oh....looks like I am rationing my nouns...(is 'to' a noun?....can't say I know)

...yeah well what an ambitious stuffed up the cracker claim that turned out to be for me! and to say I was a bit disappointed is from a mind that aint thought much before!
....so in other words I didn't think it.

I thrived for about 2 hours... a day and a half after stopping my medication...and then suddenly in the night it ALL became to much for me and fearless me got scared of myself....dammit!

I needed a mood alter...I was getting close to depression and maybe still but it's ok!....I missed me!

does anybody else miss themselves?...this flavourless meal I eat in the morning and the night made to CORRECT me!...OUCH!...dammit!

...but alas...I am a psychotic creature unmanageable in the Earth environment and I still pursue equality with reality but I just dont FIT.
what?

I crawled to my kitchen on mental hands and knees and consumed my ducking antipsychotic!...I am disappointed and have wondered if perhaps next time I might try and wean off the stuff?

...but does a bipolar dude have the sensibility to adjust to such common sense when it all builds up?..I don't know...but I will cry myself to sleep tonight and love that I breath...that I have opportunity to climb out of here with my fingernails if I must

[Anneinside]

Nope, not a noun... but "to be" is an infinitive phrase, verb. Noun - person, place or thing. I don't know what to say about the rest of what you wrote.

thanks...yep..I didn't know what I meant either

but it's ok

...it just should

I love it when the sky just rips the clappers out of me and pours down and makes my miserable little experience insignificant!

.....thankyou....

I know it takes alot to understand a cracker like me...

so....thankyou..

[xraydiva09]

I was going to say that same as Annie.....and um.....I too, dont know what to say to the rest of your post....or any of your other posts for that matter......scratching my head in confusion

[Confusedinomicon]

Honestly, you learn to live with it. You're going to miss the up and downs because you're so accustomed to them, but it isn't any way to live. (Especially long-term.) Psychosis isn't good, and it's said to kill brain cells or something.

What I did was take a **** ton of medication until I was 'stable' and then I went down. Dropped a few different medications until I was just left with 2. (At one time I was taking an antipsychotic, 750 mg depakote, 900 lithium which is the most for me)

I've been fairly stable for a year and I honestly don't miss ANYTHING about my mood swings. All they do is cause destruction and push people away. It sucked *** at first when I decided that I'd actually try stability out. I mourned for a year of what I lost. Every few weeks I would go home and cry to my boyfriend because I couldn't identify myself anymore. I had to make a NEW me. I had to tell myself that it was better to feel emotions without constantly crying because I was "touched" by every other thing said. Honestly it's a chore to be emotional.

Also, you CAN alter your state of mind enough to minimize the effects of depression. I'm actually experiencing a depressive episode, but you would hardly be able to tell. I'm not suicidal, but I have physical signs of it. (Excessive sleeping, lack of motivation, pissed at the world, feeling betrayed blahblah) It SUCKS. However, I just ignore it because it's fairly moderate at the moment. I've somehow also diverted my thinking so I don't think about my imminent death.

Get a good therapist who will specifically work on behavior management and change. I don't think I see this enough, but deciding to take medication typically means you will have to look into yourself and decide whether or not the changes are worth it. After you decide that you have to let yourself mourn and hopefully find someone who can help guide you through it. (Why a therapist is good). I was lucky and it took me 3-4 years to decide that change was worth it. Some people take a decade (or more). But I think that mourning process is something we all share and should be embraced in recovery. Recovery doesn't mean you'll take pills, but recovery means you learn how to love yourself again.

[Victoria'smom]

does anybody else miss themselves? Yes, and then I go right to the Dr. or have someone help me a little with med adherence because it's never a good thing when I go off meds. I honestly miss the chaos and clean up because I don't know what to do with all this new found time. getting use to this new life is strange. I have to except that I think way outside the box and some of the ideas are okay but others are harmful for a fulfilling life. I have to except that currently I can not be med free but it's a goal to work towards with the help of my pdoc and therapist.

