[bekthar]

I'm new here and the past few months have been very rough on me... diagnosed with bipolar freshman year of high school (2007/2008). Been on Abilify since 2008, 15mg max. Stopped taking it for about 3 weeks this past summer (2010) because I felt numb and my creativity was hindered. Went manic. Haven't been stable since. Considered inpatient therapy in September but got mono in October, which also prevented me from taking the Abilify (throat too painful to swallow all types of medicine). Thought things were looking up when I got my college acceptance in December (Early Admission! So no more worries about applications.) but it's kind of gone down since then.

Let's see... haven't been eating right at all - my appetite wanders between not wanting to eat anything and eating anything that makes me feel good. Sleeping schedule is totally messed up - I take loads of naps and wake up a lot during the night. I can't focus on schoolwork, which is really bad because I take three AP classes and I'm taking five AP tests in May. I'm a good student, normally. 4.0+ GPA and headed off to one of the best engineering schools in the country this fall. And I even self-injured a bit, something I gave up back in late 2008 and hadn't done in over a year.

I had a therapy appointment (I'm still not used to the abbreviations here XD) in mid-February with my T, Ann, as I usually do once every two weeks. Broke down - something I don't normally do. Told her everything. She called my dad in since she was so concerned about me and told him that if I don't get my medication fixed, I'd most likely get to the point where I'd need hospitalization. I'm going through a "Major Depressive Episode". Have been for the past six months, and I haven't even told her half the stuff going on in my head during the fall. He agreed with her, so she set me up with a local nurse practitioner who specializes in bipolar disorder; her name is Laurie. Had to wait two weeks for that appointment... but at least one of those weeks I was on winter break so I didn't have to worry about schoolwork. The other week back I was completely dysfunctional. Ended up in the guidance office or nurse every day except Wednesday, which I didn't go in. Haven't been functional enough to go to most of my classes (except Physics, which is my happy place, and occasionally Calc and World Religions).

Saw Laurie last Monday morning. She put me on lithium, 600mg. Got blood drawn before I went in to school. It's Thursday now. I've only taken the lithium once since I keep falling asleep. I had a good day yesterday in school - made it to all of my classes except first-period Sociology. I actually thought it was going to be uphill from here. But no. Slept terribly last night and couldn't even shower this morning before school. I was so irritable that I screamed at my mother when she asked what I wanted for breakfast. Went to guidance this morning and broke down in the adjustment counselor's office. They're being so patient with me but nothing's helping. I mean, this is better for me than being in class, but I'm scared everyone's getting exasperated with me and that I'm wasting everyone's time. I don't know what I'm doing with myself. I try so hard, I write down everything I owe and I plan to do it but I get home and I'm so exhausted from trying to function through the school day that I can't do anything. I don't want to do anything. Adjustment counselor has written notes to all my teachers about making up work, and most of them (especially my AP teachers) know that I'm bipolar and know my situation.

I'm just so sad and frustrated and angry with myself for not doing better. I need help. I feel alone because I'm in a high school full of spoiled brats who have no freaking idea what it's like to live with a disability like this. I don't know ANYONE else who is bipolar. I volunteer as a staff member on another help site for teens, but even there it's hard for me to relate when the large majority of teens on there are undiagnosed or seem to be trying to get attention rather than help. I need support and to know I'm not alone... if you read all of this thanks, I appreciate it so much.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((((((bekthar)))))))))))))))) Gosh, you are just having a time of it. I'm so very sorry that things are so hard right now. Please hang in there. I hope they are able to get your meds straightened out very soon. I'm so glad you found us here at Psych Central and I hope you will find some good support.

Please take good care.

[Kymaro]

Hang in there....One of our worst critics is ourselve. It's tuff, but your not alone. We are all here for you, through good and bad times. It's hard to say give it time, when the rest of the world isnt capable of waiting for us. Keep on truck'in....sounds like your strong and have excellent will power. And you sound like you have a great support system... U CAN do it.

[wing]

Once your meds get straightened out, you'll be able to think more clearly about your situation and see the bright side...all you have accomplished so far leads me to believe that you can conquer and live with this illness. It doesn't have to hold you back at all. You're on the right track with your self-care. You have a mature outlook on life. You'll get through this and back to the person you used to be soon.

[Lauru]

(((((((Bekthar)))))))

When I was in high school I had undiagnosed bipolar. My OCD started in the 7th grade. The bad thoughts and severe depression was debilitating. I felt like I was the only one with these problems. I tried so hard to keep anyone from finding out about how I really felt. I thought I was "crazy" and didn't want to go into a hospital.

While it is very tough to live with this disease, let me say that I have found a measure of peace, moments of joy, and love. I have a great job in my field that pays well, and I am doing great dealing with the stresses of everyday life. I also got my BA degree. It took me 8 years to get it, but darn it, I did it. I did it being very sick and going in and out of hospitals.

