Dealing with severe anxiety, rage and depression

I'm new to this forum, and just learning how to use it. I tried posting the following in the "Anxiety" topic first, to little avail. It was suggested I try here, since I'm bi-polar. So here is what I posted there. Someone please help!

First post:

I have a serious problem and am not sure which topic to go to. I am/was married to a chronic, serious liar. he promised to support me, but has failed miserably. He gives me just a little money every once in a while, but he still says he loves me.

I no longer love him, but can't afford to dump him altogether as I can't live on SSI alone. He's a truck driver, and rarely is home. I just found out he has a fiancee in another town. We got a divorce so I could get SSI - it was not supposed to mean anything except legally. Now I can't even sue him for alimony.

I don't know what to do. I'm not young and pretty like i used to be.

Where should I go for help? I'm bi-polar and on 4 meds already. there's no therapy available at the clinic I go to.
I'm scared to death of my future. I have two dogs, a cat and a horse who depend on me. Two of the dogs and the horse are too old to find new homes for - no one would want them and it would break all our hearts to be separated after all these years together. My truck is breaking down and I have no money to fix it or get another one.

My friends say I should get on a match-making site and find someone else, but I am so depressed and anxious I don't think I could make a good impression. Plus, the number of men that interest me is few, and I'd likely choose a bad one again. (I've been married 5 times.)

Thank you.
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second post:

I've been up all night - can't sleep. i fell asleep at the computer, but when i lie down, all the hell of yesterday and what am I going to do starts running through my head.

Since my husband lies about everything, it's pointless to ask him what his intentions are - to marry his fiancee or stick with me. He'll only say what he thinks I want to hear or what covers his butt the best. So I'm left with wondering and waiting. I guess I could go sign up for the Yahoo Personals, but it costs money that I can ill afford. The freebie ad won't let you reply to anyone, ad won't let you list any contact info.

On no sleep, I'm rambling. Can't type, either. The anger and rage and depression is really bad.

I think he has worse mental problems than I do. His behavior is so erratic, so...insane....I wonder if he's schizo or bi-polar himself. He won't go to counseling, but I'm very tempted to tell him he needs to get a diagnosis. I don't know...I'm tying to find a place of center and balance, but it's not there. Three days ago he was engaged to some woman. yesterday he loved me (or said he did - he did come home, and at least brought a little money. Why would he boher to come back at all, after he changed cell numbers and disappeared for almost two weeks? He could have just disappeared forever. Three days ago he listed the other woman (if there's only one!)as a contact on a company doc; yesterday he assured me he would have me put on the list of contacts and change his address on the contract (for the lease of his truck with the company.) That's probably a lie - he won't do it.

My neighbor is telling me to "hone my wiles" and make myself more enticing, to get him to keep coming back and bringing money. I feel like a *****. I'm not good at being a vamp, anyway; I'm just an old tomboy country gal. A WYSIWYG.

"To thine own self be true".... what is true? What is right?

...I guess I'm in a hurry. I can't go on like this. I have to make a move, one way or the other....

Still don't know if I'm in the right topic for this.

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." - Albert Einstein

Hi, Mysterious!

Sounds like you're in a whirlwind physically and emotionally. If you're like me, your animals bring much joy into your life, but with limited funds, I understand a concern for keeping them fed. Is SSDI a livable income at all?

I'm not a good one to offer advice with relationships since I was divorced about 10 years ago and haven't been in a serious one since.

Hang in as best you can and please always feel free to send a PM to me.

i am so sorry that your life is in so much turmoil now. can you find a group of supportive people to be with? perhaps a co-dependency group? or a minister? keep posting here. we'll listen and always try to lift you up. i'm not very good on marriage advice. i divorced 16 years ago and do no dating, to speak of. don't trust men enough to invest much into it. xoxoo pat