[Eliza Jane]

Hi guys,

After years of struggling with what we thought was treatment resistant unipolar depression, it has become apparent that what has really been going on is BP II.

I have mixed feelings about this. There is some relief in having new clarity, but it is also hard to wrap my mind around the fact that this is a life-long condition. I know I was kidding myself, but part of me believed that when it was just "regular" depression that eventually it would go away. (My pdoc has tried for quite a long time to convince me that it wasn't just going to go away, but part of me held out a tiny bit of hope.)

Everything is complicated by the fact that I am trying to get pregnant now and I am disappointed that I can't go med-free. We are going to start me on lamictal and cross our fingers that this is adequate.

I'd love to hear from anyone on here who has successfully made it through pregnancy with BP. I could use some encouragement.

Best,
EJ

[cocoabeans]

You've gone most of your recent life with untreated/undertreated bipolar depression and experienced at worst, poorly defined hypomania, and you can't go med free through pregnancy? Is that the bipolar label talking? Me thinks so, unless, you're so sick right now and in which case, pregnancy would be the no no.

[Edge11]

...Hi Eliza Jane...

...I was dx Bipolar 20 yrs ago...and most recently ADHD...I'll be crossing my fingers for you...Best wishes...

[hamster-bamster]

I tend to agree w/ Cocoabeans. I have had three children plus add to it 8 years of breastfeeding combined, all without meds, because I did not know I have a stark case of Bipolar I. The second of these three children was conceived when I was in a full blown mania and would not have been conceived had I been on meds - the idea of conceiving her would not have entered my mind at that time had I been medically managed. She is starting high school in the fall. It is not a story with a happy ending - I am estranged from all three of my children. You do not want that, but from your letter it follows that you do not have any predisposition to recklessness that destroys families etc. So if you want a child now, I would say go for it without meds. From your letter again, it sounds like you have good support from your husband, which is paramount. Get the best foods - you will need them for the baby anyway - exercise, get sunshine, meditate if you can, start mood tracking (there is a recent thread here on mood tracking apps, Optimism app won) - do all the proven non-medicine things you can. For bipolar you will need a schedule of sleep stable over longs periods of time. But you can do it. If it seems totally impossible, just do not get pregnant now. And remember, if you do get pregnant, you will have a big decision in 9 months - to breastfeed or not. Breastfeeding offers overwhelming benefits for the child, but most if not all meds pass through into breastmilk and are dangerous to the child. If all this is new to you and you are not ready to approach this big decision now, I would suggest postponing until you are. In either scenario, best of luck!

[Eliza Jane]

Just looking for some support after making a difficult decision. I didn't expect to feel so judged.

I have not come to this decision lightly. The situation is complex. I have consulted with 3 psychiatrists and 2 OB's.

EJ

[BipolaRNurse]

Eliza Jane~~please don't feel you're being judged. As you know, almost everyone on this forum is BP, and sometimes we don't say things as elegantly as we should. But I hope you can take away from the responses here a few nuggets of wisdom, especially when it comes to having a baby.

Although I wasn't diagnosed with bipolar until a few months ago, I've been this way for most of my life, including my childbearing years when I had five kids in less than a decade. Not knowing I was BP, of course I went through all five pregnancies as an emotional wreck, and then I suffered the tortures of the damned with progressively worse episodes of postpartum depression after each child was born.

The last one, I was frankly psychotic---I had horrible fantasies about taking my baby out to the railroad tracks and laying us both down in front of an oncoming train, or stepping out into the street and getting hit by a car. Fortunately, I would NEVER have actually done either of these things, because I so adored him.......but thank God I never had another child, for who knows how much worse things might have been if I'd gone through all the hormonal shifts one more time?

I've never told anyone about this in the 21 years of my son's life. It wasn't talked about back then, and I carried the shame of it until about five years ago when I heard about a couple of celebrity moms who'd had similar experiences. The reason I'm saying it now is that I don't want to see you go blindly into a pregnancy with bipolar disorder, NOT knowing what can happen if you are unmedicated. It doesn't mean that you will have postpartum psychosis or depression, just that you are far more likely to than a woman without the disorder.

I hope you can understand that we're not attacking you. We are merely trying to give you the 'big picture' so that you can make good decisions based on good information. And for the record, I heartily recommend trying the Lamictal, as it doesn't have many side effects and is excellent for relieving the depressive side of BP. It doesn't do much for mania (I'm just coming off an episode myself and wound up on a fourth drug to manage my illness. Ain't bipolar grand? LOL) but you won't likely gain weight on it, and after you reach a therapeutic dose, life is pretty decent.

Wishing you only the best. Take care.

[cocoabeans]

I didn't mean to sound judgmental. I meant, if you're in a crisis situation where you absolutely need meds, don't get pregnant! If you're not in a crisis, I'm questioning all 5 of your doctors or, the conventional "wisdom" of the medical community. And I literally mean questioning. I'm asking if you really do need those medications right now.