I look around and see no-one

I know I am having an episode

[Melancolic]

It is still hard to accept the lack of insight creates a mirage effect and i believe it as truth and not realize it is irrational. I become more reclusive, angry and paranoid refusing others opinion. I mainly have delusions of reference, paranoid delusions, apophenia, tactile hallucinations, visual hallucinations, and perceptual distortions.
I dont know why what or when things start to become more in depth, more meaningful, more connected. I discovering signs that i hadnt noticed before, things took on a higher level and its clear that i have a purpose. A ability or gift to seek meaning in things and figure out the obvious messages, codes and patterns i am recieving. Songs have messages, certain lyrics are directed at me they give me insight. Sometimes when my own thoughts are stolen they are corrupted and sent into a radio frequency as a feedback jam to side track me and taint my research. The world would go to war over my discoveries so my thoughts are always being monitored. Pages of text form patterns using gaps between words. The patterns point out relevent information with shapes surrounding words or arrows pointing to a letter. These are everywhere and the information retreved from every page was vital to understand the next piece of the puzzle. Words, letters and numbers became bold, standing out sometimes, or they are in colors. At times info on text is a trap letters are actually insects that move around hiding a code i need to decipher. This carrys on for months i am staying up all night researching a word from a book with a song lyric believing that it is a clue to histories biggest secrets. I became completly withdrawn and start filling notebooks with scribbles of loosly connected phrases. Everything becomes connected and is relative to each other it is obvious and right there i have figured it out. Like the word 'coralation' is a "family photo frame decorated with sea shells" and "sandy blond surfer at shell petrol station driving a family car". I become increasingly paranoid and concerned that a government agency was going to silence me. There were shadow people following me everywhere i can see them but not identify them. In an attemp to stop me uncovering the truth a curse is cast upon me. The presence of an entity observing me is constant. Partioning my brain into 2 areas, one locking highly valuble information away while i could broadcast misleading information to those monitoring my thoughts and happy thoughts to the neighbourhood dogs to stop them from howling. My neighbours became very concerned with my behaviour and start using the codeword "help" on me reassuring my earlier notion that they were to slow and stupid to think i didnt know they were all conspiring against me from the start.
One brief incounter with someone and i my psychosis is obvious i am told my pupils are dialated my speech is incoherent and i am like a wild dog in a life or death situation. Police are the ones to turn up and restrain me. Because i am not crazy but have the knowledge to solve all of the worlds mysteries, i just repeat the phrase "i am not crazy" over and over on a daily basis to people a long time after i get re admitted.

Thats a outline of 3-4months, i dont know how to explain it, i concieve it to be as real as my own two hands. I still dont understand how i believe or feel its a normal everyday sane logical perspective when its beyond extremly warped thinking.
It scares the **** out of me and theres no simple fast way of disproving delusions
mind****ing you for years afterwards. Returning fragments of in-concivable thought concepts that still feel like 100% reality in memorie's.

[SunAngel]

Your post is a little bit confusing, but I can reply to one thing you said about missing yourself. When I was on Seroquel XR, I lost me, my spunk, creativity, the person I used to be, I missed being me.

My pdoc took me off of it and I feel like myself again. I am an artist and that med. squashed it. I am also on Concerta for for ADD, and this med. gives me the shakes so I still cannot draw or paint, but I have used my creativity in other ways.

I feel back to myself again.

Whatever you are going through, I want to wish you all the luck in the world.

I'm not well

it makes no difference...

I got what I wanted

I got sick

it's an episode

but going away is not needed

...oops

at least I am writing

something

Originally Posted by xraydiva09

I was going to say that same as Annie.....and um.....I too, dont know what to say to the rest of your post....or any of your other posts for that matter......scratching my head in confusion

no worries

sorry people

[Direction]

Sorry to hear that...what are you plans to minimize your episode?

[Direction]

Nature seems to make me feel connected to something bigger than my life...

.....awesome

....I'm not sure what to do

[SunAngel]

I used to be so afraid of thunder storms because my mom was, but now I love them.

so what should I do?

no-one can help me

hospitals

all the rest won't help me

I just want to hide

I cannot be

so...it goes

and so it hurts

[Anneinside]

Are you still thinking this way? If so, you need to see your psychiatrist about anti-psychotics. There are some that don't interfere in you being yourself.

Hear! Hear! ...

Totally agree ...

Enjoyed a right nice storm last night and wish we could have another today ...

....tell me what you would do?

it's trouble

it's almost...impossible

but it's ok

not to die!

it's freaking nuts!

to run and hide

it's not our fault

we drift

we are insane

but we cope!

we are

the best people ever

there is no way around it...

it hits hard when it does

when it hits

so can we love all day.......can we do it?

....I wanted to love.....it's in my name

my name....funny........catchlove

what a funny name

it's my name

and lets love....

why the hell not?