[brokenandalone1234]

I first should start by saying I was seeing this guy for almost 3 years. At the end of 2011 he went to Texas to try and get his CDL. Well while he was gone that time I was a wreck. I called his mom saying I was going to the hospital because I was wanting to die. I had never been alone without him that long. Needless to say he failed out of that school. Well at the start of 2012 he went back to truck driving school in his home town. He passed this time. Right before he left to go to Texas for a job he broke up with me. He said he didn't want me to go threw that again. I feel my bipolar played a huge part in our breaking up. I am now afraid to put my heart on the line for anyone. The problem with this is I have this guy who I really like. I am afraid though that my bipolar will cause this relationship to end before it even starts. I need some advice. Has anyone ever been in this boat. The guy that I like now is the sweetest guy I have ever met. He opens doors for me and he tells me I always look good even when I am in pajamas and my hair is a mess. I just don't know. Please help me out.

[rgb11]

This is coming from a former Significant Other of a bipolar man.

Yes, date. You don't have to wear your diagnosis on your sleeve, but at some point within the first month or before things get serious be honest that you have this diagnosis.

My boyfriend let me figure it out on my own and it caused irreversible damage. I couldn't know his needs and I blamed myself for everything which eventually caused me a lot of pain and anger.

I can't say being honest would have caused us to stay together but it would have helped me understand so much more (and this has to do with being able to express what you need to, which is important). I could have more easily walked away from conflict and returned to it when we were both feeling better. I could have taken things less personally but he never afforded me that luxury.

I would still hold him accountable for bad behavior but I could have also avoided making him more and more irratible.

I asked so many questions when things didn't make sense. He just got more and more mad at me ....they would have been perfect opportunities for him to communicate to me what was really going on and I would have backed up....I knew something was 'up' and he always made me feel like I was crazy.

Try to be a good communicator, show your strengths (I loved that my boyfriend was affectionate and sensitive). It is just that his sensitivty could backfire on to me.

Do your best to be healthy, and honest. Don't let him blame your illness for all that goes wrong. But do include him in this so he can start to learn.

Good luck!

[cocoabeans]

Not to discount the previous poster's advice but, I disagree.

I don't know about telling, suppose it has to eventually come up but, a month? Don't ever get serious that fast. Take time to get to know a person.

Hopefully I never have to date again but, if it were to happen, I wouldn't be all, "so I have this label..." But mostly because I'm not on meds now and don't know if I actually believe in what psychiatry is feeding us. The label isn't really useful day to day. Am I crazy? Yup, would someone notice? Yup. Good enough.

Like I said, get to know the dude and his own ups and downs before worrying about your future and the bipolar label. I'd say give it at least 6 months to a year and after that, things can get serious.

Date. Enjoy your time. Be casual for a good amount of time. If it happens long term, it happens!

[brokenandalone1234]

Originally Posted by cocoabeans

Not to discount the previous poster's advice but, I disagree.

I don't know about telling, suppose it has to eventually come up but, a month? Don't ever get serious that fast. Take time to get to know a person.

Hopefully I never have to date again but, if it were to happen, I wouldn't be all, "so I have this label..." But mostly because I'm not on meds now and don't know if I actually believe in what psychiatry is feeding us. The label isn't really useful day to day. Am I crazy? Yup, would someone notice? Yup. Good enough.

Like I said, get to know the dude and his own ups and downs before worrying about your future and the bipolar label. I'd say give it at least 6 months to a year and after that, things can get serious.

Date. Enjoy your time. Be casual for a good amount of time. If it happens long term, it happens!

I have known this guy since high school. He was a grade above me in school. He was a senior when I was a junior. Its not like this is some guy I just met. I have liked him since high school. I am just afraid to say anything. I know things about him that bother most of the other girls he has been with but don't bother me. I think he would be able to accept me but a lot of guys have not. I just don't really want to take the risk.

[cocoabeans]

So, he knows you which means he knows you're moody. No need to tell him right now that it has an official name. Just enjoy each other. It isn't lying and really, who's to say you'll ever have another episode? Just be yourself and go with what is natural.

..I went on two dates last month

I sort of hinted to her that I had some personal complications prior to the first date... probably when she asked me why I put my college course on standby, I sent a message explaining that I had a borderline manic bipolar ADHD disturbance of some kind. (exactly what I wrote) sort of a playful directly honest approach just to see what she would do

I figured because we were both studying therapy and mental illness, that she would understand.....and she must have because she agreed to go for dinner.

...she had her own complications with depression and the dates were fine but I don't think she was ever prepared for my special combo of problems.

I was never ready for two dates even one...I can't handle myself and especially cannot expect someone else to handle me either.

I got all excited about the whole thing and after date number two I slid into a manic episode for 4 days and then collapsed in a heap and stayed inside for two weeks.

