[bowhunt72]

Please excuse me for posting this. I'm still new here and it seems like all I do is ask for help.

I am struggling badly with self injury and suicide right now due to an ongoing relationship disaster (see my threads in Coping With Emotions and Divorce and Separation). I don't want to say any more than that here because I hate whining and I don't want to trigger anyone. Self injury an immediate threat right now, suicide near future if the worst happens.

Does anyone know of an appropriate forum or online help where I can take this?

[touchingsaturn]

i know it's a last resort for most of us, but do not be afraid of going to the hospital if that's what it takes to keep you safe for the time being...

i, too, am new here & i don't know if there are any public forums for discussion of self destructive behaviors such as self injury.. i used to harm myself, inflict injuries in the attempt to escape pain... and participate in self medicating ... which ended up being more self destructive than helpful...

my best advice for you is to take your own threat to your well being seriously & seek immediate medical help if you are contemplating causing yourself any type of harm... i know it sucks, but sometimes in those cases, the hospital is where we need to be...

[faerie_moon_x]

I don't know of a forum but if you're really bad you should call the hotline at Depression Bipolar Support Alliance. DBSA.org Or head to the ER if you need to. Don't be embarrassed or worry. Get yourself to safety. That's important.

Just hold on and remember that these feelings are temporary. Don't give up! You're not alone, even in the darkest moment. Please get help.

[bowhunt72]

Can't go to the ER. I was just inpatient two weeks ago and the way I was treated and constantly watched was worse than the urges that put me there. The event which will definitely trigger suicide hasn't happened yet but I found out today it's getting closer. SI immediately possible and probable due to inability to deal with what's happening.

Please excuse me if I offend or trigger anyone.

[bowhunt72]

Cut a little, let a little of the pain out. Feeling a little better. Will try to make myself some dinner as a distraction. Suicide trigger hasn't happened, but I'm waiting for the shoe to drop any time.

Thanks for caring.

[bipolarmedstudent]

What is your trigger if you don't mind my asking?

Do you have any benzos or other calming medication handy? Pop a couple (but not too much) and go to sleep. That's what works for me.

Feel free to PM me if you need to. I'll try my best to respond.

[Nixi]

There is a UK based organisation sane.org.uk who offer a phone line support when in crisis ( probably too expensive to ring from Ohio!?) But they also offer an email service which might take a couple of days to respond. I have used this and found it to be really helpful! I also suffer with S.I and suicidal urges. I don't know if this would be any use to you?

(((((Hugs)))))

[hamster-bamster]

Get prepared: start listing reasons to live despite the trigger. Can you think of one reason now?

[bowhunt72]

Don't know how to discuss the trigger without risk of triggering someone else. My other threads probably give it away anyway. If it happens, I will have lost everything. My health, my career (my true calling and the thing that gave my life purpose), my home, my financial security, my family, the one I thought was my true love... There will be nothing left. I have no close friends. I don't value myself highly enough to live for myself alone. No other reason remains.

Cutting helped a little. I may do some more later, but it's only a temporary relief.

Stopping now, don't want to be a trigger.

Damn, there are hotlines you can call. I'm not in the US so I don't know the numbers. I'll see what I can find for you tho. Have you tried the SI board here on PC? I'm sorry I don't have SI problems, so I don't have a lot of advice.

Things are going bad I know. Thing is you need to stay safe. I can't recall all the details, but I remember the gist of it. Even tho at the moment you feel alone, I'm sure that your family still cares and love you, and needs you around. My advice would be to put the knife down. Do something else, pinch, bite ect whatever but get rid of any weapons that you have near you.

This might sound like not what you want to hear, and maybe not helpful.... But there is always something left. Life can get better, careers can change or be rebuilt. Homes, money.. Replaceable. Family can be repaired, grow, change ect. But you... You cannot be replaced, I think your family would agree, even if you think circumstances are that bad. Please hang in there. Keep talking to us, we're listening.

