[moremi]

Hmm not sure what to think about this. Just got through listening to my husband tell me what a fool I made of myself when I we were seperated and going through a divorce. How him and his father and attorney were laughing about me. What the hell? I was a total mess I admit but do I need it thrown in my face? No I dont believe I do. He just made me feel awful...

[faerie_moon_x]

I agree with you. There is no reason to tell you that. What prompted him to tell you that?

[~Christina]

I see no reason to have things thrown in your face... Have you found out WHY he felt the need to do this ? If you havent I would certainly wait until your a bit calmer ( for your own sake) and definatly get some answers from him.

Im sorry this has happened to you ((( hugs )))

[Resident Bipolar]

What a complete ****!

Forget it. He isn't worth it.
RB ♥

[moremi]

I havent asked him why he felt the need to spill his guts about all this. Idk I just dont understand why. He just went on and on and was laughing like its still funny to him. Idk why he would think this would amuse me, I find nothing funny about me being so messed up that these things happened. Im truly wondering if RB could be right. Is it worth it if he still after all this time finds it funny that Iwas sick and all of this happened. I havent said anything to him. Not sure what words to say. I feel like asking him wtf is wrong with him.....

[Victoria'smom]

Then start it with WTF is wrong with you and ask him why you being so sick is funny to him. I'd worry that he's less than helpful telling you when you start getting sick.

[sunblossom]

I know the feeling. I am sorry he is so clueless and that his words hurt you like they do.

My ex does the same with me. I used to think he got some kind of sick pleasure from making fun of my suffering. In reality he is just so uneasy with it that joking around, making light of things is his default response. He always says I take things too seriously, I have no sense of humour etc so from his perspective he thinks he is doing me a favour somehow. Lighten up! Laugh! Its not a big deal! Easy for him to say. He's not the one being laughed at and he's not the one who is sick. Ignorance is bliss I guess. He never took the time to learn about the illness so he is clueless.

Either way it doesn't matter what his motivation is. What matters is that he is not empowered by me to hurt me with his heartless, thoughtless, cruel and nasty words.

I did and still do speak to him about it. I can speak of these things now that we are not together. Less attachment; less emotion; less power given away. I told him how it makes me feel sometimes when he turns my suffering into his jokes or brushes me off as a 'drama queen' et. al. I told him I understood how hard it can be to be around me sometimes and I was sorry about that. I understood that while we were together the stress on him was huge but things are different now.

In the end he apologized for hurting my feelings and agreed to be more mindful of my feelings. Good in theory but harder in practice. He still defaults to making fun but I come back at him now with direct instructions, 'Don't make fun of me!' That stops him in his tracks because he agreed to respect me when I tell him it is not funny or silly or at all laughable to ME.

The biggest difference is in me. Since speaking my truth to him about how his words and action can make me feel was enough to cut the last emotionally charged link with my ex. I understand why he does what he does and it has nothing to do with me or with whatever antic I fueled his funny bone with. It is about him not me. I am fine.

I can tell him straight up now, 'Don't make fun of me!' and he will stop whatever he is say or doing just out of respect for me. He may still think I am over reacting and taking it all wrong but no matter, he stops before he goes further down the road. Now he says, 'sorry, didn't mean to hurt your feelings or make light of the situation.'

Now we communicate and he is my best friend and yea.... now sometimes we do laugh together about some of the funnier antics I have pulled over the years. Now we can talk about the not so funny times too without me feeling shamed or put down.

I think that means there has been some major healing in our relationship. He is still an a-s-s sometimes and can grind my gears but he can't trigger the hurt he once did because now we can talk about it between friends.

If all else fails I remind him, 'I AM BP! Don't mess with me! lol and we laugh.

I hope you are able to talk with your ex about how his words and action hurt you. I hope he can hear you and that you can forge a positive friendship going forward. People seldom know the impact they have on others. If we can open the lines of communication we can find out those things that make the difference between a friend and a foe.

[sunblossom]

Him: 'What are you making such a fuss about. It was just a joke!'
Me: 'While it wasn't funny to me and I am who matters since I am the one you are making jokes or snide remarks about so stiffle! Got that! Okay, now how has your day been going?'

[mjpurple]

sounds like a jerk, be glad you are rid of him

[moremi]

Originally Posted by mjpurple

sounds like a jerk, be glad you are rid of him

Well see thats the problem we are back together and have been for almost a year now. We are divorced but I moved back in with him.

[RobertDark]

If you are living with him again and he is still treating you like this than you absolutely have to talk about it and tell him exactly how you feel. If he loves you he will both apologize and change his behavior. If he continues to laugh at your struggles, sorry for being harsh but... leave him, no one who loves you would do that to you.

[moremi]

I agree I need to talk to him. Idk whats up today. He acted that way earlier today and then tonight he leaves me at home alone to go down the street to our friends and watch the ufc fights on demand tv... I wasnt even invited. I didnt want to go but I still feel sort of left out that I was not invited to our friends house. I guess things will never be the same. we used to hang out at this friends house all the time together when we were married. I dont like questioning us this way but can I deny it?

[roads]

Originally Posted by moremi

Hmm not sure what to think about this. Just got through listening to my husband tell me what a fool I made of myself when I we were seperated and going through a divorce. How him and his father and attorney were laughing about me. What the hell? I was a total mess I admit but do I need it thrown in my face? No I dont believe I do. He just made me feel awful...

"do I need it thrown in my face? No I dont believe I do."

What you need, moremi, (in my never-humble opinion) is for people to put your past in the past, where it belongs ... and leave it there.

You have learned from your mistakes, which is what we do them. You are doing well in learning and progressing. Keep your focus on the present, move into the future, and let what he did go. Only you know whether you need to let him know that if he is sincere in these feelings he's expressing, you may need to also let him go. He can't honestly support you and ridicule you simultaneously.

You dont have to be mean about it. Bless his heart. Bless him, then tell him to please just get over it.

Roadie

[moremi]

I guess I need to just let it go. Roadie is right, Im just not good at letting go of things like this until its been taken care of. Past is past. That is correct. Even this morning is the the past. Im calmer now I think I might be able to let it go. Sorry for the confusing writing.

[sunblossom]

I know what you mean. That obsessive need for resolution can be problematic and turn mountains out of mole hills. I hope you can start to relax.