[Moreta]

Seriously, Pfizer, why would you make a medication, where if you miss 2 doses, you go bat ***** insane. Please explain this to me.

I went to take my meds this morning, and realized that my effexor was not in my grab bag of drugs. No wonder I felt like raging on people yesterday. So I took 2, and I feel normal again. It was so bad last night, I was contemplating driving to the ER myself. Then I remembered what happened the last time I went to the hospital, and decided that would not be the best solution, so I took an extra seroquel and went to bed.

Yesterday suuuuuuuuucked. Went to Duke to see the doctor, and I'm going to have surgery on August 8th.....oh joy. The doctor still didn't know what the mass on my kidney is, but he said it would be best for it come out. Then I went to the pre-op appointment, and the PA was very insistent on talking about the bipolar disorder. Like if it was being managed properly, did I feel like hurting myself, did I have a plan? I answered properly to not get myself locked up, "Yes, No, No." Where the answers should have been "No, Yes, Many." I am going to see if they can do a psych evaluation while I'm recuperating in the hospital, see if they can get me off this dam effexor.

On a side note, while sitting in the psych's office the other day, 2 drug reps came in, and is it just me, or do you always want to ask 'what drugs are you peddling?' So then of course since I had that whole conversation in my head, I start laughing, which is never a good idea when you're not talking to anyone.

[thinker22]

I had a terrible time on Effexor. Felt like I was shaking inside constantly. I was anxious, my teeth were chattering and my eyes were dilated. So glad I got to come off of that before I got hooked. It is the worst to come off of, so I've read and been told. Hope you can get off of it too without much trouble.

[Moreta]

I've been taking it for 2+ years now. My psych recently went down to 150 mg from 300 mg b/c I started on 300 mg x 3 of Neurontin. I had switched to pristiq for awhile, until my insurance decided that "there were cheaper options."

I just hate how medications can have such control over our lives, and that it's going to be like this for the rest of my life.

Then to top it off, my husband was no help. Well, he "technically" did what he was supposed to. But when I was feeling crazy, I kept asking him if I should go to the hospital, and his response was "do you think you need too?" Which I did at that time, but since he wouldn't say "yes, you need to go to the hospital," I thought that if I went to the hospital, he would somehow disapprove of me. Which made me feel even more like crap. Hence, having the idea in my head that I'm a professional tattooist, I have the word HATE carved into my hand. How can one go from fine, to wanting to end it all? The worst part is that it's all based on these assumptions I make about everything, not actually trying to find out what the TRUTH is. Yes, when I get yelled at, it makes me feel like I've done something so wrong, that they probably don't want me around, at all. That I'm somehow less of a person, so what is the point? as;dlkfj.

[thinker22]

I'm sorry things are so difficult and confusing for you right now. I have days like that too where the chemistry in my brain makes me just want to end it all and I have no idea what med is hurting or isn't helping or why the doc even put me on something other than yet another experiment because she has no idea what she's doing with each individual's brain chemistry. Sometimes I fantasize about taking a melon scooper to my brain to try to get out the parts that make me feel so miserable. Lately I'm sleeping 12-16 hours a day on this new med Strattera. Even when I'm awake I feel like I could go right back to sleep and feel safe. The world seems kind of scary when my chemistry is so tenuous. My partner says the same thing about the hospital. "I'll take you if you feel like you need to go." I've nearly gone several times in the past 2 weeks. But I always sleep on it and then feel differently (not always better) the next day. Maybe I should have been in the hospital all this time. I still feel unwell and insecure. I hope you can get the help that you need and insist on going to the hospital if things are that bad. Forget about what others think of you. Your top priority should be your mental health. No one else can tell you what you need.

[vjdragonfly]

Originally Posted by QueenAccountant

On a side note, while sitting in the psych's office the other day, 2 drug reps came in, and is it just me, or do you always want to ask 'what drugs are you peddling?' So then of course since I had that whole conversation in my head, I start laughing, which is never a good idea when you're not talking to anyone.

LMAO QueenAccountant

Sorry you are having it so difficult right now. I can sympathize with you. Do what you need to get to a better place. Have you talked to your pdoc about the side effects of the effexor? Sounds like you definitely need a med change if you are having so much difficulties. Hope things get better for you.

[Moreta]

Originally Posted by thinker22

Sometimes I fantasize about taking a melon scooper to my brain to try to get out the parts that make me feel so miserable.

I do this as well. I think to myself, how in the old days, we'd all get frontal lobotomies. Now I'm not saying that was a good thing to be done, but just the thought, of not having to think at all, is quite comforting to me.

[perpetuallysad]

I don't know if you mean to, but you are a funny lady. I love to read your posts. Obviously, I know you are suffering, but I get a kick out of your sadistic humor!

I really, really get what you are saying about the assumptions thing. I literally will assume one small thing, like you did (your husband would disapprove of you going to the hospital) and I will carry that out in my head to insane levels... it will eventually turn into him not loving me and staying with me out of pity and how I torture him and am a drain and burden and what's the ****ing point ever WHY????? (Hm, I actually wrote a poem with that title once.) Anyhow, I hated effexor too. I took that for 2 years and stopped when I was on 450mgs cold turkey. Not fun. I think I already mention this though, hm, sorry if I am repeating myself. I could hear my eyeballs move when I was detoxing off that ****. I have no idea where I was going with this post. I hope you don't take me thinking you are funny wrong.

By the way, I have literally cried my eyes out during a complete breakdown BEGGING my pdoc to do a lobotomy. I still wonder if it wouldn't be the answer. I have read a lot about them and the people are still functional, can work and everything, which is more than I do now. I don't know. I know that's my crazy talk, but I completely get where you are coming from on that one.

[sugahorse1]

I hope you are soon back in the swing of things!!

[Moreta]

Originally Posted by perpetuallysad

I don't know if you mean to, but you are a funny lady. I love to read your posts. Obviously, I know you are suffering, but I get a kick out of your sadistic humor!

Most people don't get the sadistic humor. Did you watch too many British comedy shows growing up, as I did?

And, sugahorse, I'm doing better. Not 100%, but better.

[Trippin2.0]

I just lurve your sense of humour!!!! Sick yet smart. You describe the deepest,darkest things, and manage to have us empathizing and laughing all at once! Your sadism adds spice to forums, I LOVE IT!

[perpetuallysad]

As a matter of fact I did watch some brit humor on PBS as a kid, and of course the mythical Monte Python. Tee hee

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I just lurve your sense of humour!!!! Sick yet smart. You describe the deepest,darkest things, and manage to have us empathizing and laughing all at once! Your sadism adds spice to forums, I LOVE IT!

Yes!!! Exactly this, QueenAccountant! (Hehe, and yeah, I watch a lot of BBC and Channel 4 comedy too! Maybe it's just a sense of humor that we relate to more easily, you know? Like, sometimes, what can you do but laugh, even though it's not funny on the face of it. It's more the sheer insanity or incongruence of the situation.)
I'm glad you are doing better and more of that to you! I'm glad of course that it helps some people, but... And what you said about the assumptions? Totally relate. More when in an episode of course, but boy can those thoughts run amok! And when you said, "...until my insurance decided that "there were cheaper options." Holy cow, that kind of thing just drives me nuts. HONESTLY! Effective people! We *should* be focusing on effective, not cost alone! Patients and their doctors are the best ones to determine that, not some insurance company. But I'll save that rant for later... Keep us posted, QueenAccount how it is going for you, ok?

(Oh, perpetually, 450mg cold turkey? Not fun would be a profound understatement from some of what I've read of coming off that one! Yikes.)