[Shopgirl144]

Hi, I really need advice. I think my husband is either bi-polar, or manic depressant or ADHD. He denies that he is suffering from depression. He was on meds for 3 months and have stopped taking them. I can see the difference in him. He does not believe me.
Our entire relationship & marraige is at breaking point because he believes I am the one with a problem. He's putting all the blame at my door.
He does not see his mood swings, or moments of highs & lows. He does not see that for weeks he'll live in chaos and one day clean the house to look like a military zone.
How do I get thru to him that he needs clinical help?
For 2 weeks now he only talks to me when he wants to. He has completely switched off from me. I go to bed early so I can be asleep before he plonks himself down.
I don't know what to do anymore. I am a very happy go-lucky woman. I myself have gone onto anti-stress/anxiety tablets, because I'm living with a knot on my stomach, waiting for him to blame me for something else I haven't done.
I don't just want to pack it up, but how does one live with this? He does not look at me, touch me, phone me. We only interact when he needs something from me.
He is not the man I married - he has completely changed. All he says to that is that we're married now - he doesn't have to do all the stuff he used to. That hurts. I'm married to an allien - one I don't know how to handle. Now I also just keep quiet and do my thing. This is not why I married him.

Anyone out there - help will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
Shopgirl

[Ryask]

Let me guess, if you wanted to be lonely, you would be alone. No one wants to take blame, your saying to him "these are your shortcomings" it actually feels to him the same as when he says to you "this is your fault your the one with the problems" because he doesn't actually believe he has a problem right? I think you should sit him down and tell him without saying "your problem" or "my problem" and just say, i am unhappy with the marriage and i love you enough to want to work on it, and what we have been doing is not working so will you please go to marriage counciling with me. if he says yes, then some of the things you are saying will be brought up, and have a chance to be worked on with a professional. If however he says no he doesn't want to, then you should seek some counciling for yourself individually, see if you feel the relationship is worth saving and if it is supporting him to get help and if it's not then at least you will have that support should you choose to move on to a healthier relationship.

Hmmmm .....Several things come to mind.I am really unqualified as someone to give marriage advice,and I know no one who is bipolar.I am just a woman who has experienced life.
That being said,I think if I wrote the things you wrote and stood back for a moment,I'd hope someone pointed out that the only thing in life we can actually affect is our selves.
From my understanding,bipolar is a very intense dx.I think in the big picture ,since really you can only do what's best for you,I'd get counseling from a good T.I understand how you feel and I feel sympathy for your situation.
Bottom line is you need to consider what is best for you and your life.Whether this is destroying who you are ,in the sense that you are so wrapped up in the pain of your marriage,and forgotten who you were before.
Whether there is anything left doable to repair it.Ask your self what keeps you there and whats pushing you away.
Most important though ,as I said,get professional guidance,and remember who YOU are aside from this current tribulation.
Try to hold onto who you are.I feel really inadequate to assist.It makes me sad.But I just am not qualified,as I understand the bond of marriage I know it has its difficulties.And that even when things seem to crash around you,you still feel concerned for the persons well being and want to do what's right.I am having serious issues as well.Wanting to know if I should try to fix mine.
But that's neither here nor there.Try to focus on your deepest needs,which are mental wellness and selfcare,and please reach out to friends and a professional for guidance.
I hope you find a plan of action that you feel comfortable with...blessings and huggs ....WO.olfy

[PT52]

Some good, practical advice here, Shopgirl. It's pretty common for someone to stop taking meds because they feel good enough to believe they can. And then they may not be able or willing to acknowledge that the symptoms are back. Question - what kind of meds was he on? He would have to have some kind of diagnosis because each disorder has different treatments. In order to work through this, it's important that you educate yourself as much as possible.


You have to decide whether your marriage is worth fighting for. I had the opposite situation - my husband distanced himself because of my BP. He finally decided that after 13 years of marriage, we can spend some time trying to fix it.

I have BP disorder and I can tell you that there are things I do and say that aren't good and, at that moment, I often have no control over them. It's difficult not to take it personally, but that should be one of your goals. One thing I can tell you for sure - way down inside of him, he is the man you married. It's really hard to admit that there is something messing with your head that, a. you can't control without treatment, and b. you will live with for the rest of your life.

That being said, you have to decide what boundaries you're comfortable with. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom finally told him "I love you, but I can't live with you if you continue to drink." Each one had a choice to make. It doesn't always turn out the way you want - my mom stuck to her boundaries and my dad refused to quit drinking.

How do I get thru to him that he needs clinical help?

You can't. It has to come from him. It doesn't mean you shouldn't try to help but understanding the right kind of help will come thru education, patience, empathy and love...you are being asked to be the support system he thinks he doesn't need. Sending you peaceful, soothing vibes.

[blueoctober]

Welcome Shopgirl I'm sorry that you are struggling in your marriage right now. Ideally your husband should see a Psychiatrist, but from your post I get that he thinks that nothing is wrong. Is there anyone in his life that can speak to him about the concerns that he respects etc.?

I'm sure you do this already, but when speaking to him about your concerns try to have it come from a place of compassion rather than blame. You will most likely have to be a broken record about it. Another suggestion I have is to go to counseling for yourself. Again, ideally he would go to a therapist as well, but it sounds like he isn't in that place right now. Either way you deserve support and the therapist may have some suggestions on how to deal with the situation.

The book in my signature is written for spouses, family members of those diagnosed with BP. I'm not saying he does have BP, because there are other mental illnesses that share symptoms with BP. Your husband is very lucky to have you in his life. I hope you find this site supportive.

[kitty004567]

There's lots of good advice already here. I don't think I've got anything to add. Just remember you have to decide what you're willing to live with and you can only change yourself.

Can you update us shopgirl?