[NuckingFutz]

I just recently made a big move and a lot of lifestyle changes. I am staying with my sister for a few months until I get a job and settle in. I'm half way across the country from where I was, I quit smoking (and that was hard), I have my cats staying with a friend until I get an apartment, and their house is really, really loud (I get over stimulated easy).

The other night when my sister came home, she went immediately to the sink and started yelling about a bowl being in the sink (this is a woman who cleans up around the house before the maid gets here). I was upstairs in the bathroom while listening to my sister yell, while my nephew had the tv on and it was just announced that Osama was dead. I yelled down to my sister and I said "wait, hold it, I was in the bathroom and didn't get a chance to put it away". I had also been building up a lot of emotions because I haven't had therapy in over a month because when therapy is available to me is when my brother in law has poker or bowling. So I finally just yelled, you know, something is very wrong in this house right now, there is a lot going on and my nephew who is "cognitively challenged" was running around upstairs on the phone yelling "you suck, you suck, you suck" over and over again while I was trying to concentrate on something.

My sister and I hadn't spoken in like 3 days until she finally got me alone and said, why are you so angry? So I told her. I said I am just under a lot of stress and pressure and it was building up and I haven't had therapy and I just blew up. Then she said point blank... "well, I feel really scared right now because how do I know that you won't come down the hall and threaten my family with a knife". I was taken aback because I felt that was totally out of context.

She also wanted to know why all of my friends are bipolar and why bipolar has to be so central in anything and everything that I do in my life. I tried to tell her that I can be friends with people that are not bipolar, but it's a lot easier to talk to people who have the same illness and understand. I can't make her understand how central bipolar can be. Do any of you all ever feel this way, or am I just out there?

I also feel like I have behave, look, eat, and not smoke exactly the way they want me to because "they care" when I really feel like it's because I am living under their roof.

I am also working for my brother-in-laws business posting 300 - 400 postcards on an auction site similiar to ebay for sale. For this I get room & board and $100 a week. This job is suppose to be part-time. In order for me to keep up, I'm having to do it full time. Because the rest of the time, I am suppose to look for a real job. The unemployment rate here is 15%. So far it's been a challenge. Last night my sister and I made up (we didn't really resolve any issues because she doesn't understand but I can tell she really feels like we made progress...I just conceeded to what ever she wanted). On top of all of that she gave me a book for fun to read as if I had extra time.
To me, SHE is the one that looks like a crazy person trying to wear a mask of normalicy.

Anyway, I know this is a long rant, but I just really, really feel powerless when I feel like I am "suppose" to feel greatful for everything.

I need some kind of help and support through this... I have a couple more months of doing this and I was just hoping someone could help me out a bit please?

Looking forward to any and all replies.

[Rohag]

Not all of your friends are bipolar; at least one of them is unipolar.

Congratulations on quitting, and may you and your cats be reunited soon!

[NuckingFutz]

Thanks... you brought a smile to my face!

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

I just recently made a big move and a lot of lifestyle changes. I am staying with my sister for a few months until I get a job and settle in. I'm half way across the country from where I was, I quit smoking (and that was hard),
Congratulations on quitting smoking - I quit in September and I know how hard it is. Keep up the good work!
I have my cats staying with a friend until I get an apartment, and their house is really, really loud (I get over stimulated easy).

Awww you must really miss them

The other night when my sister came home, she went immediately to the sink and started yelling about a bowl being in the sink (this is a woman who cleans up around the house before the maid gets here). I was upstairs in the bathroom while listening to my sister yell, while my nephew had the tv on and it was just announced that Osama was dead. I yelled down to my sister and I said "wait, hold it, I was in the bathroom and didn't get a chance to put it away". I had also been building up a lot of emotions because I haven't had therapy in over a month because when therapy is available to me is when my brother in law has poker or bowling. So I finally just yelled, you know, something is very wrong in this house right now, there is a lot going on and my nephew who is "cognitively challenged" was running around upstairs on the phone yelling "you suck, you suck, you suck" over and over again while I was trying to concentrate on something.

That sounds like an extremely stressful place to be in.

