[Joy_333]

Hi all, this is my first post here but I just wanted to know im not alone I guess. I'm 19 and years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and pmdd. However, long periods of time can go by Where I'm fine and I have almost everyone convinced I'm fine. Lately though, something's is happening. I've only let few people see this other side of me, seems to be my boyfriend of 2 years mostly. Over very little things my emotions will escalate and it usually manifests in a suicidal rage where I say and do hurtful things. It's like I can't even control myself. Sometimes, Icant even remember these "episodes" I have - my boyfriend usually tells me all about it the next day. I can remember the intensity of the emotions but never my words or actions. It's happening more frequently an everytime I'm so embarrassed and ashamed. I can't keep living like this. I've made an appointment to go back to a psychiatrist soon. But does this happen to others? How do you cope? Does it get better? I just had one of these episodes and it's like a truck just hit me, I'm exhausted and I honestly cant remembered how it started. Sucks to feel controlled by a little psycho monster in my head. Just wanna feel better.

[GaBabyBear]

You're not alone. Medication has helped my raging episodes. Although, I still occasionally have them. My last one a month ago landed me in the hospital. I usually don't remember what starts them and only parts of what happens. I do however remember the look of terror on my husband's face. It was enough to terrify me. It just didn't stop me. It is like I'm stuck in autopilot on rage position. Sorry, I'm not much help. For me it has gotten better, just not gone away.

Have you ever considered, Joy 333, that your rage may be occurring because of a
personal attack on your integrity? Usually, that makes people very, very angry, especially if one has tried to live well and be kind to others.

It's something to think about because you can feel the rage rising in you when that happens. The solution is to talk about it with your psychiatrist and learn the way
to manage the anger when it emerges without letting it get out of your control. We
all have to learn ultimately to let anger go--or to express it in controlled ways.

Talk to your psychiatrist; my guess is that he has some good solutions for you.

Good wishes,

Genetic

[faerie_moon_x]

Actually what you're describing sounds similar to what was happening to me when I was 19/20. I was having some type of episodes where I couldn't remember them Sometimes it was rage and sometimes I was just in a haze. I couldn't remember what happened after, but "friends" or family members would tell me about them.

My family didn't believe that I couldn't remember. I still get ridiculed for it now. (My family is so great... ) I don't know why but they just stopped happening. I never received any help, I wasn't diagnosed with anything at that time, and so I don't know why they stopped or what caused them.

I wish I could be more help, but just know you're not alone. It's good you've called a psychiatrist. Perhaps some talk therapy will help as well.

[RobertDark]

I was kind of surprised to learn about things I never remembered doing either but I always placed blame on the person telling me this thing I didn't remember. My mind was telling me that the other person was the crazy one and that I would never do these things people said I did.

But then these people (the people I have been in relationships with over years) were able to show me and remind me of some things I did or said that I never recalled. Not until recently did I accept that I, at times, get into such a state (it can be rage or like dark heart said, a haze) where I do and say things that I do not recall later.

So you are not alone but I don't have any kind of answer as to why I would get like that or why it stops. I'd say for me, I tend to do these things I don't remember at the height of my hypo-mania or the lowest of my depression. That's as much as I think I can analyze it.

[Joy_333]

Robertdark I feel the same way. I always blame other people, but their stories are always different than my recollections of the episode. And gababybear I ended up in the hospital too, of an overdose I never meant to happen. They kept asking if it was a suicide attempt I just remember not knowing the answer- why did I take the pills? Couldn't tell you. I'm just scared. One doctor suggested hospitalization a few years back, but I feel like that's not even an option with college and work and relationships. I think my episode last night just cost me a relationship too. I just want this to stop so bad.