviving was very low, but I am still here.

I mention this because, of course I didn't even know Heath Ledger, but this series of events had a huge impact on me. So I have some limited understanding of how the death of the young man triggered you. It is such an overwhelming and intimate situation. But I'm sure the young man would never want you to go the same way.

I have had four hospitalisations over time and I have never regretted one - although of course it wasn't a happy experience at the time as I was so very ill. But it all helped me survive in the long run. Not only do you deserve to get the optimum in care at the moment, all those you love deserve it too, because you'll be the wellest person possible if you get the optimum care being offered. Just a thought.

[kadesgirl09]

(((CHRIS))) sending loads of hugs and encouragement your way. So sorry you had to go through such a horrible ordeal. Just want you to know your not alone!!

[BNLsMOM]

Chris I am sorry you are going through this. I know the depression will pass for you, but if you need to go to the hospital to be safe, then by all means do so. I am thinking of you.