I'll find some numbers and post back to you Ok. Gonna go look right now.

http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/ohio...-hotlines.html

Ok that is a site for Ohio, I posted the link because I don't know from where in Ohio you are. Please do use it and make a call if you need to or are not feeling safe or sure ok. I'll keep looking around for something online. I think you would get better help from talking to a live person tho.

http://m.facebook.com/selfinjuryohio...053666657&_rdr

http://self-injury.net/online-support?
device=desktop

http://www.recoveryourlife.com/

Ok I just looked for your other thread, did you try calling one of the warmline's that was posted? Get through? Any help? I think you are at a point where a suicide line can and will help you. I didn't know about warmline's, that's a good thing. I hope you stay safe and call if you can.

[bowhunt72]

Thank you Anika. I should have called a hotline or warmline but I was a wimp. It was easier to stick a knife into myself than to try to explain my feelings to a stranger on the other end of a phone. Made sure I cut shallow enough that I wouldn't have to get sutured and get locked up. Can't go back to a hospital. Feeling alone and suicidal is better than what they did to me there.

I think I'm settled down a little for the night, even though I found out since my last post that my suicide trigger is worse and closer than I thought. At least I'm ok with not cutting again tonight, don't know about tomorrow. Hoping my sleep meds kick in quick tonight. Had a very bad time last night missing my lover and having PTSD flashbacks to some of the really nasty things I saw and did during my career.

Thank you for your concern. This is a great community.

I hear you, I've never called one myself. I would if I had to tho. I have called the crisis response team at my hospital tho, they didn't force me to do inpatient but they kept in contact with me and called through out the days and evenings, it's really helped me in the past.

Are you doing any out patient work still? I know you said you don't have acess to your t right now. I really feel for you. I have myself lost everything. Different circumstances, but I know the pain, fear and desperateness. You can talk to me anytime you like. We're rooting for you to get through this. I know it's online and distant, but we are real people who do care despite the fact we are miles away.

I hope you can get a descent sleep. Tomorrow is tomorrow, just be in the now. You're not a whimp at all, you are fighting right, hanging on? Not whimpy.

[BlackPup]

Sending you lots of hugs bowhunt
Sorry that you are feeling so bad. Please remember that with Bipolar it doesn't last forever, things will get better again. So hang on to that. Do you have a pdoc or T that can help you???

[bowhunt72]

My pdoc is in the process of retiring so she's only in her office two days a month. Not possible to get an earlier or extra appointment. My T is off limits right now because of insurance reasons. I am still going to an intensive outpatient program three days a week at the hospital. Just group therapy, no one on one. It seems to be helping a little. I'm really trying to participate and share in the sessions, which is totally against my nature. I'm more of a sit in the corner and listen kind of guy, but I'm trying hard to get the help I need. It seems like the more I learn and the more insight I get into my illness, the more I realize how royally screwed up I am and how far I am from "normal" and being able to function in society.

I don't know if I can safely return to work, even the crappy low wage job I'm at now. I can't work at all while I'm in the IOP program. Money is desperately tight, and I'm having to swallow my pride and accept help from people I don't want help from, but I'm still "too rich" for any form of public assistance. Technically I voluntarily requested a disability retirement, but the real truth is I was forced out of my career because of my illness. My career was my true calling in life and what really gave my life meaning. It's not a job that you do, it's something you are, and it was taken away from me. It's been over a year and a half since I retired, and two years since I was ordered off active duty, but it still hurts every day.

With the ongoing relationship disaster I have mentioned, I have no meaning left in life. I just sit here existing more out of habit than anything and watching what I think will trigger my suicide keep getting closer. I don't say anything about it to anyone involved because I don't want to seem like I'm making threats. If it happens, it should be their free choice, not influenced by anything I might do. But if it happens, I don't think I will survive.

Time to stop again. I'm sorry I keep putting negative thoughts out there. Just having a rough time and running out of options for help.

[faerie_moon_x]

Bowhunt72, you are not alone! I've fought the suicide and SI demons since I was 12 years old! They are strong and they don't let you off the hook so easy. And, yes, they are demons. The live on the inside and attack when you put your guard down.

