[BNLsMOM]

I woke up this morning feeling really depressed. I was so paranoid on my way to the partial. I am graduating from the partial tomorrow and I feel like I should be feeling better. I have been doing the hard work for four weeks now if you count the hospital.

I talked to the people at the partial about how I was feeling, and my one on one T challenged me to find the things that are working in my life rather than focusing on the negative. She says I am too much in my head.

This morning I was so paranoid. I get upset when black cars with silver grilles, especially Fords and Mercedes, drive behind me or pass me on the other side of the road. I feel like they are a network of some sort of agency that is following me for some reason. I don't know what I did to make them follow me.

I know it isn't real, but it is so strong a feeling and I have an entire story line going about trying to figure out who they are. I have only a vague sense of what might be going on and I can't articulate it. When I talk about it to anyone else, I don't think I believe it, but when I am out on the road, there it is again. Honestly, I fear that they will rape me. I have never told anyone that before, but I think I should. Now that I think about it, that fear is behind a lot of my paranoia and social anxiety, which is weird because I have never been raped. I had a fourteen year old neighbor when I was a little kid who molested me once, but there was no intercourse.

I was close to tears all day and that is saying something, because even in my deepest depressions I don't cry. The last time I cried was at a funeral in 2009.

[faerie_moon_x]

Hello,

I really, really feel for you right now with your story about the cars and how you feel they are coming for you. I know this feeling myself. When I was in my late teens/early 20s I had an episode which was very similar to what you are describint. I also told others about it but no one believed me, also no one helped. I also didn't have a T or pdoc or anything to share it with, just friends and family.

So I know exactly how scary and scared you must be feeling right now. I think you're right you should tell your T or someone about how deep the fear is that someone is after you to rape you. I think it is very important to get it out to someone else, especially if it is causing a disruption and distress.

Even if you were not raped you may have some type of residual trauma from when you were a child.

[BNLsMOM]

Thank you Dark heart.

Today I put a knife to my wrist and pressed a little. It made a mark that went away after a few minutes. Right after I did that I took my frozen orange and put it on my wrist so that I would short circuit the urge to cut.

I really need support, friends.

[FireBird]

I am sorry for what happened, BNLsMOM. Please don't hurt yourself. If you think you will hurt yourself, then tell someone right away. I get paranoid as well due to my schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. My mania is not that severe though and rarely happens. I could be wrong but the last time I was manic/ hypomanic was in 2008-2009. That was the only time I felt happy. No negativity. That was a first in my life and a big red flag believe it or not because its not in my personality to be positive, especially delusional positive. I sometimes do the same thing as you with the knife to the wrist. Same with a razor blade. Usually I don't do that though. I am feeling down as well so I understand what is happening with you.

[BuggsBunny]

Sending hugs and warm fuzzy feelings your way. Wish I could do more~!

[BNLsMOM]

Now I am screwing up my meds. I told my husband that I need him to manage them for me. I am too confused to do it. I am scared by this confusion.

[grlnmt66]

I really dont know what to say other than Im sorry your hurting...and its bound to get better, eventually.

[bowhunt72]

I'm sorry you're hurting and feeling this way. This is one of those times when I really wish I had some magic answers to give you. Keep talking to those you can trust IRL and keep posting with us. We're here for you.

BNLsMOM, I'm really sorry you are still struggling. You've been through so much, you definitely deserve a break. It's really hard to leave a program, an feeling unsure and not ready I think is the norm. I fel that way when I have left mine too.

I wish there was a way to get you out of this paranoia. I hope with time it will dissipate for you. Keep working at it tho. I think it's good that you are talking about it a little more, and sharing. Sometimes those acts alone free us a little.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep posting and know you do have friends in us here. I really hope the best for you. Keep yourself safe, you are doing a good job so far. I'm glad you used other means instead of harming yourself. That's a big feat, I know it's scary feeling so confused, but you can get through this.

[jaypop30]

Originally Posted by Anika

BNLsMOM, I'm really sorry you are still struggling. You've been through so much, you definitely deserve a break. It's really hard to leave a program, an feeling unsure and not ready I think is the norm. I fel that way when I have left mine too.

I wish there was a way to get you out of this paranoia. I hope with time it will dissipate for you. Keep working at it tho. I think it's good that you are talking about it a little more, and sharing. Sometimes those acts alone free us a little.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep posting and know you do have friends in us here. I really hope the best for you. Keep yourself safe, you are doing a good job so far. I'm glad you used other means instead of harming yourself. That's a big feat, I know it's scary feeling so confused, but you can get through this.

Hang in there I am with everyone else if I could magicaly take it away for you I would, but hold on it will soon pass.

[BNLsMOM]

I told the clinicians at partial about what was going on with me, and they asked me to stay a couple of extra days to be sure I am safe.

It was hard this afternoon to stay safe, but I managed it. I am so exhausted by the effort that I slept quite a bit this afternoon. I hope that I can sleep tonight.

I feel off. i don't know how to describe it. I am full of pain and I want to scream it and share it, but I am all sealed off. I think something is going to happen.

I am afraaid of the cars. I know it isn't real, but I am losing my hold on that.

Crap. I think I have gone off the deep end.

My husband took over my meds tonight and made up a chart so we can keep track. I thought I had run out of a few prescriptions and there were two that couldn't be filled because it was too soon. My first thought was that the people from the cars filled it on me. Then my husband found them tucked away.

I am losing it. I am trying to tell the people at partial, but they don't think it is a big deal. They think I am going through anxiety about leaving the program and that's where this all comes from. I disagree.

It hurts.

[bluemountains]

I'm so sorry you are suffering with these feelings. Hopefully it will take a good turn soon.
Bluemountains

[BNLsMOM]

The thought that keeps going through my head is, "Someone save me before something bad happens."

[Victoria'smom]

Hugs. I'm sorry your not doing well. Would you be willing to print your posts so it's not as confusing to talk about what's going on? Please keep us posted.