Loss if interest... but not really?

Okay, so I have not been doing all the great lately. I managed to pull myself out of the darkest place, I mean... I have will to live still, but...

... things have been strange since I came back to Brno (my University town). I been took a dip down. And while I do enjoy school and enjoy seeing friends... the moment I get back to my dorm, I am low again. I read intesting text and it occupies my head for a bit. I engage in debate in class, but than I come to my "home" and... there I am again in this hard to define place.

Not sure what to make out of that. I am not looking forwards future. It will be finishing my school and than endless job applications and rejections. Maybe I can find a job that will pay the mortage (I so want my own place! I would go crazy in IKEA... but what for? what does it matter?), maybe even something were I can self-realize. But what for?

I guess I just don't feel fullfilled at the moment. It all seems that we live, we do stuff, we die. Some time ago I wrote in poem where I said "we always knew/that things will come to the end/so in meanwhile/we distracted ourselves with pretty things." I feel I am distracting myself with pretty things.

I pray, look for good omens, but what if all this is a bunk? What if there is really not deeper meaning, what if there is not sense to existence?

Glory to heroes!

HATEFREE CULTURE

I'm afraid I have been on the journey, looking everywhere for the meaning, but I got off, decided this was it. I can make up my own meanings, and that's what I do. I think I had a few religious/spiritual breakdowns before I came to my decision. I was not ready for another one.

but if there is no purpose... than why? I am too intelligent and I guess too spiritual for mindless hedonism and for chasing materialistic pursuits.

I have moments when I am alive and it between... I am either sad/blue, or there is just nothing. Maybe numbness. Emptiness. Or plain boredom? Maybe that is normal not to feel much and just live away.

Why just can't I be able to enjoy the... things in life for longer? What more do I want from life?

Glory to heroes!

HATEFREE CULTURE

I do not partake in mindless hedonism or chase materialistic pursuits. I don;t believe it has to be an all or nothing. But I follow what it inside rather than looking for something on the outside, or something in a book, or something someone can teach me. In spiritual regards I want to teach myself from what is inside me. Incase I wasn't very clear on that.

I did not mean you. Just life in general.

I cannot find the purpose inside... it has to fit within the world. And spirituality is just a small part of it. I also have my own spirituality... but at times it does not seem enough.

Just want to feel alive more often.

Glory to heroes!

HATEFREE CULTURE

hmm. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. You want it to be different, change it.

That is not what I am talking about. Being different and changing. I quite like Venus. Except the times I am using my intelligence and acquired knowledge against myself.

So in a way you are right. I need to stop thinking the stupid thoughts, need to stop deconstructing reality when it doesn't help and instead... keep my mind occupied by something more useful. I can do it, damnit. Just for some reason there are times when nothing captures my attention for long enough.

And maybe be... and live with purpose... against all odds.

Glory to heroes!

HATEFREE CULTURE