[cocoabeans]

I don't know. Maybe I'm already somewhat depressed or just crazy and this doesn't lead to depression but, something in my brain clicks and I see the world in a different light and sense depression. I'm not worried about it, I almost like it, maybe it is familiar, comfortable and I'd like to stay in bed all day, maybe I want the freedom to self destruct, as if the end is free...it isn't like that long though, pure suffering comes next. It is like being on a roller coaster that pit in your stomach when you just begin to drop, but... It isn't a roller coaster, you're not safe. A bloody splat and crackled bone next. A feeling, not a literal jump. I'm not suicidal but, I would be by then.

I don't know what to do, part of me wants to just let go and suffer, lose my job, sleep all day, alienate my friends, give away any hope, I'm tired. I want to let go and another part tells me that's irrational. Like rational thinking fixes anything, just prolongs the wait. I have bipolar disorder and that means even with medication I'm going to go through another severe depression again and if I survive it again, right?

I'd think to fiddle with my meds but, my medications are holding on and holding me up. I want out, I want to go home, I'm tied up in the yard with masking tape and it is starting to rain.

I'm tired.

[blossom12]

Originally Posted by cocoabeans

I don't know what to do, part of me wants to just let go and suffer, lose my job, sleep all day, alienate my friends, give away any hope, I'm tired. I want to let go and another part tells me that's irrational. Like rational thinking fixes anything, just prolongs the wait. I have bipolar disorder and that means even with medication I'm going to go through another severe depression again and if I survive it again, right?

I'd think to fiddle with my meds but, my medications are holding on and holding me up. I want out, I want to go home, I'm tied up in the yard with masking tape and it is starting to rain.

I'm tired.

That is so eloquent cocoa. I am feeling your pain.

The rational thinking part- that is the part that keeps me from giving up.

I always tell myself, just one more hoop to jump through and then, then I can rest. If I looked forward and saw all the hoops in a row, well then I don't know how I would continue. Just think about it makes me tired.

I can relate to every word you said, because it's extremely familiar even the wording. Hopefully this isn't going to be one of those hoops.

[BlackPup]

There is nothing that I can say to make it easier but through the hard times I have tried to remember: THIS WILL PASS...