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I've been ok recently. Stressed about my new job and still struggling with some relationships, but my moods been stable and good.

I thought that my new years resolution was to try and simple 'be happier,' think before i make decisions, whether they'll help my long term health and happiness.

Sort my relationship with my best friend out.

His dad died recently, i'm constantly in a mental battle between,
"he needs me to be there for him, i need to not think about myself at this time and just be a good friend."
and
"Stop making excuses and putting off what you inevitably need to do, he doesnt need you any more, the relationship is never going to be what i want it to be, long term i will be better off, if i start to wean myself off him, and actually have some willpower and stop seeing him."

But yesterday i couldnt stop myself getting completely wound up about the situation. Its the first New Years Eve we haven't spent together in years, and i'm FURIOUS with him for that. I'm trying to hard to stop these feeling and to stop this, its like all this emotion is bubbling away and its all i can do not to let it explode. Me and 3 of my friends went out last night, and when the clock hit midnight we were all hugging and kissing, but as soon 'auld lang syne,' came on, i felt tears in my eyes, i went to the toilets and i cried, i couldnt stop, i just missed him SO MUCH. My friend Jodie came and found me, and cheered me up and told me off for missing him when he had the choice to be with us and chose not to.
He then text me at around 2am, saying he missed me and could we meet up.
I told him no, i wasnt ready to leave yet as we were having a really good time. which is normal. i then went on to delete his number and hang up on all of his calls. which is over the top.

Anyway, this morning, i re added his number and am sort of glad i deleted our texts, i often go through the ones from last year and cry over them.

I had a brilliant night with my other friends.

Today we woke up at my house and were all hungover so just laid about all day. Jodie and Liam went home about 2, and Kerri stayed, because i asked her too.

All day i've had this deep, creeping feeling of emptiness, making the pit of my stomach feel weird and making me feel sick. Then Kerri announced she was going home and i feel a bit down. Not really sad, but just really empty.

I dont know what to do about my situation with Robert, we havent spoken at all today. He doesnt deserve for me to just 'leave him,' and cut all contact.
But if i talk to him about it, he wont accept what i'm saying and it might upset him.
I can not have this relationship with him, watch myself go down the list in order of importance to him.
I understand, this all or nothing attitude is not the right way to think, but i honestly cannot help it, for the last year i have been trying to find a way to make it work out ok, but its not and being his friend makes my heart hurt, and it will hurt forever if we carry on like this.
At least if we're not friends i wont feel like a mug and i may one day get over this complete dependence and addiction for him.

I'm frustrated that i've been feeling good for a while and the day which i had been planning was going to be my 'put effort into being happy day,' is the day where i feel my mood start to drop.

WHY CAN I NOT CONTROL IT??

[NYCDoglvr]

WHY CAN I NOT CONTROL IT??

I think it's a process, certainly not a pass/fail situation. You've made big progress -- looking at your own feelings and motivations, questioning yourself. It's a good idea to compare yourself to yourself, not to other people. I think you're doing great!

[~Christina]

Relationships needs to be of importance to BOTH people or they just wont work.

Be kind to yourself and watch the movie " eat pray love " with julia roberts ,, It helped me put things in perspective

Good luck