Why? You made it seem like a question worth asking with concerns and disappointments over doing this med free or not.

It is a question few doctors will be able to think through. They see bipolar they see medication and stark raving manics, deep depressions, post partum psychosis and that's medicine not you. It is risks and potential benefits. It is good, bad and never to be trusted simply because doctors say so.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not anti medication, I take my own but, not because I was told to by the expert.

You know yourself and what you've been through and can manage not your doctors and certainly not me.

Best of luck.

I do apologize for my complete lack of empathy concerning your potential offspring, I could never understand why anyone bipolar or not would make the decision to have children. I didn't even like other children when I was a child!

[hamster-bamster]

Sorry EJ, from your initial post it did not follow that you are so far along on your road to pregnancy on Lamictal, having consulted so widely - it sounded like you are soliciting opinions from both people who have made it through pregnancy on and off meds.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

progressively worse episodes of postpartum depression after each child was born.

The last one, I was frankly psychotic---I had horrible fantasies about taking my baby out to the railroad tracks and laying us both down in front of an oncoming train, or stepping out into the street and getting hit by a car.

I have had an opposite experience in terms of progression. I have had thoughts with my first two children. Horrible thoughts. But the third child was all smiles (from me). I did not have a single one of those thoughts. By that time I knew that, at least for my children, it is easiest to sleep with parents, so I did not even try, and hence had no stress over failed attempts, to make the baby sleep separately. Everything was pure joy with her. I was so dedicated, I always aired her bottom so she needed no baby creams or Desitin because she never developed rashes. I had the energy to wash and dry cloth diapers. I fed her food from the table (did not have money for baby food nor believed it to be superior to table food).

Just complete dedication and no horrible thoughts.

So it does not have to be all bad, it is just, unfortunately, completely unpredictable.

[faerie_moon_x]

Hi Eliza,

I've had three pregnancies all successful and all unmedicated with BP. My first two pregnancies I wasn't diagnosed, my third one (which my baby is 5 months old,) I wasn't medicated because I was between meds when I got pregnant.

During my first pregnancy I did really well. But during my other two pregnancies I was going through emotionally traumatic times. But, my babies were all born healthy and happy. The big thing is to have a good support system if you can have one. I don't feel I had that in my first or third pregnancy. Although I had post pardum depression with my first two, I didn't have it this third time. I have other issues, but not that at least.

I feel my children are very important to me. They are a lot of work and can stress me out sometimes, but I feel my life is better because of them. I drive myself harder than I did before them. I don't just randomly quit my job because I want to make sure they have food, clothes, and a place to live. I fight harder against suicidal thoughts because I don't want them to grow up without a mom. Even when I feel worthless, a hug from them lifts me up.

It isn't for everyone but it has worked for me to keep me moving when I just want to stop.

[Trippin2.0]

I had an undiagnosed med-free pregnancy. Hypomanic most the time, but reduced to tears within seconds. Haha, it was crazy but BIG FUN! My thoughts? I'm not anti-meds, was on them for 2yrs before I quit, but I subscribe to the school of thought that: I decide when meds are a neccessity, for I know what I deal with and what I am able to handle. N0T Dr's with their biased BLEAK opinion on MY disorder and there rewards from bigpharma on your future pregnancy as well as on however you decide to move forward

[hamster-bamster]

Yes, good luck however things go. Really did not mean to judge you.

[Eliza Jane]

Thanks guys, particularly for the additional replies. I was just feeling so vulnerable and scared and alone last night.

I have been trying to be med-free since December and I just can't live like this anymore. It isn't possible to just tough it out, like I have been trying. I feel a lot of guilt about not being able to go med-free. It seems like there is so much pressure on women to be "perfect" during their pregnancies nowadays. My sister-in-law wouldn't even eat from plastic when she was pregnant.

I feel guilty, but I cannot give up my dream of being a mom. It makes for a lot of internal conflict.

Thanks guys,
EJ

[hamster-bamster]

I cannot cite a source because it is not in English, but basically a small sample of newborns whose Lamictal-taking mothers breastfed them did not show any side effects. Also, Lamictal passes into breastmilk in the concentration of 45% of that in the plasm, so that's already a reduction in half. Not such bad news.

[BlueInanna]

I'm curious what meds they say are safe for mom & baby?

[Eliza Jane]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

I'm curious what meds they say are safe for mom & baby?

Lamictal is where we are going to start. It is pregnancy category C, which isn't ideal, but it could be worse. If that fails, we will try Abilify, which I have had some success on in the past (also category C, but much less research on it available). My OB says as long as I stay with category C, he is comfortable. He also encourages me to use only one medication, if possible.

EJ

[simoneadams91]

Hi Eliza,

like dark_heart said... as long as you have a good support system and you feel like your ready then go for it. If your seeing a therapist I would suggest that you keep seeing them throughout your pregnancy just in case you need the support. Pregnancy can be very difficult for someone dealing with BP II, but it's not impossible.