[blossom12]

I am reading "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison. I decided yesterday to tell someone about my diagnosis and how I feel everyday (gray to black) and how, because of that, I dont care about anything and have nothing to give to him right now.

Here is yesterday:
I recently told my bestfriend, after letting her think I am treated for "just" depression what my actual diagnosis is. I told my now ex boyfriend. Other than that, no one else, not even family.
Now, i am considering dating someone who has pursued me for over a year. I have recently told him I am depressed and went to a doctor and therapist. He does not believe in taking meds for anything. Anything at all.
I am going to tell him about being treated for bipolar. I have been in a significant mixed state for over a month now and am on a new med. It is important for me to tell him so that he will know before we get involved.

Last night we went out and I had no desire to tell him. He didn't express much interest in my thoughts and feelings, so I just said screw it. Why put it out there.

[roads]

Originally Posted by blossom12

I am reading "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison.
....
Last night we went out and I had no desire to tell him. He didn't express much interest in my thoughts and feelings, so I just said screw it. Why put it out there.

Hey, blossom. I'm so glad you've posted about this. It's a major issue for all of we bipolars, especially in the period immediately after our diagnosis.

I've divided your post into two parts, and I think you'll understand why. The book you're reading is by an amazing woman. She has been able to understand, accept in many ways, embrace to a large extent, and become a larger person after her diagnosis of bipolar disorder. She is someone who not only is able to tell a guy she's thinking of dating (your scenario), she's engaged on a non-stop Book Tour!

I'm no Kay Redfield Jamison & probably you're not either.

Now, you went out with this boy you were going to tell all to after the inspiration of Jamison's book but, sensing that he really didn't care about the inner you (much less the bipolar you), you said screw it.

Great gut call, blossom!

There are, for me, two truths about being bipolar:
--It sucks.
--It can get better, if you deal with it. Dealing requires lifelong work.

If you start talking to people when you're only dragging around in truth 1, you're not going to assure anyone that they're going to want to be around you. Say "bipolar to most people these days & they think Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen .

Give yourself some time with truth 2, & when you're relaxed with who you've become now start having those chats with folks you care about. By then you'll understand why for all of us who aren't Kay Redfield Jamison, we just never bring this stuff up with people we've just begun to know.

TMI? I'm sorry. PM me if I can help tho.

Roadie

[LiteraryLark]

You don't need to tell anybody. It's nobody's business but your own. Unless you're having an episode you don't need to go out telling the world. What worries me is that you're telling people who aren't significant in your life, yet you are avoiding your family. Family should be the most important people in your life. If you can't tell them, you really shouldn't bother telling anybody else. It really isn't anyone's business. It's not like you're hiding an STD or your sexuality from your partner, it's nothing special about you, it's just part of who you are and you should be accepting of that. It really doesn't matter if anyone else knows.

[Confusedinomicon]

Almost all my good friends, family, and boyfriend know I have bipolar disorder.

The secret, if you do decide to tell anyone, is not to make it a big deal. You have to reassure them that you are the same person inside and out. I haven't lost any friends because of this. I have lost friends because I have been not been as supportive or judgmental of them. Circumstances that I feel many people go through at various times of their lives.

[Rosie23]

I come from a very dysfunctional family. I have one brother who knows. The rest would tell me I am a nut case.

I have a couple of close friends who know and my kids know. Everyone else is on a need to know basis.

I have often wondered about the relationship part. But I have told myself that if I get to that, and they don't want to see me anymore because of it, then they were not for me anyway.

I will try not to look at it as a personal rejection. I am not unhappy as a single person so my life will not fall apart because of it.

[Me,Lately]

I have had good and bad experiences with telling people. Like one person said, I try to make it seem like not a big deal as much as possible.... However, when it comes to someone I'm dating, they have to know before we get serious because I feel like I'd be keeping something important about myself from them. Their reaction tells me a lot about what type of person they are, and if they are going to be "on my side" when I lose my equilibrium of sorts.

Side note: In my own opinion, having someone who is SO against meds in my life (while I myself am on meds) does not help me get through the hard times or support me at all. They lack any sort of flexibility in how they view my diagnosis, and it's really none of their business how I choose to get better.
Not sure if this makes sense, just thought it kind of applied.

[Me,Lately]

Originally Posted by Roadie

...
There are, for me, two truths about being bipolar:
--It sucks.
--It can get better, if you deal with it. Dealing requires lifelong work.
....

ALSO-- thank you for this, Roadie. Very true.

For me it's a mixed bag. Mostly I don't. Had mixed reactions on the few.

Romantically, I wouldn't do it right away. (Some people are TMI right off the bat, and it is very off-putting, regardless of content.) I'd do it when it looks like it's going somewhere. I put it out there fairly early, as I had another big confession whose time had come and figured I'd knock both of 'em out at once.