What tools are used to fight? I know you've gone through some hard times recently. I looked over your other threads as best I could. My reading ability is rather low right now. It is hard to fight in times of loss. I know this. I lost my oldest son long ago to divorce. He was three years old, and I lost him for a whole year and didn't get to see him at all. Our relationship has never been the same, and we both suffered trauma from it. I had to fight then, even when I felt like half of my soul was ripped out. You have to take that pain and turn it into fuel to live. I say to myself "You're not going to take me today. I'm not going to lose to you." It is not easy, which is why sometimes we need help to fight.

I like to say that bipolar is a storm inside me, and suicide and SI are the lightning. Sometimes they are just flashes in the sky, but sometimes they read down to strike. But, just like lightning, they are temporary. Suicide and SI are symptoms of the greater illness. They are the most dangerous and obvious sign that it is time to ask for help. Do not be ashamed of it! Your life is precious and worth living. Don't give up! Even in the darkest times you are not alone!

[bowhunt72]

Thank you Dark Heart. "Your life is precious and worth living." I know I'm only seeing the negative from the bottom of depression but I can't agree with this. My life was saving and protecting and healing and helping others. It was taken from me because of my illness. Without it I am nothing. My family doesn't want me. I have no close friends. I am honestly trying to get help but it's not working. I keep sinking deeper and the pain keeps getting worse. If the final event happens as it appears it's going to, it will be completely gone. No point left at all. Why keep hurting?

Some will see this as a desperate cry for help. It is.

The biggest thing that has saved me, more than meds, more than a hospital stay is perception. It's not easy to change your perception either, I know that. It can happen tho.

I know you lost your firefighting job. But there are other ways you can help people, and give back. You just gotta find it within. People go through divorce, but families can heal. It all takes time, but it can happen. Your life can be rebuilt.

I lost my husband, my job, my house, my friends all in one swoop. I know how hard it is to climb back, but you can do it. I thought that was the end for me. My life now is better than I ever imagined it could be. It's different than what I pictured, but that's ok. Sometimes when we loose everything it can be a time for personal change and growth, if we take it. But it really is all about perception. Some of the best things in my life were born out of the worst things that happened. Good things seem to come to me in life dressed in wolves clothing.

Are you religious or spiritual at all? I was not, but I finally started looking inside myself really deeply and built my own spirituality, soley based on my own beliefs, not very conventional ideas. It has help me tho to get through the worst if it.

[bowhunt72]

That was very brave of you Anika. I admire the courage it took to rebuild your life after a loss like that. I can't really say if I am religious or spiritual. I was raised in a very religious home, private Christian schools from kindergarten through high school, four years of Bible college. For years now, especially since my diagnosis, I have strongly questioned the beliefs I was brought up with. For now I have contacted a few religious friends and asked for their prayers, because I'm not sure if anyone is listening to mine.

You say I lost my firefighting job, and that is true. For 15 years I worked as a firefighter/paramedic. What is difficult for people to understand, though, is firefighting isn't just a job. It isn't something you do, it's something you are. I spent most of my adult life putting my own life on the line to save others. When I was forced out because of my illness, it wasn't just losing a job, although I made really good money at it. It was ripping away a major part of my purpose in life. No other employment, even if my disease will let me work, can replace that.

What I can't find is that one spark, that one reason to stay alive. I don't believe I have enough value as a person to justify living. The only human relationship I have left is with my kids, and they hate me for what I did to them and their mother. The live with their mother, and she takes better care of them than I could. They don't want to spend time with me. Me being gone would not affect their lives.

I have no hope for finding new love. My last chance at happiness ended when my lover abandoned me and ripped my heart out. My wife doesn't want me back, she just wants to live off my money in the house that I pay for. Who in the world would ever want someone like me? I may not be my diagnosis, but I'm sure affected by it, and any possible relationship would be affected too.

I'm sorry this is so negative. Many caring and well meaning people have responded to my cry for help. But until I can find something, just the first stone to start rebuilding myself on, I'm doomed and I'd just as soon get it over with quickly.

[Nixi]

U could use ice cubes- either on ur wrist or more extreme putting ur face in them!!!???? Or elastic bands on ur wrist are some of the things u could do!!!

[DaveyJones]

Hey...

