[ScooterBug]

I tried posting this in the relationship forum and no one even replied ... maybe you guys can help ...

ok ... I'm usually posting on the Bipolar forum, but I figured this question was best here in the Relationships forum.

My partner (I would say husband, but we're not legally married) tends to be the type to bottle up anger and then when something small happens he blows up.

He is a paralegal and works with tough cases and even tougher lawyers as bosses. So at work he gets told what to do and asked to go here... there ... do this .. that ... and can't tell them anything in return.

Once his work day or work week is over he really does not want to hear anyone (me especially) asking him to run errands or do much since it's all he hears at work. (which I understand)

I am currently pregnant with our first son and am due in 5 weeks (July 9). I work from home (under the table) and have to use my cell phone all day long as well as our laptop. Today after working for only 1 hour my phone dies so I plug it in and it just wont charge.

I had gone to a midwife apmt earlier and used up my lil bit of gasoline, so I email my partner and tell him that we need to get my phone checked or buy a new charger. I also said if I had enough gasoline I would go myself, but I don't want to risk being stranded with no gas and no phone while 35 weeks pregnant away from home.

He replied that we would go after he gets out of work. I thought everything was fine. When he got home to pick me up and head out, he was fuming. He takes me to the Sprint store, the closest one was 45 min away and closed at 7pm giving us only a 15 min window to take care of the problem. He refuses to get out of the car and so I wobble into the store and try to get help.

We have been tight on cash due to baby preparations, so when the clerk told me I had to pay 30.00 for a new charger and I did not have it, my partner almost had a conniption. He said we can get a better deal at Radio Shack and drove like a maniac over there. All to find out the charger was 26.00.

Now, we get home 26.00 poorer and he is steaming mad at me for not having enough gas in the car AND making him spend money when we don't have it. He is refusing to eat dinner and is locked in our office smoking and watching TV and avoiding me.

I don't know why this is making him SO mad ... It's nothing I was able to do on my own or anything I had control over. So, I opened the charger's packaging as careful as possible and went online (ebay) and looked for a deal. Found one plus a car charger for 5.88 including shipping!! I asked my sister to order it and once it arrives I will repack the one we bought and return it to Radio Shack.

What was I supposed to do? Should I have handled it differently? This is not the first time he gets all angry at me when asked to run an errand, even when it doesn't even involve any money!! He has admitted that he needs to control his anger and not let the small things get to him. BUT he refuses to see a therapist or talk to me about his day at work to at least let out some of his issues.

I am more worried about him losing his patience with our son when he's born. He's not a violent man what-so-ever and never even raises his voice at me, but just him being angry and pushing me away hurts enough.

Any words of wisdom? I'm sorry this was so lengthy, I just need to figure out what I can do!!

Thanks!

[dragonfly2]

Well, you certainly were in a bit of a bind. I think this may have been a small series of unfortunate events and a big inconvenience, but your partner's response to it is concerning. Men are funny about emotions sometimes - my husband is sort of like your partner. He'll sit and stew about things and then get mean and sarcastic. He's in therapy, so he's working on it, I think, but old habits die hard.

It sounds like your partner is quite stressed - and not just about the demands at work. Money is tight and there's a baby on the way. He may be worried that he can't support you guys, that you won't be working after you have the baby, medical bills may be piling up, you've been struggling emotionally...it all adds to the pressure cooker. Unfortunately, things are only going to get more stressful after the baby is born and the lack of sleep sets in. I know you said he's not willing to see a therapist - would he be willing to see his regular doctor? Maybe he/she could help in some way? All of this pent-up anger may be affecting his blood pressure. You could tell him that you know he's under a lot of stress lately and you're concerned about his health. I think putting it in terms of "stress" and "physical health" makes it less threatening to some men - less of seeming like they are weak in some way (which we know isn't the case, but some people can't see past that).

Unfortunately, you can't change him, nor should you be forced to walk around on eggshells - though I know that's easier said than done. I would give him his space when he gets like that, and make sure you're taking care of yourself and that baby. Have you been able to talk to your therapist about this? She/he may have some suggestions as to what to say to him when he's like this, or how to approach him about getting some help. Would he be willing to go to a session or two with you? (In his mind *he* wouldn't be seeing a therapist, but you could still get the benefit of having one talk to him. Sometimes it's all about perceptions.)

Above all, you need to feel safe. I know you said he's not a violent man, and hopefully, it won't come to it, but if he does get violent, do you have somewhere to go? Do you have other local supports (family, friends, church, etc) to help you when the baby comes? If not, then now is the time to try to establish that, before you have the demands of a newborn on your hands.

I don't know how else you honestly could have handled the situation. You needed the cell phone for work. Could you have used a land line for a day or two? Stuff like that happens. It's just life, but it's the little stuff like that that can be someone's last straw. He needs to talk to someone before it gets worse. It may be up to you to be creative to get him in to see someone.

Not sure if that helps at all, but just know that I know how you feel and it's not an easy position to be in.

On a side note: have you had a chance to contact that perinatal psych nurse? Right now your number one job is to keep yourself healthy.

[ScooterBug]

Dragonfly ... Well, I have tried asking him to come with me to therapy ... he's not really into any Drs. He has not even gotten a physical since college!!

I did talk to him though the next morning. I let it all out without even thinking about being soft or easy with words. By then I was beyond worked up. After I said how I felt he had nothing to say at all. He went and bought us breakfast and just tried to keep me happy all day.

I am planning on talking to him again tonight ... we never came to a solution and you're right he needs to take care of this now before the baby.

We are tight on money right now because my job has slowed down, but it's picking up soon and since I work from home and do my own hours, I will be able to work after baby too. I was just given a new position so once I start on it I can make 1000.00/ week which will make everything better.

He is just the type of person to worry about everything even the things that are "what ifs" ... I think I'm going to be a little tougher and tell him he has to get some help or things will get ugly.

The good thing is that as long as you can show him a good "case" he will listen and think logically. I just have to gather all my "evidence" and present it to him.

Thanks for replying!! And no, the psych nurse said she can't help me with meds only therapy and I already have an awesome tdoc. The high risk pregnancy specialist said she will contact my pdoc and go over my files and get back to me after she discusses it with my pdoc. It's been over a week now and have not heard anything back. On a positive note, I have been taking vitamin B12 as a suggestion from my midwife and I feel 'normal' ... well, as much as a pregnant woman with bipolar can be.

I will keep you guys posted!! *hugs*