[Beebizzy]

Hello Everyone!

I've not posted on here for a while, but I've been following everyone's news every day.

I'm wondering what your thoughts would be on the following:

Here's the thing - I've been fixating big time on my bf and it's all entirely negative. For no reason, he's not done anything different than usual. It goes round and round in my head and I can't stop the thoughts. I get so angry but only in my own head, I never express it (I'm not famous for speaking up, which is part of the problem - resentment).

From about 4am I start brooding and picking and criticising (thoughts) and wondering if I should break up with him and so on. I'm not sure it's ever been 'right'. My brother is getting married in November and I am already stressing about bringing my bf to the wedding as he surely will find a way to embarrass me or I'll have to 'carry' him through the whole thing as usual. Urgh.

I'm being unfair and unreasonable. I haven't said anything to him on previous occasions or now (so of course it p*sses me off when he raises anything - I'm like 'do you have any idea what I've been putting up with?'). And I don't see how I can say anything now after 8 years, or what to say. I can't really say 'I'm p*ssed off because you did x, y, or z in the past' or 'I'm stressed out like hell that I'll be ashamed of you at the wedding'. Urgh. Not proud of myself.

Anyway, relationship advice aside (although that would be welcome too ), what's up with all this negativity? Why am I so intensely focussed on the bad stuff? I can't even think of one good thing. Why all the intrusive thoughts, like, now? I saw my pdoc last week and he did say he detected low-ness but no big deal and no change of meds. Although since that appointment these stressy thoughts have got a lot worse. Is this anxiety (took a Zanax this morning, thoughts are calmer)?

I sometimes wonder if us BPs share commonalities or characteristics outside of episodes? Do we have problems with things that other people don't, even when we are not in an episode?

Or is it just me?

Thanks for reading - it helps so much to write it out,

Beebizzy

[Ortus]

I tend do this also. I'm a bi-polar who enjoys psychology with a fiance who's ADD, OCD, and suffers from impulse control problems (and is a counselor himself)! I can stay in my head all the live long day trying to figure out what's impossible to figure out if I let myself. Negatives I can do easily, but mostly it's just projection and not reality in my case. Or painting past experiences with relationships onto this one. I'm trying to use mindfulness techniques to stop the thought patterns. This will help me experience the relationship for what it is day to day. Easier said then done. When I have the obsessive thought topic come up, I acknowledge it and envision it floating away. "Yep, there's that thought I don't want to think about. So off it goes". I might find myself repeating this over and over. But the point is retraining my thinking. It has helped with other thoughts that became obsessive in the past. Otherwise, I try and keep my focus on whatever it is I'm doing at the time being.

If the relationship is unhealthy. Being in the present while spending time together in this way (casting out obsessive thoughts when we recognize them) will be easier to see the quality in the time we actually spend with our partners. Or lack of. ;-)

[spydermonkey]

I.....wow. This sounds like what my SO might say to me if he ever learned to speak of his feelings....which he seems unwilling or incapable of doing. So I'm kind of on the other side but I also feel some of the things you describe....(resentment etc).

Maybe you've just reached a breaking point? There's only so long we can hold onto resentments before they start affecting our daily life.

Well, that type of negative thinking can certainly cause one to feel anxious. I get into that type of thinking sometimes too. Very familiar. Anxiety could cause the thoughts or the thoughts could cause the anxiety.

Since you recognize the thought pattern, you can try to find a way to turn it around. My t taught me to put a rubber band ( thick one, not too tight but tight enough) like you would find on vegetables. And snap it every time you notice your negative thoughts. It help "snap" your awareness back on and then you can focus on what you are feeling, and try to get your thoughts back on track. I know it sounds really simple but it does work. There was a thread a while back uduing the same method to help with SI thoughts.

The resentment building up, and I don't really have advice for that besides trying try figure out how to come to peace with it. Better communication? "And I don't see how I can say anything now after 8 years, or what to say. I can't really say 'I'm p*ssed off because you did x, y, or z in the past' " Are you sure? Do you have a T you could talk to about this and be able to figure out a way you can communicate this to him, without him feeling attacked or leading to a fight. Sometimes it is really good to talk about this stuff. Just a simple conversation, like I am having trouble with this because of _______ . I'm not sure how the conversation should go but clearing the air a bit in a positive way can be a really good thing. It might allow you to be able to let go of it, and it could help him understand you better. Just an idea anyways.

There have been lots of threads similar to this on the bipolar forum. So I think it's something many of is do have in common. They always say that bipolar shares some symptoms with Borderline. I haven't looked into borderline much but maybe this is what they are talking about?? I don't know.