I didn't want to make her life worse so I just left it.

so I figure it's not whether the other person is ready for me it's if I am ready for the other person in my life

[BuggsBunny]

I have to disagree with cocoabeans, and agree with rgb. If you have known this guy since high school, and you want to get serious with him, be honest. You don't need to be all dramatic and pessimistic, just upfront. When the time seems right, and you'll feel it when it is, just bring up the subject of being on some meds for mood swings. Warn him that you may sometimes be a little out of whack, and it probably won't be his fault, so not to take it personally.

Give him some time to process the news. If he's worth it, he'll stick with you anyway. If he walks away, all you've lost is a lot of heartache.

Originally Posted by brokenandalone1234

I first should start by saying I was seeing this guy for almost 3 years. At the end of 2011 he went to Texas to try and get his CDL. Well while he was gone that time I was a wreck. I called his mom saying I was going to the hospital because I was wanting to die. I had never been alone without him that long. Needless to say he failed out of that school. Well at the start of 2012 he went back to truck driving school in his home town. He passed this time. Right before he left to go to Texas for a job he broke up with me. He said he didn't want me to go threw that again. I feel my bipolar played a huge part in our breaking up. I am now afraid to put my heart on the line for anyone. The problem with this is I have this guy who I really like. I am afraid though that my bipolar will cause this relationship to end before it even starts. I need some advice. Has anyone ever been in this boat. The guy that I like now is the sweetest guy I have ever met. He opens doors for me and he tells me I always look good even when I am in pajamas and my hair is a mess. I just don't know. Please help me out.

this might be more related or helpful or whatever.

your bipolar is a condition and for you to be ok with life...this condition needs to be recognised and attended to. and not later on but straight up.

...say I met a blind person that I fell in love with ...then it's perfectly clear straight up that the relationship will require some extra attention because she has visual impairment! I will have to make allowances for her lack of sight and for the relationship to be successful.

...if she tries to get by for a while hiding the fact she is blind for fear I won't love her when I find out then she is going through unnecessary hardship when we can be learning together how best a sighted person lives with a non sighted person.

it seems right to get someone to love us first with all our best bits and then share our worst bits later but I reckon thats rubbish.

physical and/or mental disability puts us on the back foot when other 'regular' people are involved with us sometimes...this is not the right way for things to be.

so....in a happy world:

..."I suffer from bipolar dis-order and I'm inclined to do this and that and so on and I need support with this right from the start otherwise chances are it won't work out"

(sorry bugs musta' been writing at the same time...I agree with you)

[rgb11]

1. The people who matter will NOT be scared if this is addressed early. I'm not talking 1st, 2nd or 3rd date early. I'm talking early like first month, 4th date or beyond or depending how close you are getting. 6 months is WAY too long. My boyfriend and I were already talking marriage, I'd already met his family, he'd already asked me to move in. Frankly, if you are able to share your body (having sex) you should be able to put this on the table then or shortly thereafter. This is important. If you can't trust someone with this info they might not be the right person.

I shared important past details with my BP boyfriend about 3 months in, and when I needed to (he did something that crossed a boundary with me...to help explain why this was so important I told him about a private past event to help him understand my feelings). Sometimes life will present the right cues when to open up. You can't go by an arbitrary date but you should know in your gut when it is time to be honest and you should think before hand about how to present it. I saw some good ideas above. Again, the right person will not be scared off, and will apprecaite knowing how he or she can help rather than make situations worse for you....and honestly they are probably starting to pick up on things anyway.

The right person WILL be scared off if you have allowed them to think things were there fault that were not ...such as distancing yourself if you were in a certain mood...over reacting to something that made you sensitive, or basically anything that could be interpreted the wrong way ...for instance my ex went to bed at 9pm. He never told me why, I had to figure it out. It's ok except I never understood why he coudln't stay up later with me sometimes and he snapped at me when I asked him why he took a sleeping pill when I was at his house. I thought it was rude. I mean why would he want me there and want to go to sleep, I'd only arrived a little while ago. He made me feel HORRIBLE! If he'd explained the situation to me it would have saved us both a lot of pain, and a big fight. I thought he was just a "morning person" but it made no sense to me then why he needed assistance to fall asleep early! Why argue with me about it?

2. You have every right to date just as anyone else! Most people have emotional issues (I really think this...we are all on a life journey unless you happened to be born perfect and your parents were saints). I think one of the blessings of bipolar is you have been diagnosed, likely you have been introduced to therapy. You know yourself already better than a lot of people do. You are in a unique position to know better what you need from a person and what you can give...and maybe even help them on the road to discovery. You need to be firm that your illness can't always be a reason for things to be 'your fault' and you can encourage others to think about mental health in ways they might not have before. I actually think some bipolar people on medication could be more stable than people who are unmedicated. You can have interesting discussions about what it all means and they could be a good support for you in learning healthy coping skills. They will have things you will have to put up with too. Mental health is a continuum.....we are all various levels of 'healthy' througout our lives and we all need to tend to it. Since you have experience with therapists and psychology you might be able to introduce this to others, if they are open.

