Angry, so Angry... possible trigger

What is this; Anger, self-loathing, disappointment, loneliness or all of the above?

Why can I still not be 100% HONEST about my feelings? Am I ashamed? Or am I scared?
Why did I mess up so badly? The 1 person who loved me, is the one person I chased away, regretting this decision, but he’s not coming back, so I have to get off this delusional horse (am I seeing a pattern here? This word TWICE in 1 week) and make peace with the fact that he aint coming back EVER.
I'm so angry, I burst into tears at the drop of a hat, and if it gets any worse I'll be tempted to SI. ( I know myself and my patterns) I don't know why I'm so angry, and yet I do know. And now EVERYTHING is working on my last effin NERVE. I just wanna scream, I just want everyone to leave me alone, I just want someone to understand me and hold me. I want to go off my meds, but I REALLY want them to work, so I reluctantly take them, I want God to bless me, and look upon me with favour, yet I'm shamefully questioning my significance to him and even his existence, Self-loathing? YESSS

WTF is wrong with me?
I'm Crazy
Why don’t I get of this roller-coaster already? I think the ride is intensifying, slowly but surely. And this scares me.It's not intense ALL the time, but it's gradual, guess I've always known this, that's why I sought help, but I mistakenly thought that meds, a new attitude, and support would stop the progression...

Why does nobody understand? Why does nobody see? Am I so good at faking it?

One minute I’m fine, I can laugh and comment, gimme 2 seconds in my head is WHAM, the anger and self-hatred is back.

Should be proud of myself, haven’t even attempted to hurt myself, but jeez, pride is not on the menu today…

What do I even want? More importantly, what do I NEED?

I’m FED UP
end rant

Trippin' it sounds like you are having a bit of a mixed episode: you're talking like the thoughts are dpressed but you are mad and doing agressive stuf to yourself and talking aggressive also instead of curling up and crying. Have you called your P-doc? Sometimes, when I get like that, words keep coming back and playing a like tapercordings in my head, you know, like "Phrase or word of the week" type stuff. Don't be so hard on your self. Try to sit for a bit, take a deep breath, and just be for a few minutes, no more tha none or two. Just try to stop the spiral for a bit. The anger will keep trying to feed itself, it's like depression on steroids. Hang in there, hon, it sounds like you are having a rough time of it! HUGGGGGGSSS

WOW, that's exactly what's happening...

I'm weird

Hang in there - I agree it sounds like a mixed episode. Glad you are seeing your pdoc on thurs and can address these issues.
It's not easy feeling like you are, but it will pass - enough people here have been through it, and will promise you it will get better.
Break your day into little pieces and make notes of everything you have managed to achieve.
It will make you feel much better.
Hoping this passes real quick!! (((HUGS)))

i sure hope you find some help soon, Trippin',, it's a terrible roller coaster ride, i know. if you know the anxiety management skills, use them, if not, learn them, , they really helped me to say alive when i was in that condition... best wishes,, Gus

These things are hadews on wheels, hon. They are the reasons why I keep on my meds. I think alone they arethe most painful part of being bipolar. Hang in there and see what you can do about getting someone to listen to you. HUGGGGGSSSSSS and stay safe.

((Trippin)) Hang in there!

((((Respectful Hug)))) I hear you, even though there seems to be nothing I can do to make things better for you. I hope you fight your way out of this maddening hole, Trippin.
TS

Thanks to everyone who responded, yesterday would've been way worse had it not been for you guys.

Good news is I DIDN'T SI

bad news is: I realised I eat myself into a coma While I'm a tiny woman, and can afford to eat all the junk my heart desires, this can't be a good sign, it's like I replaced the cutting with the eating
So sweet of you TS, FYI, I wouldn't have received it in the wrong way, thanks for clarifying tho.

I spoke to my mom and brother about my anger, while they didn't understand, they were very compassionate, and went out of their way to try and help me relax...

I don't like scaring / confusing them, but I need support...

Will tell my pdoc about these rages tomorrow, they're suffocating me.

anyway, I didn't mean to write another novel, I just wanted to say thanks and update you guys,

I don't see anything wrong with having replaced the SI with eating, as long as it doesn't become a pattern. I think it sounds like it can be something in the bag of tricks known as coping skills. BTW, Abilify reduced my rages to zero.

Hi Trippin - how are you coping?
I agree that you need to think about a list of coping skills that you can refer to when you feel the need to SI. And eating is OK. Try exercise - Boxing bags are a great invention! Or go for coffee with an uplifting friend. Go for a walk up Table Mountain - the exercise is good and the view amazing; it will do wonders for your soul. Even if you take a half-day "sick-leave" to get away, be on your own, and just BE

Hi suga
I'm feeling better today. Went to see my pdoc and he didn't seem concerned or alarmed at all. ( told him about the delusions and the anger ) his a good pdoc, but i think i might need an actual T... IDK

I left my appt feeling a bit let down actually...

The coping mechanisms are a good idea, I will definitely look into it, thanks!

A T is def a great idea. I never thought I needed one, but I'm eternally grateful I do have one

It would be good just to get some feed back on how you're feeling when this stuff happens. This is not a fun disorder to live with, and everylittle bit of help goes a long way, I find! HUGGGS!