And yes, casual. It's just one of your facets, not the only one after all.

[blossom12]

ok, SO much excellent stuff here.

When I re-read my original post it didn't really flow here like it did in my head this morning. But, Roadie, having read the book, you got the jist of what I was saying. I never really considered telling people til recently. I was treated for depression from age 30 to 39 then for bipolar for the next 6 years. I have told family I am treated for depression. In part because of reading of Kay revealing she is bipolar to her partners, and in part because when I went to my first support grp and told them that I had never told anyone else, outloud, that I have bipolar, they were all surprised. So, soon after that meeting I told my best friend. She was surprised but supportive. My now ex-bf tried to be supportive, but gave up.

So, new guy- We dated a couple of years ago. We have remained friends over the past year and a half, and he wants to give it another try. So, it's not like I am considering telling a "brand new" guy. I am in this really depressed place right now and he knows that on a cognitive level, but he doesn't really get it or feel it and maybe he wont no matter what. I would like for him to have the knowledge now so he can take time to think about it and decide where he wants to go from here. I am not going to (once I am ready) get into a r/s with him and have to hide it like I did the last time we dated.
I want him to know that the depressed state I am in right now may and probably will happen again. And that while I am here, it is all I can do to get through the day without falling apart and so there is nothing left over for me to give. It would be great to have his love and support as either a friend or a partner, his call. But if it is too much for him, that is alright too.

[roads]

A really good thread you got going here today, blossom. It's one of the things PC does best I think--spread out a wide range of experience & opinion across a table for discussion and appraisal. You get to sort around among it, sample it all, take it home, change your mind down the road--whatever you want.

Thanks for the chat. Stay in touch, okay? Hope it works out well for you.

[BlackPup]

I tell early on in relationships. It is not something that I am ashamed of nor should I be. If I'm going to get an unfavorable response to telling then I would prefer it to happen early in the relationship.
I have been diagnosed for about 5 years it took me a while to get around to telling existing friends and family - because those are the hardest.
Remember that if someone responds unfavorably then thats their problem not yours.

[argv]

Originally Posted by blossom12

I am reading "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison. I decided yesterday to tell someone about my diagnosis and how I feel everyday (gray to black) and how, because of that, I dont care about anything and have nothing to give to him right now.

Here is yesterday:
I recently told my bestfriend, after letting her think I am treated for "just" depression what my actual diagnosis is. I told my now ex boyfriend. Other than that, no one else, not even family.
Now, i am considering dating someone who has pursued me for over a year. I have recently told him I am depressed and went to a doctor and therapist. He does not believe in taking meds for anything. Anything at all.
I am going to tell him about being treated for bipolar. I have been in a significant mixed state for over a month now and am on a new med. It is important for me to tell him so that he will know before we get involved.

Last night we went out and I had no desire to tell him. He didn't express much interest in my thoughts and feelings, so I just said screw it. Why put it out there.

I dunno, I was recently diagnosed so I wanted (and still kinda want to) tell everyone because it excites me and explains so many of my past behaviors that everyone thought was weird. If I was going on a date, I would want the person to know that I am moody, slightly irritable, but not to take offense, it's just how I am and don't try to cheer me up, just let me be if I get that way.

However, then I think it would become kinda weird, as this person may now think they have to walk on eggshells around you, and you don't want that. So I dunno, that is a difficult question IMO. I suppose you could get to know each other a little first, before dropping the bomb on them.

I try to make it sound like it's not a big deal, almost like saying I have ADHD or depression. By now, everyone thinks that they are, or know someone that is "bipolar" even if they're not even close. So it's become fairly watered down I think, but it depends on the individual and how they feel about the disorder or how much they even know about it, as most people don't know anything about it.

[blossom12]

Update-
I told him, in an email, so I could get it all out without all of the crying that has been going on lately. (back to pdoc today and added Nuvigil).
So the guy said something along the lines of he had an idea there was something like bipolar. He didn't seem to pass judgement. I mean he has known me for 3 years. He seemed ok in general. Glad I got it over with. I dont want the pressure of him expecting me to be able to put anything of me into a r/s right now.

[blossom12]

Today I got an idea of what supportive means to him. He said "you have so many things to be happy about, just be happy".

[BuggsBunny]

Originally Posted by blossom12

Today I got an idea of what supportive means to him. He said "you have so many things to be happy about, just be happy".

OMG! Just be happy. Sure, if it were that easy, most of us would be permanently hypomanic (the top of the world type.)

Just out of curiosity, what did you say to that?

[Confusedinomicon]

A lot of times, if they are going to become a SO, you have to talk to them and help them understand what you are going through.

My boyfriend has made some inconsiderate comments before, usually unknowingly.