In all my research I have seen some common threads. Our BP SO's have tended to be the most loving people we have ever fallen for. It was just the mismanagement and (for me) the over-sensitivity to perceived criticism (anger), running away from conflict (abandoment....though we eventually could have dealt with this I think) and lies. Lies being a huge one. I've seen this repeated on many message boards.

I'd really encourage you to build a strong foundation of trust, and that would include being honest about this at the approriate time ...6 months was way too long for me. It also depends on age. I am 35 my bf 45. If you are young then 6 months might make sense if you are casually dating. But if you are of marriageble age and taking things on a quicker path -- do it when you know things are getting serious. It is so important to build the foundation of trust. I know it makes you vulnerable but the right people will not run because of the condition.

They might run if you eventually become abusive, but if you communicate this early they will be much more likely to be understanding of blow ups, conflict and know better when to walk away.

Otherwise, it's very confusing.

[brokenandalone1234]

Originally Posted by rgb11

1. The people who matter will NOT be scared if this is addressed early. I'm not talking 1st, 2nd or 3rd date early. I'm talking early like first month, 4th date or beyond or depending how close you are getting. 6 months is WAY too long. My boyfriend and I were already talking marriage, I'd already met his family, he'd already asked me to move in. Frankly, if you are able to share your body (having sex) you should be able to put this on the table then or shortly thereafter. This is important. If you can't trust someone with this info they might not be the right person.

I shared important past details with my BP boyfriend about 3 months in, and when I needed to (he did something that crossed a boundary with me...to help explain why this was so important I told him about a private past event to help him understand my feelings). Sometimes life will present the right cues when to open up. You can't go by an arbitrary date but you should know in your gut when it is time to be honest and you should think before hand about how to present it. I saw some good ideas above. Again, the right person will not be scared off, and will apprecaite knowing how he or she can help rather than make situations worse for you....and honestly they are probably starting to pick up on things anyway.

The right person WILL be scared off if you have allowed them to think things were there fault that were not ...such as distancing yourself if you were in a certain mood...over reacting to something that made you sensitive, or basically anything that could be interpreted the wrong way ...for instance my ex went to bed at 9pm. He never told me why, I had to figure it out. It's ok except I never understood why he coudln't stay up later with me sometimes and he snapped at me when I asked him why he took a sleeping pill when I was at his house. I thought it was rude. I mean why would he want me there and want to go to sleep, I'd only arrived a little while ago. He made me feel HORRIBLE! If he'd explained the situation to me it would have saved us both a lot of pain, and a big fight. I thought he was just a "morning person" but it made no sense to me then why he needed assistance to fall asleep early! Why argue with me about it?

2. You have every right to date just as anyone else! Most people have emotional issues (I really think this...we are all on a life journey unless you happened to be born perfect and your parents were saints). I think one of the blessings of bipolar is you have been diagnosed, likely you have been introduced to therapy. You know yourself already better than a lot of people do. You are in a unique position to know better what you need from a person and what you can give...and maybe even help them on the road to discovery. You need to be firm that your illness can't always be a reason for things to be 'your fault' and you can encourage others to think about mental health in ways they might not have before. I actually think some bipolar people on medication could be more stable than people who are unmedicated. You can have interesting discussions about what it all means and they could be a good support for you in learning healthy coping skills. They will have things you will have to put up with too. Mental health is a continuum.....we are all various levels of 'healthy' througout our lives and we all need to tend to it. Since you have experience with therapists and psychology you might be able to introduce this to others, if they are open.

In all my research I have seen some common threads. Our BP SO's have tended to be the most loving people we have ever fallen for. It was just the mismanagement and (for me) the over-sensitivity to perceived criticism (anger), running away from conflict (abandoment....though we eventually could have dealt with this I think) and lies. Lies being a huge one. I've seen this repeated on many message boards.

I'd really encourage you to build a strong foundation of trust, and that would include being honest about this at the approriate time ...6 months was way too long for me. It also depends on age. I am 35 my bf 45. If you are young then 6 months might make sense if you are casually dating. But if you are of marriageble age and taking things on a quicker path -- do it when you know things are getting serious. It is so important to build the foundation of trust. I know it makes you vulnerable but the right people will not run because of the condition.

They might run if you eventually become abusive, but if you communicate this early they will be much more likely to be understanding of blow ups, conflict and know better when to walk away.

Otherwise, it's very confusing.

Well I am of marriageble age I am 22 years old. I want to take things to the next level and needed this advice. Thanks everyone for the wonderful advice some was helpful others not so much.