[theenemywithin]

I was dx with BP at the age of 14. Well actually at that time, in the seventies, I had an "acute schizophrenic episode." At that age, in that era BP was not a common dx for children. Finally after a course of Stelazine, offset with Cogentin, to address the side effects, my mood stabalized and I was tapered of medication and fared well for the next three years. In the cycle of things, as many know, another manic episode ensued; however this time I was correctly dx with BPI and started Lithium.

Still being and "idiot kid" and prone to bad decisions, especially those which could affect my stability, I bounced around in life, trying to find my place in a stable world, where I was a the part not fitting.

It took me awhile and a few hospitalizations to wise up. So relative stability has been my course for the last thirteen years. I know there are others like me out there, with the drive to find and hold onto stability, fit into the stable, yet hold onto the uniqueness, which results from battling this enemy.

I am currently a Licensed Social Worker, working in the mental health field. All of the individuals I work with are in partial care, with chronic MH dx's, such as Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder, MDD, and BP. They must have an Axis I dx to qualify for services.

It is very hard to to see these individuals suffer symptoms, some of which I have experienced, and to know all of the other factors/social history involved, wishing they had the tools and resources afforded to me.
I only chose this profession to help those, not so unlike myself to rise aove the ashes and see some light; however, success stories are not common with the population I am working with.

I have came a long way, yet I still struggle and fight for every step I rise. I know there is hope in support and I know each us is an individual with an illness manifesting itself differently, through our seperate likenesses, and we each have to find our way.

I am also an amatuer poet. Writing is an escape I have found useful to eleviate the stress life throws at me.

This poem may fit nicely with this audience.

Blessed Curse

The Fates impart upon my World---
The dimmest darkest haze,
But kindly in ironic Contrast---
Imbued a turbulent Blaze.

So I could view the Depths of Man---
In uneventful eerie forms,
And Breathe the Grandeur of the Earth---
On perception Above the Norms.

Unfair life, lived on a razors edge,
Where many are far for worse,
And to have the Extreme advantage---
Of this my Blessing, my Curse.

So "Fire and Rain"
I know so well.
Of "Desert Places"
They could not sell.

To hold in hand, empathy for Van Gogh,
The works of our Kind, of that I share---
Gesso Brightly, and Blue Michelangelo.
The Fire in this mind, will ever I fare.

For despite the Dim, there is the Wonder---
A tenuous tether clinging to life,
To grasp upon, when all fall asunder,
Now only a mere pane before the strife.

Hides, the colorful palate,
Locked, behind Straining skills Grow---
On desire, Purge the inside,
Breeching the Dam, letting prose Flow.

Take care and good health...TEW

thank you very, very much for posting. your poetry is so true and will mean so much to so many of us. xoxoxo pat

[theenemywithin]

Your welcome Pat.

I will leave another poem for the board before I retire.

Blue Pane

i see blue
and it pains me too
guess it may be a certain
point of view

it’s a melancholic sunset
the surface shimmer on the sea
the color of truth to me
the sad impression
and dread depression
feels blue
inside my veins
often pain is not so true
just mundane
and blue blue
thinking about the dark untrue
those lost to you
it does not matter
what you’re going through
you see blackness
i see blue
true blue