On the road......

Well, Im back heading in the right direction. Just thought I'd share, not sure why but the urge to share is there so here I am.

Two days ago had a major break-down (fall back, episode, what ever one would call it). It started like "right now". One second I was fine, going about my daily routine when all of a sudden a massive head ache, audio and visual hallucinations hit me like a mac truck going way over 70 mph. I started throwing the dishes I was putting away at the mosters coming at me, the voices all around me were so overwhelming I just started screaming. Luckly I was at home and my family was right there. I remember trying to run out of the house. I just wanted away, not sure where but away from everything. I remember them trying to keep me calm and indoors, but it felt like they were trying to harm me. My husband made several attempts to medicate me, but I was totally convinced he was poisoning me. It's strange to remember back to this. I don't remember everything about it, most of my memories comes from the family telling me what happened the next day. But I still hold the memory of the feelings of complete fear. This was the worse I've ever been in years. My husband said he wasn't sure if the usual medictions for episodes was going to be enough and was able to get in touch with my pdoc and was given instructions on what extra medications to give me, and if that wasn't possible to call an ambulance to take me to the hospital. Luckly he managed (he's a big guy with determination) to get the medications in me, and keep me confind to an area that I couldnt hurt myself or others untill the medications took effect. Looking back at the medications he gave me, I cant believe I even lived through it all. I recieved Zyprexa 20mg, Ativan 5mg, and seroquel 600mg. After I calmed a bit with approval of the pdoc he gave me 2 extra strength vicodin for the head ach that wouldnt go away. Even with all that I still remained awake...zoned but alert. But after about 4 hrs I finally slept.

Today, I sit and look at all the bruising and scratches on my body wondering why would anyone want me around. Most of the bruising is from me trying to get "things" off me, but some from the family trying to keep me confined. I look in the mirror and not sure who Im looking at anymore. I've cried most of the day yesterday and even some today. I feel I'm "ok" in a sense that I'm me again, but I just cant get over the feelings of all the harm, hurtfull and terrible things I might have said and done to the family. My husband reassures me that all is fine, he and the kids still love me and they are happy I'm home and not in the hospital. He is a true believer that one heals better in the comfort of their own home then in some strange enviroment.

Seen the pdoc yesterday and no medication changes. He feels this is a rare event and doesnt want to make any medication changes. He did say that if this occurs again or more frequently he will make some changes, but feels right now because I'm functional and able to work he would rather not change anything.

Thanks for listening (reading). I've written and erased several times and I still not sure I want to post, but here I go.

I'm so glad you have a supportive family, Kymaro. "I'm not perfect, but I'm better than I was."...such a good thought, and one that shows through your writing above.

Thanks for sharing your story. I feel less alone, and its comforting in a way. I go through similar episodes and I hate what I put my family through.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and very glad that you're here today, okay to tell us about it. Sounds like you have a wonderfully supportive family, and your husband is right... you'll recover better at home. Be kind to yourself. I know what it feels like after something like this... just remember it's not your fault.

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. It's so great that your family is there for you. I'm glad you posted; I think it took me a long time to learn, but being able to say out loud (or in writing) the things you are most afraid of, the things you are most ashamed of, the things you want to hide..well, that kind of takes the power away from them.

I'm glad that you're heading back in the right direction.

Everyone's said it so well, but also wanted to add my to all the others, Kymaro!

That's a loving family. Mine wouldve just called that police.

Thanks every one. It's comforting to know I'm not alone. And ur right it's not who I am but what I expienced, thank you all for being here for me.

Thanks for sharing Kymaro. It must have been terribly frightening. I'm glad your family looked after you and that things have settled.
Also glad that you did post on the forums - we do care and worry

Hope you are doing much better now, you are truly blessed to have such a supportive family, thanks for sharing your experience with us, it must have been really scary.

awwww! that was a nice story! good to know u r better