My sister and I hadn't spoken in like 3 days until she finally got me alone and said, why are you so angry? So I told her. I said I am just under a lot of stress and pressure and it was building up and I haven't had therapy and I just blew up. Then she said point blank... "well, I feel really scared right now because how do I know that you won't come down the hall and threaten my family with a knife". I was taken aback because I felt that was totally out of context.

Seems very inappropiate for her to have said that to you - she may have her own issues dealing with her son and she's taking them out on you unfortunately.

She also wanted to know why all of my friends are bipolar and why bipolar has to be so central in anything and everything that I do in my life. I tried to tell her that I can be friends with people that are not bipolar, but it's a lot easier to talk to people who have the same illness and understand. I can't make her understand how central bipolar can be. Do any of you all ever feel this way, or am I just out there?

Have you ever given her any literature or information on what Bipolar is, or information for family members of people with bipolar - maybe she needs to be educated? I did this for my parents, my sister and more recently my husband and it definitely helped.
you may also want to stop sharing with her so much detail about your friends and their issues and your personal life - it might just be easier that way. She doesn't need to know everything.

I also feel like I have behave, look, eat, and not smoke exactly the way they want me to because "they care" when I really feel like it's because I am living under their roof.

Do you have access to a car so you can get out and have some "alone" time or even to just go for a walk on your own?

I am also working for my brother-in-laws business posting 300 - 400 postcards on an auction site similiar to ebay for sale. For this I get room & board and $100 a week. This job is suppose to be part-time. In order for me to keep up, I'm having to do it full time. Because the rest of the time, I am suppose to look for a real job. The unemployment rate here is 15%. So far it's been a challenge. Last night my sister and I made up (we didn't really resolve any issues because she doesn't understand but I can tell she really feels like we made progress...I just conceeded to what ever she wanted). I've done that with my sister too - sometimes it's easier On top of all of that she gave me a book for fun to read as if I had extra time.

Can you put something together to explain how much time you are spending on the work for your bro-in-law and how much time you really need to look for a job and sit down and explain it to both him and your sister. Tell them how much you appreciate what they are doing but you really want to get out on your own and would appreciate their support in helping you do that - it sounds like they are taking advantage of some very cheap labor.

To me, SHE is the one that looks like a crazy person trying to wear a mask of normalicy.


Anyway, I know this is a long rant, but I just really, really feel powerless when I feel like I am "suppose" to feel greatful for everything.


I need some kind of help and support through this... I have a couple more months of doing this and I was just hoping someone could help me out a bit please?

Looking forward to any and all replies.

I really hope you can get out of there soon and on your own.

[NuckingFutz]

Thanks Moonbeam... you sound like you really know what I am going through. I am doing a lot of the stuff you mentioned... getting out a bit (don't have car yet, but sometimes just a walk helps).

The postcard, bording & care thing is kind of delicate, they feed me, their house is really nice, she's given me so many nice things (2 coach purses that I didn't expect). I think it's about having different values... I'd rather be poor and free than walk around in designer clothes and not feel free. This I need to work on as far as finding a job... I have a good feeling about it though. I think this will be a work in progress.

I am going to the Cosmopolitian Hotel & Casino tonight to just enjoy getting out and seeing everything...I'm not a gambler, but I love to people watch. I think that will take some stress off.

I really appreciate the feedback... I don't feel so crazy now.

I think her comment about me threatening her family with a knife is just something bizzare she would say... I remember in the past how she use to worry and blow things out of proportion and when she would say them outloud, they would sound crazy.

Sigh...

I'll keep everyone posted on how things go.

[Elana05]

Hi Nucking,
Good to hear from you...
This does sound really hard and I see what you mean about your sister being the crazy person trying to wear a mask of normalcy. Often when someone really doesn't want to see a very real type of issue like bi-polar I wonder if they are suppressing something themselves? I think of my dad who can't tolerate my talking about my feelings but who I'm sure suffers from undiagnosed depression. It sounds like with her excessive cleaning maybe she is hiding her fear of losing control. (?) Do you have any time in the evenings? Maybe you could find a group meeting? I have found a lot of help from ACoA meetings, as a place to go and be with other like minded people and just talk. But maybe there is a bi-polar support group? The nice thing about these is they're often free or take very a small donation. Sending many supportive thoughts your way...
Elana

[venusss]

She also wanted to know why all of my friends are bipolar and why bipolar has to be so central in anything and everything that I do in my life. I tried to tell her that I can be friends with people that are not bipolar, but it's a lot easier to talk to people who have the same illness and understand. I can't make her understand how central bipolar can be. Do any of you all ever feel this way, or am I just out there?

