[bowhunt72]

I posted recently that I was slowly coming out of a deep depression and starting to worry if I was going too far the other way and going back into mania. Well, no worries there now. I started heading downhill in an increasing spiral downward Saturday evening, woke up down Sunday morning, then kept right on going down until I crashed bad enough to start cutting that afternoon. It's now Monday morning, and I'm trying to figure out what to do. I cut enough I really do need sutures, but I can't take the risk of going to the ER in the city I'm currently living in because I may get forced into a psych unit with an increasingly bad reputation. If I drive the 45 minutes to the city I just went through intensive outpatient in, at least I'd be in a decent unit if they forced me in, but I don't want to go inpatient at all. I'm out of immediate danger, I just want the sutures so it will heal better.

I see my therapist tomorrow and I have an electroconvulsive therapy treatment Wednesday, so my psych care is pretty well under control. I'm feeling a little fragile emotionally at the moment, but that's normal after being stressed to the point of self injury. All I'm worried about right now is my physical care and how to get it without being locked up. I looked up urgent care centers in both cities, but the earliest one opens is four hours from now and that's really pushing the window of how late they'll suture a wound instead of just letting it heal openly. I guess my best option at this point is to buy the bandaging supplies I need to do it myself and just accept that it's going to take longer to heal and leave a big scar.

Tomorrow will only be the fourth time time I've seen my new T. Last time I saw her was the first time she didn't make me sign a safety contract. I'm guessing that gets corrected this time around. She'll probably be pretty upset with me, and rightly so. I was telling her I was having an easy time sticking to the contract, then wham, I get hit with a series of major triggers all related to the whole wife/girlfriend/saving marriage situation all at once and I just got overloaded and overwhelmed and I failed. It's not like I wanted it that way, I tried to keep it from happening, but the stress just blew right past any coping mechanism I did remember to try and the next thing I knew I was cutting again.

I guess I'll go buy some supplies and dress this thing as best I can. Won't be ideal, but at least I won't get locked up. Thanks to all who responded to my thread worrying about getting manic. I guess I don't have to worry about that for the moment.

[missbelle]

We love ya.......stay focused.....we are here for you!!

[BuggsBunny]

Hang in the Bowhunt!

[ChaoticSymphony]

Glad you could vent on here, hope it helped.