[Kymaro]

Hi everyone - don’t mind if you just read, no replies are needed. I'm simply writing for my own thoughts. I have found that writing things out for others to view seems to take away the impact on me. So trying it out again.

So where am I? I've been avoiding myself for the past couple of weeks. It's been productive, got everything done I needed done, helped others feel better (physically - emotional), even made a terrible day into a funny story. I know all these accomplishments are real, but they sure feel like a great story. Just that, a story, nothing real. Yet, every morning I wake up, face the world and do it all over again. I know I'm just going through the actions of a normal life, hoping that pretending will make it all real. Why do I do that? Should I continue that?

In real - I cry when I'm alone, see a monster in the mirror, and I hurt. I've worked hard at not being alone, keeping busy and taking pain pills so I can't feel the pain, and making sure the make up is on just right to hide the monster. But I'm tired. I'm so tired.

I feel like I'm walking on thin ice with a hook in my back attached to a rope carrying the weight of the world on it. I keep looking down, I can see the ice cracking and I just keep moving forward - further from the edge of dry land where I know it's safe. I don't dare look back, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to see all the broken ice behind me, afraid that I have to admit there's no chance of going back, I've came to far now and you can't see land. I'm to far out. Nothing left to do but keep pretending, keep moving forward. If I stop now I will fall. Sink. Sink into what ever is pulling at me. The lies of pretending.

I talked to my therapist about this and he asked if I was depressed. I can't really tell? Am I? I don't want to be depressed; I really don't feel that way. But I'm lonely here in this place. I'm looking out at the world, looking from someone else’s eyes. So where are mine? Is this really who I am? Have I pretended enough that I can't tell the difference any more? I don't want to deal with the monster, the pain, the crying. I don't want to found. I like it here. People are thinking, "the medications they are working, look she is so beautiful, so happy" All they see now is this successful nurse, a good mother, a sexy wife. When is this all going to come crashing down around me? When is the reality of whom I am going to bleed through my costume?

Lets just pray the weather doesn’t change and melt the ice.