[charo224488]

Hi Everyone,
My name is Leigh and I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder about 4 years ago. Before that diagnosis I had been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder at 15, panic disorder at 20, and depression at 28. I think they are probably all correct. I have been on medication for 20 years, everything from lithium and zyprexa to xanax and now just zoloft. I miss myself when I am on medication. I feel like the outside me on medication is a mask of stability and calm and joy, while the inside me remains sad and scared and uncomfortable in my own skin. As I sit here contemplating stopping my zoloft again, I wonder if I will be able to function off of it, which is really not an option for me as I have a young son and a husband and a job and a house and pets- I have to function. I just feel that life is so sad and why should I pretend that it's not? I don't know what I'm thinking most of the time. I know mania always ends badly but I love it; I love the energy and creative ideas and giddyness and I know that is irresponsible but it's so much better than the alternative. My mom, who passed away 3 years ago, was severely mentally ill- bipolar and borderline personality. Remebering my horrific childhood with her keeps me popping those pills- I would never want to hurt my son like she hurt me. But, as we all know, then the doubt creeps in and we wonder- would I be more successful off of meds, happier, more fulfilled? I can't remember what it feels like to be suicidal when I'm not, or manic when I'm not, despite promising myself that I won't ever forget the feelings again and keeping a journal. The journal entries seem like a different person to me. Anyway, here I am. I'm not looking for anything special from this site, maybe just to meet some good people and have someone to talk to and maybe I can help someone, too. After so many years of this I feel like kind of an expert. So thanks for listening.

[tutitaylor]

Hi Leigh! Glad that you decided to join us! I understand where you are coming from. I have bipolar and generalized anxiety. I am like you I just keep on taking those medications because I know that is the right thing to do. It keeps me well. I still have my bad days as well as good. I look forward to getting to know you better. Tuti

[Trippin2.0]

Hello and a heartfelt WELCOME to you! I've no doubt that you'll make plenty of good friends among us, we're quite a close-knit family

[finonaey]

welcome to pc. i get where u are coming from. for me it is always a battle with meds but i keep on taking them cause i dont like what its like when i dont.

[thelittlethings86]

Welcome!

[blue diamond]

Glad you found us Leigh! I'm new here too and already have found some informed and supportive people who are happy to help

[tnlibrarian]

Welcome! I'm glad you found us. The people on this board are incredibly supportive and it is a source of a lot of good and helpful information.