BP-I and Friend deserted me....

<font color="#000088"> Hi All -

Sorry to bother you with this. I can't help but want to get it all off my mind - the racing is killing me....

I had a friend come over on Thursday whom I nomrally talk freely to. I couldn't even stay around her long enough to get 5 sentences in before I went to my room and hid.... Later that evening, she wrote me a kinda-nasty email wondering what she did to deserve no attention. I explained that due to these disorders/diseases, I just can't function all the time between the disordres, the meds, etc... To date, I have not received any phone calls, emails, etc. from her and now I'm totally upset over this fact. I don't know what I did to deserve this, but this just goes to show that every VERY few people i still have contact with are slowly but surely distancing from me....

What should I do? Should I write her again and ask for forgiveiness? Half of me says yes, the other half maintains I did nothing wrong since I can't make myself just 'snap' back into reality. It just HURTS so damn bad that someone who has ALWAYS been there has now abandoned me....I really belive it is bcuz she doesn't understand how bad these disorders can affect a person who suffers from them...

I also have an appt. with the P-doc today, to go over the new meds and see how I am doing, and I am scared to death to be honest about what the meds are doing. I know I have to be honest, but the paranoia is taking over and I don't even want to go - I'm really in a bad state to where I am DEATHLY afriad I will get into a bad situation should I leave the house..... I swear I can't deal with this anymore - I want the 'miracle drug' that shuts off my brain..... I'm taking my daily logs with me so she can see what happens each day, hour-by-hour.... It's a compulsion to write all this down so I can have accurate records whenever I go through my memory loss spells/episodes. Given I'm on a down-side episode right now, everything and anything is at its worst.....

Thank you for listening in advance. I know I'll get all the support from my friends on here... </font>

Hey niko...

I know what you mean about the socializing. As you know, I have moved back to the house I grew up in with my Mom and baby sister. Last Friday my sister and her boyfriend asked me to join them to see a very good local musician. My Mom also asked me to go to church at the church I grew up in. There are still many people there whom I have know all my life. I became so upset at the thought of either that I had to take a Xanax and go off and chill...I could not bear the thought of seeing anyone like that. So, I sat here at home. *Sigh*

These kinds of feelings are a big part of why many of us are not able to lead normal lives, I think. It makes me really sad to think that I'm going to spend the rest of my life hanging out here. I have to learn to overcome this.

Also, I think a lot of people act as your friend did because they cannot or will not deal with what's going on with us, whether valid or not. I also had several lady friends ditch me when they found out about my condition, just like you describe, I just never heard from them again, wouldn't return calls or emails...after two times I just move on...no sense beating a dead horse. It really hurts, too, because I'm they same guy they were having so much fun with...but that's just the way it is.

Good luck with your pdoc...I hope everything goes OK.

DJ

(((Niko)))
I'm your friend no matter what.

Love ya, Jenn

<font color="#000088"> Jenn - I love ya too darlin.... I know everyone on here will never desert me no matter what.... Those words are worth $1,000,000.00 right now!!!! While it may not take the sting away, I know I have MORE than enough people on here that I can call TRUE FRIENDS even though I will probably never see one of you in person.... I just do NOT understand people... Why LIE and DECEIVE someone who already does not trust as is? Why SHUN AWAY a person just bcuz he/she is sick? Would they do this if I had Cancer? HELL NO... But bcuz it is 'all up there' and I am supposed to just "snap out of it", then I am not really sick... I say the hell w/them.... That's the mood I'm in right now... screw em all bcuz if she truly IS a friend, then I wouldn't have even wrote my post.....

Thank u Jenn.... ~N</font>

Thanks again DJ for being here for me.... As I told Jenn, you all are MORE friends to me than the few humans that are around me each flippin' day.....

I can actually relate to the church part... I cannot bear to go anymore bcuz of all the people around me - and just as your situation is, I have known most of them all my life... It's a small MCC church (if you don't know what that is, let me know as it will get my mind off things for a while) for the GLBT community... We're already "taboo" as is, and I was riased Catholic so I decided to join this church so I could worship as ME - not what "THEY" wanted me to be....

I can't bear to see them and be looked at and ridiculed - espeially in a HOUSE OF WORSHIP!!! Talk about being hypocrites.....

You are right in the sense that they simply cannot deal, accept, handle, or whatever posessive word you want to use here to describe it, my disorders/diseases.... It is a shame, but it is THEIR loss when the 'real' Niko comes out once in a while... I guess I am a friend of convenience as I was asked by one to assist them w/the down payment on their home (now you all know I just lost my house to foreclosure); how RUDE can that be? Guess they didn't like my answer which was the above... I obviously am PENNILESS so how the hell am I supposed to help YOU when I can't even help MYSELF??

Regardless, I know they are ignorant to these disorders and I can't really stay that mad... It's hard to NOT be mad, but I know I have to let it go.. it's just one more reason for me to not leave this house EVER EVER again... What's the point? Just to be hurt, poked fun at, or be ridiculed? I get enough of that in this place i call home... I don't need it elsewhere....

Thanks for everything DJ... I sincerely appreciate you being here for me.... How is everything at your parents? Are you getting settled down OK? I'm here, of course, wheneve you need it... Always remember that.....~N

Good to hear from you, Niko...I'm doing OK here so far. I've just about gotten all my messes cleaned up (with Mom's help), so that's a load off my mind. I'm still waiting on a bunch of paperwork back in Missouri to catch up with reality, (driver's license, etc.) but that should resolve itself soon.

I found a great bipolar support group here, went to the first meeting last night. They were able to point me toward area resources that I will need, so that's a relief.

The social thing really has me bugged...I think my fear is about telling people what I'm doing here, where I'm living, etc. I know myself well enough to know that I would let everything out when someone asks what a 49 year old man is doing living with Mama...but I'll have to deal with it eventually.

My biggest problem, though, is being so far away from my girls. I can break into tears at the drop of a hat when I see a dad with his kids, even on TV...it hurts SO badly. Yesterday my older girl's car was declared DOA, and I wasn't there to help. At this point the only way I could help is by doing the one thing I can't, i.e. send money...Of course, that makes me feel even MORE guilty. I don't know what to do about this one. Oh, well.

By and large, though, things are OK. By the way, I had never heard of the MCC, so I looked it up. I think it's great! My personal philosopy about this is "Love 'em all, let God sort 'em out later".

So, that's me today...I guess I'll go work on the garage, I'd like to have a little workshop area if possible!

DJ