[espritlibre]

Hi everyone,

It's my first time posting and I wasn't sure which forum to go for (they need one for "general mood disorders"!) so I'm going to put this post in a couple that seem appropriate and hope that that's okay!

I find it hard to make sense of the various issues that crop up for me; sometimes it seems like they're lots of individual symptoms of one big thing, and at other times I think there are several different problems going on. When I try to separate them, I generally come up with three:

1) Depression
Probably the most 'mainstream'. When things are really bad, I can't get out of bed, I can't do anything. I feel completely numb and it's almost impossible to get through to me. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I can't. I pretty much drift in and out of sleep to a point where I can't fully tell whether I'm actually awake or not. At the worst point, I stop eating/drinking - essentially because it seems to help with the numbing. It's not a suicidal thing; the fact that it's potentially dangerous doesn't really register with me at the time.

2) Anxiety
Can crop up out of nowhere, but sometimes comes attached to the depression (they 'take turns', so to speak). A need to get away from everyone around me as quickly as possible, sometimes a pounding heart, and generally ends with me being unable to cope and 'running away'. If the anxiety comes out when I'm alone, the best way to describe it is like a panic attack without the hyperventilating, if that makes sense? It's all internal, that feeling that you're suffocating and going to die, but there's nothing specifically happening on the outside.
The anxiety is something I actually have under control when I'm at work - I can go through the process of panicking without it showing outwardly.

3) The odd episodes
Never been sure what these are. I speculate, obviously, but I'd rather hear what someone else makes of them rather than me giving my thoughts. There are times that I feel out of control, and hyped-up. I noticed them particularly this year and they seemed to come just before a big crash, almost as though my mind and body were going into overdrive to escape the crash. I'd find myself agitated physically (tapping foot, not being able to sit still, etc), moving around a lot, talking, moments where I couldn't stop laughing, etc. But they never lasted a really long time, barely a couple of hours that I really noticed, and then they'd be followed immediately by a huge crash. I think I may be making them sound more than they are, becaue they really are very brief in nature.
The one that stands out for me was shortly before the Easter holidays. I originally viewed it as a 'hyper' episode followed by a huge crash, but I'm not sure it was a crash. It's hard to explain:
Thursday night - out for drinks with work. Conversation quite outrageous, revealed a few things I'd never intended to. (could blame this on alcohol, obviously)
Friday - was hungover but barely noticed it. I had a headache, dry mouth, etc, but it was just like some secondary detail. We had a training day at work and I was just buzzing. I couldn't stay in my seat, I was wandering around with no shoes on because my feet were hot. I dominated our table, wouldn't shut up, and had several moments of hysterical giggling.
We went to the pub after work, which normally I enjoy, but something switched in my head and I didn't want to see or talk to ANYONE. I just wanted to leave. I literally sat in silence for an hour. Got the bus to town with a colleague and my head was racing more and more. I thought about throwing my bag at him (as it would have weighed me down) and making a run for it. He left me at the bus stop for my bus home and I had to steady myself. Got on the bus, head still racing, and was thinking, "It's okay, once I get home I can just kill myself. I'll take all my sleeping pills and then everything will stop". And I was vaguely aware that I didn't really want to kill myself, but I was desperate for everything to stop. When I got home, I'd changed my mind, and then thought I'd just cut myself until everything in my head stopped. I do cut occasionally, but I had it in my head that I would really go for it, just keep going until everything stopped. I had a fantasy (not really the right word, as I didn't want it to happen) where I'd go too far and have to call someone to say I'd had an accident. In the end, I didn't overdose or cut myself, but I did decide that to focus all the racing thoughts in my head I would e-mail somebody who had recently upset me and our friendship had gone stale. I sat at the computer for several hours (in the middle of the night) composing this e-mail, and it was several pages of A4 by the time I was done. I went to bed but didn't really sleep, then got up the next day and raced around getting stuff done - except I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. I had a ton of appointments (it was about 8 weeks before my wedding) but I relied on my mum to tell me what I needed to be doing from minute to minute, as I just couldn't remember. Barely slept again the following night. I think things settled down after that.
There was a different 'episode', several years ago, but I'll save that for another time as I think I've rambled on enough!!

Sorry for the essay-length post. I suppose basically I'm interested in hearing from people with anything similar to any of the symptoms above! Haven't really spoken to others about this before...

[Sophia57]

This sounds like classic bipolar II to me. Although I am NOT qualified to diagnose. Do you have a pdoc. If not take this to your family doc and get him to read it. You might need more help than you are getting.

Sorry you are struggling.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks for sharing. I've just glanced over your post, and a lot of what you mention does sound like BP II to me.
Are you currently on any psych meds? Can you talk to a professional to help you?
Therapy may also be a good starting point if you are anxious about meds and docs.
But if it makes you feel better, you are not alone

[espritlibre]

Thanks for your replies. BPII has occurred to me, but I always feel that mine isn't 'extreme' enough to qualify. For example, the 'hyper' states don't last very long at all, and often I don't feel 'elated' as such. With the example I gave before, the racing thoughts were actually highly unpleasant to cope with.
I've only recently been to see a doctor, which was very difficult. He's referred me to Health in Mind for an assessment, which should be coming through any day now. I have looked at their website though and one of the things they can't help with is bipolar - typical! But maybe they can advise...