So I guess I'm saying don't give up, there IS hope. Things can get better. It is possible to live a full life with this disease, it's just harder for us than others without a mental illness.

Sending you all my support. It gets a lot better after high school.

[bekthar]

Thank you for all the support, guys. It really means a lot to be new here and come back to this post to find people who really understand and care. I know I have friends who care, and some of my family who cares, and a boyfriend who even understands to a degree, but the support from people who've been there and back just means the most right now. Knowing that I'm not alone and that other people can conquer this, too, gives me hope.

Today was a day off from school due to an in-service day. I didn't do much of anything... was on the couch all day with my laptop and the television. Though I did manage to bake a very delicious cake My parents, on the other hand, were upset with me for my "laziness". I hadn't done anything for them (i.e, empty the dishwasher or take out the trash or change out of my pajamas) so my dad was all, "Well, next time she wants something from us, don't do it for her."

It was so frustrating and disheartening. My dad is the only one who knows I am depressed right now - he heard it straight from my therapist, picked me up early from school one Tuesday because I was so distraught and unable to concentrate, brought me to my doctor's appointment, and brought me to get blood drawn right after. I figured he'd be more understanding for once, instead of all "Get off your *** and do something!" I guess he thinks that because I'm on medication now, I'm IMMEDIATELY going to get better. After taking lithium three times.

My mom, on the other hand, puts all of her energy into being fervently adamant that I am not bipolar. I was actually hospitalized freshman year for suicidal ideation/attempt, and when I came downstairs screaming that I was going to kill myself and needed help THAT MINUTE, she decided to get into a screaming match with me over whether or not I was REALLY suicidal and, if I was, why I couldn't just keep my bedroom door open so she could "keep an eye on me". Then she was all, "Ugh, let your father deal with this" and he took me to the crisis center downtown when all she did was say, "I need to lie down." Now she spends her time finding ways to oppose my treatment, such as making snide remarks about whether or not I "really need to be seeing that woman" (i.e my T), dissuading me - and even "prohibiting me" - from taking medication, refusing to pay co-pays, and even asking questions such as "You think you're bipolar?" "Where did you get this idea?" when SHE BROUGHT ME TO BE PSYCHOLOGICALLY TESTED FRESHMAN YEAR AND WE HAVE CONCRETE RESULTS ON PAPER THAT I AM, IN FACT, BIPOLAR. What's really ironic is that she's so fervently against my treatment, even though she's been in rehab three times and was treated for PTSD, bipolar, depression, schizophrenia, etc. This isn't exactly an "out-of-nowhere" diagnosis for me... it runs in the family.

This is very, very, frustrating and hurtful. I have to go around her to get treatment, which makes things complicated. My first doctor appointment was almost cancelled because she didn't know about it and got the call confirming my appointment. She has no idea I'm on lithium - when I was on Abilify and needed a blood draw, I couldn't tell her because I was so scared she'd make me go off it because of the extra work she'd have to do. My T is trying to find something for her to read so that she might actually believe this and know what she's dealing with when it comes to me.

But it's doesn't just complicate my life. It really, really hurts to be invalidated by my mother like this. It's the main source of our inability to get along. And obviously I can't cede to her on this issue, and I can't really see any compromises I could make without jeopardizing my treatment. I also can't keep her out of my treatment life at the moment, because she provides the funds and transportation (I've tried job searching and I have way too much anxiety to drive right now). It will be quite a bit easier when I go to college (I'm going to be two hours away and my parents will hate making the drive to New York), but I know the best thing for me would be to get her on my side.

[kathleen slattery]

Hi Bekthar, I'm new here too, and I didn't know anyone else who was bipolar either, except for a girl who doesn't officially want it to be known that she's bipolar, so I never raised the subject with her.
I've had this thing for 8 years; it ruined my life for 6 due to bad meds, and I quit the meds for one year to see if I could straighten myself out - it worked, but unfortunately I did have another episode, so found out that they're right....you have to take meds. I am very frustrated myself about having this, and I know how you feel. I don't want to give you any "advice" in case it's not what the professionals would recommend; except to ask you could you perhaps start seeing a psychiatrist instead of a nurse practitioner, and maybe up the therapists appointments to once a week? I find the therapy sessions invaluable, and you know it's someone to turn to when you are down and just need a helping hand as well. You are in my thoughts and prayers that you will be able to cope with this; and all I can say is that I know how it feels. Good luck with your exams, and do your best to focus; as it's so important to try to keep up your grades and get your career going!

[unico]

I'm very sorry your mother is so invalidating, bekthar. My bipolar started when I was 18 with a long hypomanic episode, then I sank into deep depression. My mother thought I exaggerated my mental illness and my relatives all hated me for awhile after a suicide attempt. I got some nasty letters. I hope that your mother comes around and comes to see that you have a serious condition. She must be in denial for some reason... I hope that you can get on medication that works and helps. It took me a long time, but my current medications help a lot.