That partly why I am still having problems with my mom is because I am still angry. I really thought I wasn't anymore. I thought I dealt with it well and moved on. But thinking today about her visiting this weekend for Easter brought too many negative feelings to surface.

I am really mad at her for abandoning me when I was 14. I'm angry that she moved to Saudi Arabia, and left me here on the streets to fend for myself. I'm angry that while I was having tons of psychosis and mania , she left me here. I am angry that even tho I never bring it up to her or mention it, the few times she has brought it up, she blamed me because the government forced her to return to Canada when I was 17 or be faced with abandonment charges. I am angry that that's all she can see. I'm angry that I got raped during that time, yes it could have happened anyways, but it was also a result of being homeless and unprotected. Ugggh.... Sorry I am just so angry right now. There is way too many things to be angry about, things that didn't have to happen. I know it isn't right to hold grudges. I dunno maybe it will always come back.

I thought I put this stuff behind me, not forgot but sort of at peace. Guess not . I just need to let it out cause I'm sitting here in tears, shampooing my carpet for a lady that cares what about me ?

[Anneinside]

Sometimes you have to go through "getting over" something many times before it is gone. Sometimes it never really goes away totally. Sometimes I am angry with my mother for her past actions and inactions and they weren't nearly as bad as what your mother did. Don't give yourself a hard time for not being able to get over it.

[BuggsBunny]

It seems to me like you have a lot of right to be angry! Sometimes healing is like peeling back the layers of an onion. Each time you get one layer deeper, you have to go thru making peace again. Eventually, you get to the core and make your final peace. It sounds like you are working thru another layer.

I have no grand wisdom on surviving your mother's visits. Trips to my mom used to take a lot of Xanax on my part, Do you have anything like that? Or can you ask for something? It should make it much more tolerable.

Meanwhile, vent all you need to. That's what PC is here for!
Sending support and hugs,
Buggs

[Trippin2.0]

Awww hun, you have EVERY right to your anger. What you're feeling is valid. I know what is meant by repeating the 'work thru it' process, I have to rinse and repeat a few times regarding my brother and the fact that he molested me AND the fact that I never told anybody.
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Your mom was supposed to protect you, and she failed you. That's a HUGE cross to bear.
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Go easy on yourself, do something nice for you. Screw the carpets! If she mentions them, point out the fact the she would've mentioned them regardles.
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Sending lots of love your way

[BlackPup]

Sounds like a horrible time, you have every right to be upset by it. Here are lots of s for you. Hope you can get past this so that you don't feel bad because of it.

Thank you,

I feel kind of embarrassed that I posted this now. I feel a bit better this morning. I guess it does take repeats. I thought I was really done with it. I can forgive people and I know how. I thought I did forgive her, maybe still feeling anger once in a blue moon doesn't mean I havent forgiven.

I just usually don't think about it anymore. My parents made a lot of mistakes but I know they are just people. I know my mom was going through her own stuff. I'm sure she probably feels sorry inside, for whatever reason she can't say it to me or show it. I realize she has a lot of problems stemming from her own upbringing.

It's harder for me to understand what she did now that my children are reaching that age. I can't even imagine doing that to them.

I worked hard on not feeling like I am from the wrong side of the tracks, or an imposter trying to fit in with functional people, people that have it together, financially stable ect. I've always felt like a fake somehow. I can feel those thoughts getting stronger. Thats what I want not to happen. I work hard to get where I am, I am not a fake. Just have to keep telling myself that. Does anyone else ever feel like that? When I was in group therapy, I was the only person who felt like that.

Thank you again for the support and kind words, when I was a kid my parents taught me that it was wrong to be angry, more wrong to express it. I've never felt comfortable being angry, usually I just immediately feel guilty.

Trippin, I'm really sorry to hear that happened

I have one heck of a time getting benzos. Even when I really need them for sleep when I'm manic. If I'm acutely manic my pdoc will give me a few. I haven't had a substance abuse problem since I was a teen. It was with prescriptions tho. I'm not sure if that's why, but even when I go to the walkin clinic it's a no go. My boyfriend can get them for sleep no problem. Really I don't know what the deal is. I know studies in Canada say females abuse benzos at a much higher rate, not sure if that has something to do with it.

[BuggsBunny]

Sorry about the benzo problem. That really stinks.
You should be given a chance to show that you can control yourself as an adult. At the very least, you should be given a few for a situation that's going to be as stressful as this! But I'll get off my soapbox on something you can't control. Just give me the phone number to your pdoc's office so I can have a word or two with him/her.

Haha thanks Buggs . My old pdoc gave them to me for sleep. I really don't think what I did as a teen should reflect on me at 33 years old. I don't do drugs or drink even. I smoke and drink too much coffee. That's why I wondered if it's just the trend not to give them out easily anymore. My pdoc told my that I probably abused drugs like valium, halcion and ritalin because it helped my symptoms so much. I think he was right on the money.

My father also abused Valium when my mother met him, later he was also dx with bipolar, I'm sure he was going through the exact same thing.

I'll do ok. I'll do some yoga before and during her stay. She usually stays with me, but my sisters husband left her recently so I think she will probably stay there. That would help emensly. Poor sister tho.

[~Christina]

Anika .. you have every right to be upset and angry and plain ole pissed off !

What your mother did to you as a child would be hard for me to forgive .. you dont just walk away from your children and let them fend for themselves at your age then.

You are not a failure .. you are raising your children with love and they will take that love with them there whole life

I commend you for even allowing your mother into your life.

Hopefully she will stay at your sisters so you will at least get a break from it.

stay strong and take care of YOU !

(((Hugs)))

Ps ... Vent all you want and need to