[Meruddyl]

I have been nonfunctioning since i got fired from a job for "not being all there" in may. This has really shaken my confidence. In the past at other jobs ive been told to " be more present" and asked if i was depressed. This really hurts because in my mind i was trying as hard as i could and doing a good job. Im now considering going back to school even though ive crashed and burned in the past because of debillitating anxiety and undiagnosed bipolar II. Going back terrifies me but im crashing and burning at the salon jobs ive been working at for the past two years anyway. So ive been in bed and on the couch since may. My family and boyfriend think the zyprexa ive been taking since xmas of this year zapped my personality so i stopped taking it, although when i was taking it i had less major depressive episodes (crying for hours wanting to kill and hurt myself trashing the bedroom trying to break up with my bf every other week holding back tears at work). I stopped taking it two weeks ago and have been crying almost every night since. My boyfriend kicked me out because i didnt pay him rent this month. He still calls me everyday sometimes two or three times but i really resent him for kicking me out and often dont want to pick up these calls. I called him in the middle of the night two nights ago because i couldnt stop crying and begged him to let me come home. He said no called me a psycopath (bc we got in a physical fight and he has scratch marks all over his arms and bruises on his chest from me) and told me ive been dragging him down. Lately hes just been telling me what a lazy brat i am all the time. He just doesnt understand that im sick. I really want to break up with him but im not sure if its just because im off my meds. Does anyone else have experience with wanting to push away those who love you when your hurting most? Its so confusing bc i go between needing him and wanting him out of my life. Any advice on the work situation? I need a job but feel like i cant work right now bc of everything im dealing with. Also it looks like seroquel is the next med i am trying... Anybody with experience with this one? Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

Hi Merruddl, and welcome to the forums. (Made it reading that far? Of course! )

Curious who prescribed the xyprexa. For anxiety?? You say you have undiagnosed BPII, which kind of brings us back to the prescriber/who is diagnosing you. Have you/they considered Borderline? A bunch of stuff you describe seems to fit. We can't diagnose on here (of course!), but it does seem like something to look into. I've never taken Seroquel, so can't speak to that, but many here have experience with it. Always important to remember that different things work for different people, because we are all... well, different!

For the work and/or school, that is hard, and I'm sorry you're having a rough go. I've crashed and burned with school before too, so I understand your concern. Is it possible to take a class or two to keep it less stressful and see how it goes? Maybe one class and a part-time job? No matter what you do, it would of course be very helpful to be able to get more stabilized. No doubt about that, and I hope your provider and you can come up with something to help achieve that.

Maybe if you pick one thing at a time to decide about, it will feel less overwhelming -- you don't have to do it all at once, so try not to pressure yourself to. Personally, I'd try to sort the meds thing first, as it would help put your mind in a better place to deal with the others.

Hoping you feel better soon, Meruddl, and can sort some of these things out!