[Elyria]

It has been about 6 weeks now since the "episode" (one night stand after a night of binge drinking while DH was out of the country and Hypomania or mania had spun out of control.)

I keep spinning my wheels trying to figure out how this could have happened. I got diagnosed as BP, okay, but how did I end up being, for so many months, someone so completely "other" to myself... that I don't know.

Has anyone else ever come out of a manic state to find they were a person they didn't recognize at all? If you met me, you would think "nice, normal, suburban soccer mom" (or some variation, depending on your feelings towards suburban soccer moms). I don't drink to excess, I don't swear in front of my kids, and I decidedly do not engage in inappropriate flirtations with men. I adore my husband and my kids, and I try to be the best to them that I can....

But for months, I was a total beast to my husband - verbally abusive, argumentative over the smallest things, and angry about sex most of the time. I capped it off by starting the habit of going out alone for hours and hours, and finally by drinking with a supposed "friend" and having sex with a total stranger in someone else's back yard within hours of meeting him at a bar.

Literally the next day sometime I felt like I was waking from a nightmare. All the emotions that had been missing for months were back -- I remembered how much I love my husband and my kids, and I literally spent hours crying the ugly cry until I couldn't breathe. Then I had to wait for DH to come home before I could tell him what had happened -- which I confessed basically the moment he walked in the door. (After he had been on an international flight for 5 hours, followed by an hour drive home from the airport... so he was already exhausted.)

In the weeks after, I got into a tdoc and pdoc and reviewed what I now realize have been "episodes" from the rest of my life... but never anything this terrible and destructive until now.

DH can't sleep, he has anxiety attacks all the time, and basically has told me he just keeps picturing me with the other guy over and over and it is wrecking him.

I keep apologizing. It feels like it happened to someone ELSE, and I know it bugs him that the reality of it can't seem to settle into my brain. That's not exactly true... the reality of it has settled in, just not the reality that this actually happened to ME. It is so opposite of who I know myself to be. How do I integrate that? How do I help him to move past the physical act of the infidelity and realize how much I do love him -- and that, while this event has changed almost everything, it has not changed nor lessened the love I have ALWAYS felt for him, even if I couldn't touch that love while I was manic?

Has anyone else been through anything like this, and can you offer any advice that could help him? He has a tdoc, but I don't know how much he has really opened up to him about this part of things. He keeps asking me how is he supposed to move on from this, how is he supposed to get his shattered confidence back or his self-respect. I don't have any answers for him, and I keep falling back to the stupid position of "maybe you get out while you can", even though that is the LAST thing I want him to do... because I don't know what else to say, and I feel like I am bleeding internally whenever I face how much I have hurt him.

When this happened, I was not yet diagnosed... his tdoc compared it to eating ex-lax cookies without knowing it... I explained it this way...

It's like I went to a party and someone gave me a glass of orange juice. They didn't tell me there was vodka in it, so I drank 3. Then I drove home, knowing I felt odd but not knowing why -- after all, all I'd had was orange juice, right? Then on the way home I crashed the car into somebody's house. I knew I felt off, I SHoULD have known I should not have been driving, but I didn't know there was vodka in the orange juice and my judgment, including my judgment about my judgment, was impaired so I drove anyway. Right into a crash.

I really am at a loss for what to do. His general practice doc gave him a prescription for ativan, which he took a few times... but about the 4th time he took it he was in what I can only describe as a hypnotic state for hours the next morning. I had to walk him through an email to his work saying he would be taking the morning off, and then took him with me to our son's dentist appointment. It was hours before the effect wore off, and it so terrified me (AND the kids!) That he agreed not to take it any more... but now he can't sleep, or when he does he wakes up between 1 and 3am and can't get back to sleep so he wanders the house.

I am running out of steam to try to hold things together; I am a few weeks into meds now (seroquel and lamictal)| and they are finally beginning to help, but I still find there are a lot of triggers around. The first night I told him about the infidelity he was suicidal and I have been paranoid ever since and jumpy as a cat at any indication he is in that dark place in his head again.