I know it's really not a fun place to be. I also go through the whole " should I break up with him" circle and he has not done anything wrong. I hope you can sort this out.

Originally Posted by Beebizzy

...For no reason, he's not done anything different than usual. It goes round and round in my head and I can't stop the thoughts. I get so angry but only in my own head, I never express it (I'm not famous for speaking up, which is part of the problem - resentment).

From about 4am I start brooding and picking and criticising (thoughts)...

I'm being unfair and unreasonable. I haven't said anything to him on previous occasions or now (so of course it p*sses me off when he raises anything - I'm like 'do you have any idea what I've been putting up with?'). And I don't see how I can say anything now after 8 years, or what to say. I can't really say 'I'm p*ssed off because you did x, y, or z in the past' or 'I'm stressed out like hell that I'll be ashamed of you at the wedding'. Urgh. Not proud of myself.

...Why all the intrusive thoughts, like, now?

I sometimes wonder if us BPs share commonalities or characteristics outside of episodes? Do we have problems with things that other people don't, even when we are not in an episode?

Or is it just me?

Wow, bizzybee, I have soooo been there with the waking up in the middle of the night, thoughts going 'round and 'round. Aggravated/frustrated/exasperated. With both him and myself. (Fortunately, I have the good thoughts about him too, but the middle of the night ones? Not so much. ).

Anyway, like you, I don't know to express a lot of it. And therein lies Problem Number One. The biggie. When you say he's not done anything different than usual, this is true! Here's a guess how it went. Maybe it bothered you a bit the first time, but you didn't say anything because maybe it seems such a little thing that it doesn't seem worth speaking up over. Then another time and so on. And you start to notice that it really is something that bothers you. Yet it has become harder and harder to say something because, well, it seems so weird to say something after so long of not saying something. And they will be perplexed why you didn't bring it up before seeing how they're not a mindreader. And maybe there are other things that gnaw at you in these brooding sessions. Bet they followed this pattern too. Point is, in keeping it in, it really does build up and get mixed into one big ball of intertwined confusion and frustration. And guess who knows it? Your subconscious. Who keeps waking you up to deal with it.

Except it goes nowhere but 'round and 'round. Again, because of not speaking up. It has nowhere else to go.

You are right in saying that it's not good to suddenly dredge up the past in bringing it up. They say that is a bad way to go, because it diverts focus from the current thing. The thing that is actually at hand that can be worked on. The rest is water under the bridge.

Why the intrusive thoughts now? Probably because they've been building and with an event like your brother's wedding coming up, it triggers additional pressure on what you have already been worked up over. Hence, yeah, now.

I do think that we have other things in common. I wouldn't put them down to BP, but to the fact that there are a lot of people just in general who have trouble bringing things up/having potentially difficult discussions/taking awhile to put a finger on what it really is that is bugging them...

As far as how to approach. Anika's right that a T could be helpful. My personal approach is to write things down (yup, in the middle of the night ) as I solidify what it really is that is bugging me. To clear the clutter. Distill it to where I can see my point coherently. And just the release of putting it out of my head and onto paper helps (doesn't cure, helps). And to decide where I want to start with it. Start small, work up. Barraging someone inevitably lead to some serious defensiveness. When things are calm or they seem in a reflective/receptive place, I'll agree that they have such a good idea and try to work in one of my concerns. Into their plan. Takes forever, yeah. And a flipping lot of patience. Another way is that sometimes he will notice something's bothering me and wants me to say what. Like you, I find this difficult, but I try. Almost inevitably I remind him that X number of decades of not being able to speak up is a hard habit to break, but that I will try. And this is true. Somehow it strikes me that one person conceding what is true and difficult for them can help the other person concede something that is a problem in their behavior. Surely more so than one person launching on the other with a laundry list, lol! Oh, and try to speak from "I" statements. How something makes you feel, instead of, "You always do this! You always do that! You are such a jerk!!" Sounds soooo obvious this approach would be ineffective, yet it's practically universal(!)

(p.s. Anika, I don't see this as a BPD thing... there doesn't seem to be any idealization/suddenly devaluation. It sounds (to me anyway) to be about all the little things that build up over time in any relationship and how, if left unsaid, find a way to work themselves into our subconscious, grawing slowly over time.)

Ooops, novel! Sorry! Answer to your thread title: IMO, yes, anxiety. From little built-up things that your mind isn't letting you ignore anymore. Good luck and keep us posted!