I gotta admit I have problem with this. It should not be central to you. Even with my PC friends we discuss our mental issues like... 10% of the time. It does not good to dwell on it. Bipolar should not be your identity. Just because somebody shares the same issue with you does not mean they will understand you in other aspects... Do they have the same world view? Do they like the same things? I think this is much more important than having the same diagnostic label.

[mgran]

I think I can understand though why people often find it easier to talk to others on the same spectrum as themselves. Schizoaffective isn't the centre of my life, but it's a relief for me sometimes to discuss it with others who aren't going to stigmatise me, or blame me, or make me feel like a burden. It would mean a lot to me if I could get my family to understand... so far I think my brother is the one making most effort to "get" me.

But when people are newly diagnosed, or very symptomatic the illness they suffer from can be hugely important, whether it's scoliosis, asthma or bipolar/schizophrenia etc. That's why there are so many patient support groups... including this one.

I agree we have to get past it and define ourselves by something other than our illness. But isn't it hard to do that when your own sister thinks you're a knife wielding maniac? Facing that kind of prejudice is going to make it very hard for Nucking to trust the neurotypicals of this world.

[venusss]

But when people are newly diagnosed, or very symptomatic the illness they suffer from can be hugely important, whether it's scoliosis, asthma or bipolar/schizophrenia etc. That's why there are so many patient support groups... including this one.

I have scoliosis and spend three summers in sanatorium with it. Talk about our screwy backs with marginal. and when i talk to people i met there now... we don't talk about our backs... unless we have something dislocated at the moment.

Before the insurance companies put end of in, you could go to "spa" here with problems. My mom and grandmother were there few times and there were two groups of people. One happily walked on the colonade, enjoyed the beautiful city and meeting new people. The other sat in the house most of the time and talked of their symptoms. Guess who had enjoyed the spa more?

Just saying. Life is much more beautiful that way.

[thinker22]

NF: I heard the same kind of things from those who don't understand BP. They only heard what they've seen on TV about psychotic maniacs. They think I might be a threat to other people, so I say, "I'm completely harmless to everyone but myself." That's a way to say that we do go through intense emotions without speaking of sui, but implying it, while letting them know you have no stomach for hurting others. Our emotions make us turn inward. Like "Why do I feel this way? I'm so grateful for all the good things in my life, but I can't stop feeling depressed." It's a chemical imbalance. It was triggered perhaps early in life (for me) or at adolescence or whenever...that's why many of us have PTSD as well. We are genetically pre-disposed to it, add in trauma and the brain transforms, quits sending you happy vibes or sends you too many for days on end. That's something only a fellow BP person can relate to. So don't worry if your friends all have BP or some other mental illness. Once you get on the right meds, into an exercise regime, and social activities, such as a new job, you will find you need less and less support on sites like this one. It's always nice, though, to come on and help other people once you're doing well (as I am for the most part). You've been through a lot. Ignore your sister if she doesn't want to get it and just work on getting your own place. You are loved unconditionally here. I know your personality from your many posts and you are the last person in the world who would try to harm anyone else. We don't have to stay in the victim mentality, although we must face the facts that we have been victimized. This isn't something we asked for to get out of doing things. God, my depression was so bad at times I just wanted to die to relieve the pain. I'm only on disability for as long as I need it. Once I graduate from college (if I ever do), I will look for a full time job or at least 20 hours a week and get off of DB. But then, I wouldn't be able to afford the meds that make me stable if I no longer got state insurance and Medicare and Medicaid. So I'll try to work more so I can pay the premiums and co-pays once I am done with school. Right now I have too much on my plate with working one day a week and going to school twice a week. You will get stronger as you continue to plan out your future. I believe in you.

