[bowhunt72]

A while ago I heard a large truck engine and took a look out my door to see what it was. There was a medic (ambulance) with its lights on sitting in the parking lot of my apartment complex, parked of course right behind my truck and my car which both still have professional firefighter license plates. I grumbled to myself for a while - that's supposed to be my job, what I spent 15 years of my life doing before they threw me out like a used kleenex because of my BP and PTSD and all my other mental junk. A few minutes ago I heard them leave running hot (lights and sirens) for the hospital. Yeah, that's kind of a trigger, even if it's not a really big one.

One of this city's fire stations is near me on the major street I live just off of, so I get to hear them running hot up and down the street constantly. Grates on my nerves after a while. I've done my time riding medics, engines, and rescues, but for the majority of my career I was a truckie, a ladderman. Says so right on one of the fire helmets I keep in my apartment - UAFD, Ladder 72. I still kinda consider myself the irons man I was for years - it was my job to break open the front door then follow my crew in to search for victims. Now I have to stand there like any other civilian and watch this city's Ladder 2 run past me every day. Grrrr... I'm glad someone is there to do the job, but that's supposed to be MY job...

[kindachaotic]

I'm sorry you feel thrown away.

Thanks for your service all those years.

[SmokeyPoole2012]

I understand how you feel if that had happened to me I would be as angry and hurt as you. Your time may have passed but after 15 years of being hero to your community you should feel proud of your accomplishment Proud of Yourself. Who knows Bowhunt72 what is happening to you now could be thought of as gives you the opportunity to be an upstanding person elsewhere.

Good luck to you sir and god bless.

[BuggsBunny]

I'm so sorry you have to watch these go by every day. Aren't there any good memories you can draw upon, so you don't feel the anger and frustration of not being able to do your job?

It's hard to watch others do what you used to do, what you could still do if it weren't for whatever. I think a lot of us feel that way about not being able to work, altho most of us weren't doing things quite as dramatic as you did. Thank you for the years you worked, and know that a lot of people out there consider you a hero, active duty or not.

[faerie_moon_x]

It's hard to lose the ability to do what you love. Although minor in comparison, I wanted to be a writer but my mind doesn't let me write the way I used to. I really feel like I've lost a huge part of my very being.

Just remember that even if you aren't doing that job now, you helped people in your city and have done a great thing! Just like the vets who no longer go to war, they are still great for their service.

[bowhunt72]

I do still have many good memories. I take great pride I the people I helped and the lives I saved. One of my proudest moments was saving a man who had a medical issue while driving and crashed into a crowded restaurant, then caught both his car and the restaurant on fire. I know beyond the faintest doubt he would have died if I hadn't pulled him from that car and carried him out to the medics outside. I heard later he made a full recovery. That's the kind of thing that's so hard to let go...

[Towanda]

Bowhunt, I know how you feel. I used to be a nurse until my MI took over my life and left me unable to practice. I miss it so much - it hurts my heart when I visit someone in the hospital and see the nurses taking care of patients and know I'll never be able to do that again. I guess we both need to hold on to the good memories, and be proud of the lives we touched. My hat's off to you - you sound like a wonderful person, caring person. I bet in some small way you're still touching lives and you don't even know it

[bowhunt72]

Thanks so much Towanda. It means a lot to talk to someone who actually knows how this feels. I try to hang onto the good memories, but I had so much taken away from me. I was the cook for my crew for many years, and I used to have total strangers come up to me in the grocery store while I was doing my shopping and tell me that we had saved someone close to them. The ones that meant the most were the ones that came up to me just to tell me thank you for being there and just for doing what I do. No matter what I do, I'll never be able to replace that. Hang onto the good memories...

Originally Posted by bowhunt72

Thanks so much Towanda. It means a lot to talk to someone who actually knows how this feels. I try to hang onto the good memories, but I had so much taken away from me. I was the cook for my crew for many years, and I used to have total strangers come up to me in the grocery store while I was doing my shopping and tell me that we had saved someone close to them. The ones that meant the most were the ones that came up to me just to tell me thank you for being there and just for doing what I do. No matter what I do, I'll never be able to replace that. Hang onto the good memories...

Just focus on you right now. This doesn't have to be the "end of your career". You never know what's just right around the bend. When you least expect it.

The most important thing, though, is that you focus on your health.

You have a lot to offer! I bet you'll surprise yourself when you come to that part of the program