Please, please... has anyone been through anything or have any advice that could help us?

[porcupine2]

I'm just a friendly listening ear that can always be counted on to throw my 2 cents in My first thought may seem cruel, but DH has to come to terms with his own feelings about what happened, the deed is done and there is no way to take it back. It is not your responsibility to help him come to terms with it. This is something he needs to find within his own self. Continue to be there for him as reassurance but keep the focus on yourself primarily. The meds are beginning to help you and the healthier you are the healthier you can be as a couple strengthening your relationship. I hope it works out for you both....and using this forum is a good place to start.

[Elyria]

Thank you for the reply.

I know that he has to take charge of his healing, and he is doing his best to do that. The sad fact is, though, that - manic though I was - I caused him this pain. He is my husband, and I adore him. I am doing my part to seek stability for myself and our marriage and our family, but I also want to be there for him and help him as best I can. It is hard. I am totally horrified by what happened, and by my behavior the past months.

It is worse because, at the time, I DID NOT KNOW I WAS MANIC. I didn't even know that I could be -- and it wasn't until this final piece fell into place that I was able to be, finally, properly diagnosed. Before this I was labeled a depressive and ADHD. Go figure - seems to happen a lot.

If anyone has been through this and was able to get past it and salvage their relationship, I would really like to know how they were able to do it and how they helped their SO get through it and out the other side to a good place.

Thanks.

[Detach]

Unfortunately, I can not help with your specific issue, however I dealt with the guilt and shame of a serious suicide attempt. I work as a nurse, I have a son and husband. I usually am relatively normal when stablized- no one could understand how I could be "quote on quote", so selfish.

It was bad enough that I had almost died, but then I had to worry about everyone else's feelings and thoughts on the issue. Finally, it just was too exhausting, I could only say "sorry" so many times and I decided with the help of my Tdoc that they had to work it out themselves and if I didn't allow this then, I would most likely get ill again do to the stress of it all.

You did the right thing by telling him....he knows you're sorry AND he knows you were sick. You were acting out of your normal character and he knows this, I honestly just think it's going to take time for him to heal.

If his sleep is disturbed he should ask for a sleep aid like Ambien or Ambien Cr (extended release). He may also have to temporarily go on an antidepressant to control his anxiety. Some regular MD's just give ativan, cuz it's easy, but looking at the big picture Ambien and an antidepressant seem like better options to me.

Sorry I couldn't help more....

[ohlala]

You didn't know you were manic and he (your husband) didn't know you were manic. Now you both know and are in counseling to deal with it. You're on meds and have a diagnosis. These are the positive aspects. Manic episodes create a lot of havoc in a variety of forms. Work with your P-doc and T-doc and individual and couple counseling to address the infidelity. At best, it will take a year or more for your husband to regain trust providing you are stable and proactive in your treatment. To cut to the chase (in my experience) the sooner you and he realize the mania was in control of you and you were not controlling "it" the sooner the healing will commence.

[unaluna]

Do you think or do you realize you were still manic when you confessed to him? You did not have to tell him; telling him could be seen as more hostile and destructive to the relationship than the actual one night stand itself. Yes, it is too late to change that now, but if you imagine what it would be like if you had NOT told him, how YOU would be feeling now (besides relieved), it might give you a better perspective about what he is going through. You (and others here) kind of keep saying, well HE JUST HAS TO blah blah blah, and you are let off the hook because you were manic? Except that you dumped the responsibility for YOUR feelings on HIM, instead of YOU feeling bad about what you did and dealing with it on your own? And then deciding LATER whether or not to tell him about it, when you were not manic, and when you had resolved your own feelings about it. So essentially I am saying, I think you still have your own work to do on this, and when he sees that, he will have an easier time of it himself. That is the best way to help him, IMO. BTW, sincerely not throwing stones here, and I wish you both the best.