Firstly, nucking'! It's a real challenge having a major change! It's great that you are doing positive things for yourself to manage (like walking etc) and working towards getting a situation that is more comfortable for you!

Originally Posted by thinker22

...They think I might be a threat to other people, so I say, "I'm completely harmless to everyone but myself." That's a way to say that we do go through intense emotions without speaking of sui, but implying it, while letting them know you have no stomach for hurting others. Our emotions make us turn inward. ...

Thinker, I say almost the same thing! "I'm waaaay more of a threat to myself than I ever would be to anyone else". Media portrayals are extremely frustrating. Don't get me started, because that's a whole 'nother thread(!)

Anyhow... NF, I'm sorry your sister thinks your whole life revolves around BP. I don't think it does and I don't think you do either. Heck, I've ready a lot of your posts! Neither does this site. By a long shot. It's fun to make connections over common interests of everyday life. And that happens here. A lot. For me (and I'm sure many others), this is a place to connect to the world, especially when we have a very small world IRL. Our dxs may be what brought us here, but it isn't what keeps us here. It's the wonderful people, regardless of any dx they may have. And you know, really, it's nice to have a place where we aren't seen as our dx, but as whole people. That can be hard to find IRL, and it's nice to have others who understand not only our struggles, but the fact that we are so much more than our dxs. And that we can really let it out and know we are understood. And cared about.

NF:" I can't make her understand how central bipolar can be. Do any of you all ever feel this way, or am I just out there?"
No, you're not out there. And yes, I feel that way too. Even in not defining myself by it (of course!), it gives me understanding into how I got where I am, and what I need to be aware of in proceeding. It's a core understanding that can help avoid repeating mistakes of the past (I was dx'd after about 25+ years of mayhem).

NF: "I'll keep everyone posted on how things go."
Please do! (Sorry not to have made better use of the on/off quote toggles... )

[mgran]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

But when people are newly diagnosed, or very symptomatic the illness they suffer from can be hugely important, whether it's scoliosis, asthma or bipolar/schizophrenia etc. That's why there are so many patient support groups... including this one.

I have scoliosis and spend three summers in sanatorium with it. Talk about our screwy backs with marginal. and when i talk to people i met there now... we don't talk about our backs... unless we have something dislocated at the moment.

Before the insurance companies put end of in, you could go to "spa" here with problems. My mom and grandmother were there few times and there were two groups of people. One happily walked on the colonade, enjoyed the beautiful city and meeting new people. The other sat in the house most of the time and talked of their symptoms. Guess who had enjoyed the spa more?

Just saying. Life is much more beautiful that way.

Just out of interest, how is your back? I have a young friend with scoliosis, she's doing very well after her operation. At the moment she talks about it a lot because she's coming to terms with perhaps the biggest thing that's happened in her life so far. I'm hoping she'll talk it out of her system soon... she already seems to be talking about it less.

My husband, on the other hand, was seriously disabled, in multiple ways (paraplegic, constant unremitting pain, kidney failure, only quarter of his intestine left after major operation, catherised, etc etc) and he barely talked about his illnesses at all. He was someone who defined himself by what he did in the world, by his family, by his passions. I agree with you Venus, one hundred percent, that that's definitely the best place to be in, and I think all of us can get there. But as NF has experienced, it's hard when your family turn against you. I'm sure that as time goes on things will improve ... thinker and innerzone also make some really good points. And as I say, I agree with you, we should all be aiming to outgrow our diagnoses.

[NuckingFutz]

Thanks for the support all. I shifted my support network around a bit...I sent an message to my sister-in-law just to get a prospective on what IS actually going on in this house. She said plain and simple, my sister and brother-in-law are great people for helping me get a new start (and they are), but my brother-in-law is very controlling and to use my cell and not their home phone as my brother in law listens in. I also thought I might have to use my own laptop and my neighbor's signal to keep messages like this private. He means well, but I am a private person. Tomrrow night we are going to the Las Vegas support meeting which I found out about through someone on here. They even have a group for families of those with bipolar.