I was kind of where you are awhile back. Lost it all, career I loved, house, family etc. I called a suicide hotline, they put me on hold (seriously). That's when I found Psych Central, and the folks here literally saved my life. I went to the hospital the next day. I know you don't consider that a good option, but it's at least a chance to chill for a little bit, talk to pdocs and tdocs one on one, work towards getting a decent med regimen. Seriously, if you're in the condition you describe, you need to go.

Either way, you reach a point where you have to start climbing. You CAN do this! I spent a lot of time looking for community resources, got meds, group therapy. You just have to be persistent. Apply for Social Security Disability. Our mental condition is definitely a disability. Don't feel embarrassed by it. After all, you paid for it!

I messed around for a few years, I was finally able to start playing music again. As fate would have it, I wound up hooking up with an old love. We were married last May, and we're as crazy in love as we were then. It can happen, it WILL happen. People loved you before, and they will again.

The key is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter what! Don't isolate yourself. Go to the mall, go downtown, wherever people are. Keep moving, keep smiling. I found that if I physically act as is if I feel good, I feel better. Keep posting, stay in touch!

You can do this. I did it, and you are WAY braver than I'll ever be. You are worth it because you are a living, breathing, caring person. Don't stop. KEEP FIGHTING!



"Maturity is simply a better
grasp on cause and effect"

[bowhunt72]

Minor point - I can't apply for social security disability. I'm not in the social security system. I'm in my state's police and fire pension fund, which is totally separate. I was awarded the maximum partial disability benefit when I retired. I'm having many problems at work now, mostly the same ones that cost me my real job. I looked into having my status changed to full disability with my attorney, and it's not possible. With my wife getting most of my money, my choices are to keep working a job I hate and I'm having trouble at or starve. One more reason to check out.

[Trippin2.0]

You say your kids hate you, that may be true Idk, but are you 100% certain they'll hate you forever?
.
What if you rob them of the chance to reconcile? Isn't that possibility worth sticking around for?
.
Please don't use a permanent solution for a temporary problem. What if you severely botch the attempt, have you thought of that? Who is going to take care of you? Suicide is bad enough, but what if your family has to face your failed attempt daily as your caregivers? Wouldn't that be worse? It's hard to be rational at times like these, I know, and I'm not trying to be cruel. Just checking if you've thought this thru from every angle. It might not feel like it, but you CAN overcome this, but atleast a tiny part of you needs to WANT it... I wish I could take away your suffering, I honestly do
.
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.
.
Please keep holding on, and do whatever it takes to stay safe. If not for you, then for the kids. No matter how angry or hurt they are, they don't want you dead.

My estranged father did commit suicide. What Trippin just said is true. I feel robed at a chance to ever have a realationship with him, so do my sisters. This is defiantly not what we wanted.

[touchingsaturn]

i wish i had answers for you... i honestly hate having felt some of the things you are experiencing... the desolation, the desperation... and come through on the other end.. and still being at a loss for words...

we're here... i know we're not there in real life, and it's not the same thing... but just because you don't have close friends in real life, doesn't mean it's too late to start making some... in the meantime, the people posting here, tho we don't know you personally, we care... and you will find there are people online that you can grow to be closer to than even someone living in your own house... or soemone who's known you for years on end...

i know this might be advice that could be totally unhelpful to some, but in hopes it might help even the tiniest bit.. i'll share... at one point, when i was near my worst.. i got a pet... a puppy actually.. i knew that i would HAVE to get out of bed several times a day to take care of him.. and somedays that was literally the ONLY reason i got out of bed... and on the days i was my loneliest & in the darkest places.. he still loved me... even when no one else was there.. he was always there... i know it sounds stupid, but seriously he got me through some really awful times.... and now, 8 1/2 years later.. he still does...

as for your kids.. i just went for two years without speaking to my dad.. and the entire time, despite it having been my decision to cut ties, i was horrified by the occasional thought that we might never reconcile... i know it might seem hopeless, but healing/forgiveness is possible.. even from the worst types of damage... but it's only possible if you're still above ground... don't rob them of the chance to heal and have you back in their lives... please don't rob yourself of that chance...

*hugs*