[Detach]

Originally Posted by hankster

Do you think or do you realize you were still manic when you confessed to him? You did not have to tell him; telling him could be seen as more hostile and destructive to the relationship than the actual one night stand itself. Yes, it is too late to change that now, but if you imagine what it would be like if you had NOT told him, how YOU would be feeling now (besides relieved), it might give you a better perspective about what he is going through. You (and others here) kind of keep saying, well HE JUST HAS TO blah blah blah, and you are let off the hook because you were manic? Except that you dumped the responsibility for YOUR feelings on HIM, instead of YOU feeling bad about what you did and dealing with it on your own? And then deciding LATER whether or not to tell him about it, when you were not manic, and when you had resolved your own feelings about it. So essentially I am saying, I think you still have your own work to do on this, and when he sees that, he will have an easier time of it himself. That is the best way to help him, IMO. BTW, sincerely not throwing stones here, and I wish you both the best.

Hankster, I disagree with you! You say you weren't throwing stones, but I counted a slew of stones thrown....
What would be hostile and more destructive to their relationship would be to lie by omission and not say a word, have sex with her husband 10-20 times, tell him she loves him over and over and THEN tell him....that would be cruel. He would feel even more betrayed if he wasn't told the truth up front.

I see how you feel she put it all on him, however nothing can be worked out or worked on while a deep secret lay only in the dark corners of her mind...

Also, mania IS a legit reason why people behave in ways they would not normally behave, whether it's because of being compelled to do it, distorted thing, irrational, not being able to see the consequences, acting impulsively, shall I go on??

It's not about her or anybody else being "let off the hook", all negative behavior while manic or not has consequences and she is facing those consequences at this time. My point to her was that she can only do so much to help him....it will take time to heal, process this information and put it into context that yes she was manic, therefore mentally ill during this infidelity. She wasn't being the "normal" soccer mom he knew and loved when this happened.

During manic episodes people have committed suicide, gambled or shopped away life savings, called every member of their families to tell them they hate them, had sex with multiple partners whether married or not, etc, etc... I'm sure these people weren't thinking ...HHmmm let me see what I can get away with today. Give me a break!

[unaluna]

I'm just saying, look at how the issue could have been handled in a non-manic state, because infidelity is not bipolar. Infidelity does not have to be confessed, per Dr Phil, for example, if the only reason for the confession is to assuage one's guilt. What good does it do to tell? (This is not my idea, yell at Dr Phil! I just happen to agree with it.) And Elyria says she "woke up" from the mania the next day, when she told her husband? I question that, and ask her to re-examine her state of mind and motivation at that point in time, that's all. If she was angry at him for a period of time, bipolar or no, how was the marriage working before the infidelity? I meant "besides relief" honestly, not snidely or sarcastically. Believe me, I have taken my lumps for my own random acts of weirdness. Thank you for the opportunity to clarify, I know I'm being annoyingly subtle here, if that's the right word.

[ohlala]

Originally Posted by hankster

I'm just saying, look at how the issue could have been handled in a non-manic state, because infidelity is not bipolar. Infidelity does not have to be confessed, per Dr Phil, for example, if the only reason for the confession is to assuage one's guilt. What good does it do to tell? (This is not my idea, yell at Dr Phil! I just happen to agree with it.) And Elyria says she "woke up" from the mania the next day, when she told her husband? I question that, and ask her to re-examine her state of mind and motivation at that point in time, that's all. If she was angry at him for a period of time, bipolar or no, how was the marriage working before the infidelity? I meant "besides relief" honestly, not snidely or sarcastically. Believe me, I have taken my lumps for my own random acts of weirdness. Thank you for the opportunity to clarify, I know I'm being annoyingly subtle here, if that's the right word.

Hankster, I think you (and/ or Dr. Phil!) have some good points there and I agree...At the very least, one doesn't "wake up" from mania.

[Elyria]

Originally Posted by ohlala

Hankster, I think you (and/ or Dr. Phil!) have some good points there and I agree...At the very least, one doesn't "wake up" from mania.