[tnlibrarian]

I tell people when I have no other choice or it's a necessity. The priests at my church know and they've become a big part of my support system. The kids Godmother knows because I may have to ask her to help in the future. A couple we're friends with knows because we become guardians of their kids if something happens to them. My family and MIL knows. Other than a few other close friends--one of whom is also bipolar--nobody knows. It's nobody's business.

Blossom, I know it sucks when we get this kind of "support". I honestly don't think people mean to be sooo uggggh! I think they really just don't know what to say, so they say what they have heard. Sucky that mental illness seems to be something that one almost has to experience for themselves to really understand. I mean no one would say that to someone with a physical illness, somehow we understand that.

[nacht]

I think I told my boyfriend a month into dating him. I didn't want him to have any illusions about what he might be getting himself into, because I know I can be hard to deal with at times.

[blossom12]

Buggs- What I said in my head was F-U!
Next, I thought to say "Do you have a lack of knowledge (like, did you bother to read up on bipolar? ) or a lack of understanding??". I didnt say that.

But, I took some time and responded "if only it were so easy". He said "Oh, you can do it, I believe in you!". Then he said "look at me, I did it. You can too". (When he got divorced a few years ago, he had some situational depression.) I said "You get sad sometimes. I have bipolar". I ended it with "I appreciate your caring."

People are uncomfortable with the mental illness labels. He would be more comfortable thinking I am sad right now. He thought he was being supportive by saying what he did.

What I felt was invalidated.
My therapist asked me what does support feel like. When I go to DBSA grp, I feel supported there because they KNOW how I feel. They know it is real. They (like you all) are peers. Not onlookers.
Support is saying "I am here for you. What do you need?"

Telling me to just decide to be happy just pissed me off, but it is the best support he is capable of. To date someone who thinks I decide to be depressed or bipolar is to know I would be expected to forever "choose" to not have symptoms. And the sad truth is, no matter what meds I am on and whatever else I do, this will come back. I hope not severely, but it will come back.

[Me,Lately]

Originally Posted by blossom12

Buggs- What I said in my head was F-U!
Next, I thought to say "Do you have a lack of knowledge (like, did you bother to read up on bipolar? ) or a lack of understanding??". I didnt say that.

But, I took some time and responded "if only it were so easy". He said "Oh, you can do it, I believe in you!". Then he said "look at me, I did it. You can too". (When he got divorced a few years ago, he had some situational depression.) I said "You get sad sometimes. I have bipolar". I ended it with "I appreciate your caring."

People are uncomfortable with the mental illness labels. He would be more comfortable thinking I am sad right now. He thought he was being supportive by saying what he did.

What I felt was invalidated.
My therapist asked me what does support feel like. When I go to DBSA grp, I feel supported there because they KNOW how I feel. They know it is real. They (like you all) are peers. Not onlookers.
Support is saying "I am here for you. What do you need?"

Telling me to just decide to be happy just pissed me off, but it is the best support he is capable of. To date someone who thinks I decide to be depressed or bipolar is to know I would be expected to forever "choose" to not have symptoms. And the sad truth is, no matter what meds I am on and whatever else I do, this will come back. I hope not severely, but it will come back.

This is brilliant. It says so clearly what I have been trying for months to convey to my boyfriend, who tells me time after time the type of thing you heard... He takes offense when I tell him he doesn't understand my illness, because to him, what's there to understand? I'm sad, right? Not that simple, as we all know.
I LOVE what you said, "They...are peers. Not onlookers. Support is saying 'I am here for you. What do you need?'" This is so poignant and clear, sometimes all we need is for someone to listen, or just say "I'm here, you're not alone, you won't go through this alone."
Good luck with everything and thank you for being so articulate with something so abstract and emotional.

[blossom12]

Originally Posted by Me,Lately

This is brilliant. It says so clearly what I have been trying for months to convey to my boyfriend, who tells me time after time the type of thing you heard... He takes offense when I tell him he doesn't understand my illness, because to him, what's there to understand? I'm sad, right? Not that simple, as we all know.
I LOVE what you said, "They...are peers. Not onlookers. Support is saying 'I am here for you. What do you need?'" This is so poignant and clear, sometimes all we need is for someone to listen, or just say "I'm here, you're not alone, you won't go through this alone."
Good luck with everything and thank you for being so articulate with something so abstract and emotional.

Thank you Me Lately.

I have hardly heard from him in the last week, since telling him the diagnosis and how I am doing. He let me down as a friend, but it is what it is.

I have not had this kind of a long deep depression needing the support of a partner before. It must add more stress to the situation to have someone expecting you to carry on as normal and be the same old you while you are depressed.
I even read someone else say their partner preferred them in the hypomanic state because she was more fun.
Mine did too. I was happy, upbeat, hypersexual, confident, energentic, well, you all know what I am saying.

As for the author of the book An Unquiet Mind, she had relationships with men well educated in the psychiatric field and they could provide the kind of support she needed, that we all need.
I think for a regular person like me, it would be hard to find that person.