I got back on the project I was working on for my sister and we changed some things up so that it will run smoother and be less errors. I hope it works. Tonight she needed me to drive her to the drug store... I did this without a license (still waiting until my appt on June 1. I passed the written test, so I considered tonight's driving a good practice run. It also made me feel more independent.

I keep my counsel when my brother-in-law says something where I just want to bite his head off, I figure, as long as he's good to my sister, which he is, that's major because she's more than just a sister to me. I do have boundaries though and I will stand up for myself. Sister even validated that getting into a "debate" with him, can take energy that sometimes I just don't have... my take, like the military, "do not engage the enemy". I know he's not the enemy but I am, I feel, on the road to handling the transition to Vegas much better than I have.

I will keep everyone posted.

[NuckingFutz]

Well, you see, the thing is, not all my friends are bipolar... only 2 very close friends. The rest are not bipolar. They just assume a bunch of stuff about me. They are very critical of me. And I hate it when my brother in law makes sexual harrassing statements about my chest. I live under his roof and I feel like I have to do what they say.

I no longer trust my sister. She didn't read the literature I gave her. I inserted the following text "many bipolar patients experience **** leakage while taking their nightly medicine". She said she read the info, but she surely would have mentioned that.

I feel like I am the sane one and she and her hubby are living in denial in their own little world. They act like idiots sometimes and having an adult conversation with them is almost impossible.

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Well, you see, the thing is, not all my friends are bipolar... only 2 very close friends. The rest are not bipolar. They just assume a bunch of stuff about me. They are very critical of me. And I hate it when my brother in law makes sexual harrassing statements about my chest. I live under his roof and I feel like I have to do what they say.

I no longer trust my sister. She didn't read the literature I gave her. I inserted the following text "many bipolar patients experience **** leakage while taking their nightly medicine". She said she read the info, but she surely would have mentioned that.

I feel like I am the sane one and she and her hubby are living in denial in their own little world. They act like idiots sometimes and having an adult conversation with them is almost impossible.

He makes comments about your chest???????
So wrong and inappropriate! does he do that in front of your sister? The next time he does it can you ask him if your sister knows he's looking at your chest?

Totally hysterical that you inserted that text into that literature....i'm sorry she didn't read it though....can you bring it up and ask her if she did and tell her "if you have any questions, let me know" and then maybe she will after that. Maybe she just forgot or she does have that weird family to be dealing with.

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this...hopefully you can get out soon!

[NuckingFutz]

Ah, reread the threads. You see, the thing is, not all my friends are bipolar, nor do I talk about bipolar at all. These are 2 things that my sister has yet again assumed about me. I guess I could have been more specific when I wrote that. I have a problem with my sister assuming things (doesn't matter if she is right or wrong). I have just stopped talking to her about my bipolar all together.

There was a meeting the other night for people who are bipolar as well as a meeting of friends of bipolars... they put me off of the meeting for about a month because it was either poker or bowling night. Then the meeting night moved. Last Wednesday I have them the address to the meeting and the time. They wanted to leave at the time the meeting started so I reminded them when the meeting started. Then they put the address in the directional finder in the car. Well, when we got to where the GPS device said, it turns out we were 14 miles away from where we were suppose to be. When they went into the store on the way home, I picked up the GPS and found that there was NO zip code when they put the address in. We all know it requires a zip code to get to the right side of town. I asked them about this and they became very defensive... I guess I just don't understand.

[mgran]

I'm so sorry! It sounds like a very painful situation to be in. You'll feel a lot less vulnerable when you're not under their roof. Your brother in law commenting on your chest? That's vile. It's embarassing enough when you're on anti psychotics if they make your chest bigger, and you start lactating, without some numbskull passing comment. URGH!!!

[NuckingFutz]

Just checking in. Things are a bit better. Sis is more open/accepting about the bipolar and we are making great progress, brother in law is of the "chuck all your meds school" because he seems real ignorant about my symptoms. Telling me I should just "think positive". I was like, oh really? You wanna see me living under your roof with a sudden sessation of meds? I sincerely doubt it. I don't even talk to him about bipolar anymore because I become defensive.

I do not like it when people who are not qualified give out medical advice.