When I say I woke up the next day, I literally mean woke up from sleep. Emotionally I had crashed. I knew that much , though I was not educated on mood shifts at the time because I had never learned anything about BP. I had 2 days of anguish before my husband came home - he did not return the next day, and when he called home our conversations were brief and strained. He said he could tell at that point that something was wrong.

In those two days I called my oldest friend who is also a doc and lives far away. I cried for hours on the phone and kept asking her how this could have happened, why did this happen, how could I have done his, etc. She has known me for 20 years and was beside herself with shock. She also said that, were she in my husband's position, she would not want to know if her husband had done this.

My husband and I have always had a uniquely honest relationship. He may even say I am too honest with him at times, but hat is how we are. He has already stated that if I had done anything other than telling him the moment he got home - if I had delayed even an hour - he would not still be here.

Telling him was the hardest thing I have ever done. It did not assuage my guilt; It multiplied it. Seeing the grief and horror on his face at that moment, watching him crumple to the floor, those images burn into my brain. They are made all the worse because the act of the infidelity was so pointless!

The rage issues for me kicked in to high gear after the miscarriage in April and my behavior was becoming more and more erratic. Under that now, but at the time I just felt like I was crawlin out of my skin and I HAD to "get away". One day this meant I went downtown and walked all day. I probably walked 10-15 miles, alone, in a major city all day. I ended up at a guerilla art group drinking wine and painting for 3-4 hours, then getting a ride back to the train station with some girls I had just met. For someone else this might not seem out of the ordinary, but for me it was like a trip to Mars.

Anyway, I digressed there, but the point is I can pretty clearly see the difference between the manic phase, depression, and "neutral" now. I am hovering between neutral and depressed now and have bounced back and forth for a few weeks, with the occasional foray into manic anxiety. Maybe rapid cycling? But telling my husband about the infidelity was NOT a manic act. It is the one thing I can be sure came from my heart because I felt that every moment I delayed became a lie. He feels the same way.

What I am looking for now is a way through. He has decided, at least for now, to stay with me. We are creating rules and boundaries - mostly him creating and me accepting. I take my Meds - period. No alcohol - period. No going out in the evenings for now, and when I do go again it is always to be with a trusted friend who knows my rules and agrees to help me abide by them. etc etc.

Beyond that, I know he needs time to heal, as well as the proof it will provide that I am committed to getting stable and working with my treatment. I am also trying to find more that I can do for him, and maybe find out if anyone was successfully able to keep a marriage alive for the long haul after something like this...

[Detach]

Elyria,
My father-in-law is not Bipolar, however he had cheated on his current wife 10 yrs into their marriage with his ex-wife. He had only told one person about this and they kept his secret for many yrs, but then this person (not me) felt so guilty for knowing his secret that they told his current wife what he had done. She met him at the door after he got home from work screaming and raging that she wanted a divorce, while she hit him repeatedly. She said it was bad enough that he cheated, but then he didn't come clean about it and now she was done! He begged for her forgiveness and said he only wanted to spare her her feelings and thought he had done the right thing- she disagreed.

Fast forward..... she did punish him verbally and emotionally for months and months, but then she decided she did really love him and wanted to make it work. It was rough going for quite a while, but in the end it all worked out. They've been happy married another 12 yrs or so since this happened.

Hankster, we're just going to have to agree to disagree on this one. What is it they say about opinions? Opinions are like ***holes, everybody has one...lol

[unaluna]

Elyria, thanks so much for clarifying. This past explanation puts things in an entirely different light. Your first letter sounded manic, this last one sounds thoughtful, which is all I was looking for. It gives a much better picture of what transpired, and it shows how you are backing up your words (that you love him) with positive actions, which is NOT putting it all on him. This is sounding more like the steps to a success story, with how you handled it, and what you're doing after the fact.

But hey - stuff happens. I guess he wasn't paying as close attention as he thought he was, if he "let" this happen in his life? - may be part of what he is dealing with now. I think coupledom is an illusion.